SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Caregiver: you seem like such a strong woman, so you didn't play nicey nice, no matter how much it hurt, you stayed strong. I've always wished I could be as strong as you right from the first post I read from you. Honestly, I always find myself thinking "what would caregiver think/say in this situation" and then still do the opposite :(.

Gabybaby, that's what I'm afraid of, going through this all over again years from now and wishing I would have left now. The answer is no, to

All of those questions. :(

Btraydwife, it is make believe, that is exactly what I'm doing, it's not real happiness, I do know that. :( But I guess I feel like make believe happiness hurts less than facing a lonely single life with four small kids... And being heartbroken about the life we could have had.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Makes me think, and helps me realize how incredibly stupid I am being. That's the thing, I know it's stupid, I know I'm picking a scab... But I don't stop :( I can't wait till the day I can finally say I went NC for real and for good and it's over.

I am happy to be an inspiration if it is a source of strength for you but I absolutely do not want to be an avenue you use to beat yourself up.

I had an advantage. Stretch had installed a keylogger at the first dday as a way to prove his fidelity. Then there was a second laptop, but shortly after we S, he took the laptop with the keylogger on it (in order to keep the OW from using it... Long convoluted story.)

Anyway, when Stretch would call or send sweet emails trying to keep me on the hook, he was at the exact EXACT SAME time doing the most despicable things on CL. He was sweetly asking my opinion about what digital camera to buy at Walmart (for a "work" camera) and using his email to tell strangers that his naked pics would be coming as soon as he bought a replacement camera.

I think it is not so much being strong as never having had to WONDER if he was a person worth trusting.

I never think of myself as strong in the face of dday. I was destroyed. I was terrified. I was unemployed. I felt stupid and ashamed. I had no self esteem. I cried and vomited. I begged. I sent him links to marriage articles and Bible verses. I was patient and tried to understand his "side."

But I can remember him sitting in my house (he was visiting the children) and using his smug condescending look and voice. He looked at me like I was so stupid and he had no respect or concern or fear.

And eventually I got mad. How dare he? How dare he? I used the rage. I was fueled by a need to get even or make him pay for what he did. That didn't work out so good, but it got me started. It shut him out. and when he wasn't "fooling me" anymore, he got really really ugly. Thankfully he was several states away.

I see the strength in you, Jesss. You are here asking to be held accountable. You are weighing your truth. It isn't that it doesn't hurt. It is that you get to say how much power he has to hurt.

(((hugs)))

No no, I don't use you as an avenue to beat myself up. :)

My WH seems so similar to Stretch. And I know how things turned out for you. I don't want to give myself false hope.

Thanks for sharing more of your story. Learning what you felt like at Dday and how you feel now, and deal with Stretch now, gives me hope that one day I will feel better without him.