Just so you know, you are not off-calendar. Almost 2 years out, it is not abnormal to feel this way. As much as I understand the urge to rush and get rid of those toughts, the more you try to speed things up, the less it tends to work. It's like this exercise where you are trying not to think about the color red.
The advantage of NC is that it stops the abuse. But in reality, full greiving is the key. You seem to be doing the right things to rebuild and grow.
I've had similar issues from two life events. One was infidelity, another was unrelated but just as traumatic. Both had in common that someone had been wanting to hurt me on purpose and both were in a situation when the people who did had to convince themselves I "deserved" to be hurt by painting me in black. In short, injustice was the common thread.
It's like my mind wouldn't stop try to mend the injustice, one way or another. Either replying to fictious conversations/arguments, or wishing they'd suffer. I find that the last is linked to still caring about what the other person thinks and feels. We want them to feel as much pain as we do, so that they realize the damage they did. But of course, life don't work this way.
A french song by Aznavour says that cries of hatred are that last love words there are (les cris de haine (...) sont les derniers mots d'amour). There is a harsh truth in this. This is the last bit of attachment left. It takes a long time to die. But it does. And that's awesome. Not only because you reach meh, but because you can reclaim the good memories and leave the rest alone. It is truly worth the wait!
One avenue I'd advise is to let the toughts come, identify them and more importantly how they make you feel (emotions and body), stay with it all for a breif while without fighting it or yourself, breathing through it. Then give yourself the permission to think about something else. Medicating or supressing them alltogether will lead to no good.
I know this is no recipe, but I hope you can relate and that it can help.
[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:47 PM, November 9th (Sunday)]
