SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Also to add what someone else had mentioned. I do believe she should be seeking me out on a regular basis. I told her that's the one thing that I want and would prove that she truly wanted to be with me. Our time is limited every week so I understand that at least half that time should also be focused on what she needs too but it just sucks feeling like she's getting everything thing she wants and I need to fight to get what I want. From time to time it feels like she's only here cause she knows what it feels like to be a single mother and doesn't actually want to be with me. My requests aren't out of this world, hard to reach things. Just want to be desired by the one I chose to spend my life with.

I get it FUBAR (nice handle too, describes sitch perfectly).

My STBX has initiated a handful of times in the past 9 years, maybe 20 times total. Unfortunately, most were either early in the dating phase, after her first affair (HB), or after I filled out the divorce papers 6 weeks ago. When dating it was like being on a carnival ride, no rules anything went.

Since we got married though I initiate and she shoots me down. Even worse, when it does happen, its the same time, same bad place. Same position. "She's not into that" when asked for something SHE INITIATED while dating or during HB after her cheating in 2010.

it just sucks feeling like she's getting everything thing she wants and I need to fight to get what I want.

EXACTLY

I so get it! The WW told me just before her A that having sex more than once a week was like having the same thing for dinner every night. Thanks, Babe! Way to make your hubby feel desired.

Well I'm glad and sad to say that I'm not alone in this. Thought maybe I was just blowing things out of proportion. I remember asking her once why when we were dating we did all these different things, she was more confident, and it happened on a regular basis? Her response, "I wanted to get you and that I have you I don't need to do all those things." Seriously!?? WTF.

I had this same problem after WWs LTA (EA+PA). What follows is what I have been able to piece together about the f*d up-ness that went on in her mind. Ive never written this POV down before. Maybe some WW out there will chime in and let me know if what I have come to believe has any ring of truth to it. Again this is just my opinion. YMMV.

Over the course of time I came to believe that the LTA messed with WWs mind pretty badly. OM had convinced her that he loved her. She was convinced she loved him. They were meant to be together.

Toward the end of her LTA WW knew I was closing in on finding proof. Her response was to try and move the LTA back to EA status. She thought taking by taking the PA out of it that she could keep the *soulmate* aspect of their relationship and still keep me in line.

But OM wouldnt go for that. No PA and he would leave.

And WW came to realize that the sex was ALL OM wanted. He had manipulated her. made her feel loved. She felt *used like a piece of meat* (thats a quote from WW).

So with the LTA over she put me in the same category as OM because I wanted sex from her. She believed that I was using her and that all I wanted from her was sex. She believed that the only worth she had to me was as a sex toy.

That pretty much dried up her libido. Maybe something similar is going on with your WW?

FUBAR appreciate the thread and the thoughtful responses. This has been very much my experience as well. Years of sexual rejection from my WW and sexual frustratation on my part. We weren't connecting in our M and we were both lonely. But she had an A. Now working on R and my WW is still unable to be sexual with me, cannot flirt, cannot initiate. Says everything makes her feel bad, reminds her of A. And I struggle as well due the hit to my self-esteem from her A. We are 7 months out so I will try to be patient. But there will be no R without a healthy sex life in this marriage. And so far we aren't even close. Still trying, still frustrated.

Mac4, does,she see that she's punishing you because she had an A? Still selfish behavior? I remember your story. Has she figured out why she's doing this to you yet?

Schaenfreude, I apprecaite your question, and Fubar I appreciate you starting this thread.

I just can't seem to get a handle on how to improve this with my WW. And I've asked her directly and she can't give me an answer. She still has a lot of gulit and shame over her A which is making I assume is what is blocking our sexual reovery. She has been remorseful, and she has worked hard at all of the little things, sends me notes, is very open about where she is, what she's doing. Full access to phone, email, etc. Yet, I just dont' feel like we've made any progress reconnecting physically. We switched MC's so I hope that will help. But the reality is that I don't want a marriage without physical intimacy. Sex is important to me and I would like it to be a healthy part of our marriage. We are only 6 months out, so I tell myself to be patient, maybe we just need more time. Or maybe I need to be more demanding, not sure.