SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told everyone--- dday happened during the kids last week of school --on a Tuesday, and by that Friday ( school got out on Thursday) I was at Target and at the registers I ran into my older daughter's 2nd grade teacher ( I was the room mom). She asked me how my summer was going so far and I blurted out in the middle of Target that my husband had had a 3 year affair. completely broke down in line at Target. I can laugh about it now. Anyway, that set the stage of me telling anyone and everyone.

Oddly, during our first MC after dday the therapist ended the session by saying if we ran into her at the grocery store etc we didn't have to acknowledge her or explain how we knew her---this puzzled me because I immediately told her I wanted everyone to know and was going to tell everyone.

I'm done keeping other people's damaging secrets.

Done.

Interestingly I read an online article yesterday arguing that the practice of secrecy (as a cultural phenomenon) around affairs can make things worse, because it makes us feel very alone, when in fact this is fairly common.

I told of friend of WH's who successfully reconciled after an affair--I wanted to know HOW they did that.

I have told two friends that we are having marriage difficulties, and that splitting up is a possibility, but I haven't spelled out that infidelity was involved. I'm sure they suspect that's what's going on, though.

My therapist insisted that I had to tell someone close to me--either my best friend or my sister. My sister's husband had an affair two years ago and left her for the OW. I somehow felt she was a safer person to tell--because she knows just what it's like. And so I did.

WH had to tell two colleagues at work because he had to restructure things so that he wouldn't be supervising the OW anymore. Both these colleagues are people we socialize with and they are very, very sympathetic to me.

And WH had to tell our family doctor--stupid idiot has had a vasectomy since we're done having children, so didn't bother using a condom, and was having sex with me throughout the affair. So he had to get tested for STDs. And the doctor had to mail me a copy of the results because at that stage I wasn't willing to trust WH's verbal report that he had the all-clear.

I cannot tell my parents. My sister and her children have had a really rough time since her WH left her for the OW. My parents have been devastated by this. I cannot put them through the worry that it could happen to me too.

ReconcilingWife

---do you have a link to that article? I'd love it because I'd like to get more insight into why I feel I have to tell everyone and also why that might not be such a bad thing.

Thanks!

ReconcilingWife

My hysband's sex was also unprotected. He "believed her" when she said she was clean and on birth control yet she when she confessed she slept with other men he continued on.

In 4 years, can you imagine the number of guys she could have been with??

I've been tested; WH's results to be mailed to us soon.

Pray they are clean!!

I have told only my gynecologist (STD test) and one of my yoga instructors.

The yoga instructor seems like an odd choice, but it just happened. I was the only one to show up for class that morning, she was crying, she told me about her WH...and I told her about mine. We both cried and talked and talked and talked and hugged. It felt good to get it out.

No one else knows. Not my daughters (FWH's stepdaughters), not my sister, not my best friend. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want FWH to be the object of wrath while we were trying to R...and I did not want to be judged for staying. But if he were to stray again (which I think at this point is unlikely), I would not only out him to everyone, I would leave him.

MissedRedFlags (which could have been my username, incidentally--I feel so STUPID about the glaring red flags), here's the article: http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/secrets.html

Hurtbuthopeful35, commiserations on that. Mine seemed to think that somehow because she was not overtly trashy she couldn't have STDs. What????? He is not a stupid man, but for two months seems to have had an IQ of about 10. And it completely revolts me that he was going back and forth between us without anything on.

Two things: first, you have the RIGHT to tell anyone and everyone. This is HIS dirty laundry--not yours. Keeping his secret is not your worry, your shame, your job, your problem.

Second, though, is that while you can tell everyone, you can't "untell" anyone. Once it's out there, you have no control over it. So if you want to keep the info away from your children or his employer or your coworkers or your church congregation, then choose wisely.

Tell your doctor, of course. And your therapist, naturally. And perhaps your religious leader. You need their help and they will not share. Easy decision. Then choose whoever will be your biggest supporter: your best friend? Your sister? Your mom? A friend who's "been there?"

I chose my Dr, my IC, and my bff. I also have my SI friends. And everyone in my S-Anon group (again, a safe audience).

As for your 10-year-old, keep it simple. "Mommy's feelings were hurt." "Someone special broke a promise and it makes me sad." If there comes a time, because of S or D, she could know Daddy was the one who broke your heart or who kissed another girl, but . . . Keep it as simple as possible. Our home life, with my gut acting out along with him, was far more unstable before D-Day than after. As horrible as the knowledge was, I could digest it and deal with it once it was known. So while we had a semi-broken home for a few months with a distant dad and a distraught mom, it's been loving again ever since.

Hugs!

I told a few close friends, they were all great support. I told my gyn, also a friend and great support.

I didn't tell my young adult dds because, honestly, I was in so much pain that dealing with their pain would have done me in. There was a point after dd that I would have reallt benefitted from being able to talk with them, but I couldn't see them hurt like that.

That being said, my h is aware that they will be the first ones told should anything ever happen again. Their adoration is very important to him (KISA) I truly hope it never comes to that.

On the topic of children: my dad had an affair when I was about 10. It took just two things for me to figure it out: I woke up one night to hear them fighting, and I heard her say "I thought we were FRIENDS." And I registered was that my mom was fine all day, and then when he got home from work, she turned very icy. I asked her why she was being so mean to Daddy, and that stopped. (My poor mom!) But within a year or two, I somehow figured out what it had all been about.

Two years ago, when my sister's husband cheated on her, my parents told her that my dad had had an affair and they had reconciled. She said she knew--they didn't ask how, but it was just going back to my intuition as a child.

All this to say: precocious children might be more aware of the specifics than you realize, even if you're hiding it pretty well. Personally I still wouldn't say anything specific to a child in that age range, though: I think it would have been harder for me to have it spelled out, and it was better just to have the hunch/dawning realization.

(My own children were 4 and 7 at Dday. Their father's distance/impatience in the months of the affair certainly had an impact on them. And then they got to trade that for a distance/sad/distracted mother! Sometimes they have said things like "Mommy, you look sad," and sometimes I say, "Oh, adults get sad sometimes too" and sometimes I lie and say, "Oh, I'm just stressed about X" and give them some mundane domestic thing like how I'll get everything on my to-do list done in time.)

WH and I told my brother - he had been our "marriage counselor" at one time.

I told my doctor, GYN, therapist, my parents - who are elderly in assisted living - and three co-workers who Saw that I was a wreck. I ended up telling my boss because my D-Day came via an anonymous, potentially threatening email that came to my work address. None of those people except my brother have any real relationship with WH.

My oldest adult stepdaughter and I are probably going to get close to the issue. WH went to stay over at her place after our last blowup and cried. I saw adult SD 10 days or so ago and she suggested that she knew something.

I think WH has wanted a D to pursue OW and he hasn't gone near it because he wants to manage the PR. He really can't handle that we are in a fault divorce state. He had a LTA and gave the OW marital assets. He can't come to grips with how he will look in a courtroom.

Right after DD WH said he wanted a divorce. I asked if there was any way we could R and he said no, so we had planned to leave our apartment and tell our families at the same time because of his decision to D. He told his parents about our plans to D, but nothing about the A. I told my parents and sister and my sister's husband because I thought D was where we were headed and needed their support. I also told the truth to WH's parents and his siblings and his siblings' spouses since WH had decided to not share the whole truth with them.

I also told two of my best friends and those who needed to know at work. I was falling apart and am currently on a 8 week leave of absence from work, so they had to know.

NOW, WH says he wants to talk and isn't sure what he wants. He wants us to go to MC and see if we can "figure out our differences." He's also been getting IC, but not on a regular schedule.

I'm unsure where we're headed at this point and I now regret having told so many people in our families (especially my parents) because if we R, I'm not sure my family will ever forgive him at this point...

t/j to stilllostsonumb:

NOW, WH says he wants to talk and isn't sure what he wants. He wants us to go to MC and see if we can "figure out our differences." He's also been getting IC, but not on a regular schedule.

Well, let you H know what you are not sure what you want either at this point. IC - on a regular basis - should perhaps come before MC to talk about your "differences" - after all, he is the one who broke his vows, no you. Tell him to get it together and then he can fight to get you back and work on the marriage.

As for your parents...if they are like mine, they have experienced much and will likely follow your lead in all of this.

Exposure is a tool to deal with the infidelity. Who you should tell, in my opinion, is completely dependent on the individual circumstances. There is no one size fits all.

For example, in my case, my wife agreed to end the affair immediately. I exposed to the other man's wife. I also got the other man fired for using work emails to send raunchy messages to my wife, then I called him and let him know who he could thank for teaching him a lesson not to mess with another man's wife.

I didn't expose to anyone else because (1) I didn't feel like I needed the emotional support and (2) I wanted to hold exposure to family and possibly friends in reserve in case my wife resumed the affair and (3) I didn't want them to hate my wife and always treat her poorly and then I'd have to later go to bat for her with them if our marriage did work out to get them to back down. Fortunately, everything worked out and I never had to expose to anyone else.

I look at exposure as a tool to either end the affair or get emotional support. When you expose to end the affair, if it is to family, you want it to be to family members who will come down on the side of the marriage and who can have a direct influence on the cheating spouse. You would want to talk to them in person or by phone (not texting or email) and tell them that your spouse is cheating, with whom, and that your spouse (a) refuses to cease contact and/or (b) your spouse says they ended contact but refuses to let you verify that it ended by letting you see their email/smartphone/etc. You then want to ask them to give your spouse a call to influence your spouse to see the error of their ways, influence your spouse to end the affair, allow you to verify no contact, etc. This type of exposure usually works best with the cheater's close family and really close friends who you know are friends of the marriage.

Another reason to expose is for emotional support. This usually works best with your close family and close friends.

Another reason to expose is revenge. Gotta be careful you don't come off looking crazy if you do it for revenge.

I believe it is never appropriate to involve the children unless your spouse has already done so, and then only to set the record straight, as a calm adult who has their best interest at heart.

If you have not exposed to anyone, and someone asks, why are you separated, not living together, not wearing your rings, etc., I never recommend lying for the cheater. There is no reason the betrayed should ever have to lie to cover up for the cheater.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:36 PM, August 9th (Saturday)]

I didn't mention these things in my first post.

I had to tell most of the people I dealt with day to day. I was so extremely destroyed and there was no way to hide it. They knew something was up.

The same with our boys who were 6 and 8 on dday. We explained that daddy broke some grown up promises to mom that were very serious. I kicked him out of the house several times. Each time they knew that it wasn't my decision, it was daddy's. If he decided to continue lying to mom then he choose to not live here. No way was I getting the bad guy rap for his shit.

I did see one female lawyer who seemed shocked that my kids knew. She wanted to know how that was possible. Lady, it was because I fell the fuck apart and there was no hiding that from or for anyone. They live in my home. It's not possible for them not to know. yeah- didn't go back to her

I told three people, my closest friend since childhood and two friends I've known twenty years along with our family doctor and my gyno. Out of all of them, one of those twenty year friends and I don't speak anymore...she didn't keep the confidence and actually tried to use my situation to better hers at work....live and learn.

I did want to R and felt the more people that knew the harder it would be for us, as a couple, to work things out. Dealing with my own emotions was hard enough and I didn't want to have to deal with family and friends' feelings and opinions. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't tell other people. It really is nobody's business but ours and the few people I did tell I told because I needed the support. Even then one of those I trusted wasn't trustworthy, but hey, neither was my H.

I told the people I had to: OBS, Doctor, IC, and my business partner (to explain what was happening to me).

Later I told my dad and a close friend.

My WW had told no one during the A, but has told many since. I see that as a positive.

Our two oldest kids (27 & 25) we told, but not the two young ones. We will tell them someday.

I told no one, neither did my husband. I didn't do it to protect myself not him. I didn't want anyone to judge me.

^^^^

Same here. I’m embarrassed and was humiliated. However, I did go to IC for a few sessions because I needed to get it off my chest.

Anyone who I thought could help the situation. It mainly fell into 3 categories.

- Outing the A. People at her work, OM, OM spouse, her parents, her friends who would cut her out if she was an being an ass (which was most of them). Our mutual close friends. It was not drama. I was brass tacks time.

- My fiends who I wanted to talk to and who I needed support from.

Professionals - MC, IC, and support people.

Further along we decided not to tell people unless we both agreed. At the start, I just made decisions for myself.

take care...

Don't know if I did the right thing but I told everyone in both our families. The reason I did this was that after I found out, she decided to try and make the rounds with her family and basically tell them that she was "seeing someone" and our marriage was in trouble. She tried to make it seem as if we simply drifted apart and jsut met someone new. I decided right then and there to let everyone know the truth. That she was doing things behind my back while acting as if nothing was wrong and I made a point to let everyone know who the lowlife was and exactly what she was doing with him. She was furious. She didn't want anyone to know. She was embarrassed because this guy was a total loser who her family knew. Well, the bottom line is I think that's what finally woke her up. The excitement and newness were no longer there. It was all in the open and it wasn't fun anymore. So I do not regret telling everyone. She needed the wake up call because I really believe as long as it was hidden, she didn't realize what she was really doing and how horrible she was acting.

My H and his AP had attended events together and presented themselves as a "couple". It had posted pictures on line and had introduced itself to several of my in-laws through social networks. The two of them proudly displayed their lurve to people in their inner circle.

During the A, I had been working on self improvement. Having developed a stronger self image, there was no need for me to internalize their debauchery.

I carry no shame or any guilt over his behavior. Having released myself of carrying that burden I was free to tell EVERYONE that we knew.

For the people that matter to me, I began the conversation by saying: "I want you to hear this from me." From other friends and family if the opportunity came about I put his A out there.

Unfortunately, our society often places the cause for an A onto the betrayed: overweight, mean, inattentive, not sexually satisfying, etc. This could lead the BS/BSO into taking blame for the A as opposed to placing the blame on the way ward's choice. This may be why the betrayed feels ashamed and embarrassed.

eta. These negative feelings may lead the BS/BSO to keep the secret.

Needless to say, this is a personal journey. Each one has to do what is best for themselves.

[This message edited by TheBestMe at 11:40 AM, August 11th (Monday)]