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Ok so all contact with OW has been cut. Though she agreed I can feel the tension as she asked about the costs for her next OB/GYN visit and vitamins (we agreed to share).

She lives in the US, but I don't.

Your first priority is telling your GF. You've picked Friday to do that, so do it.

Your second priority (in the sense that it falls behind your GF) is legal representation. You need to be contacting lawyers now. You need all further contact with OW handled via a lawyer, and you really need this because OW and you live in different countries.

As of right now, here's what you know.

1 - You cheated on your GF once with OW.

2 - OW tells you that she's 11 weeks along and that the child is yours.

3 - You and OW live in different countries.

4 - You are already agreeing to help out with OW's medical expenses.

You have no proof of paternity beyond the fact that you had sex with this woman once and her word that it's yours. As the saying goes, if they're willing to cheat with you, they're willing to cheat on you. For God's sake, man - this person lives in a different country. How do you know who she's with whenever you're not around?

It would be no trouble to a person like that to decide that you're a better mark than the person who may actually have fathered the child. You have no guarantee that she hasn't already tried to pin this on somebody else and been told 'I'll be happy to do a paternity test when the child is born - leave me alone in the meantime'.

You may well be the father, but right now there are a few questions that you'd better ask yourself lest you sign up for something that you shouldn't. If the child is yours, you'll have to step up and do the right thing. But if it's not....

And, in closing, I don't believe I've seen this question upthread or your response if it was asked, but what concrete proof do you have that she's actually pregnant?

Edited for spelling crapness.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 12:24 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

Ditto Forged.

I'm not so sure she IS pregnant and, if she is, whether the child is yours.

I'm all for telling your BGF sooner rather than later. Is there any way you can speak with a lawyer before Friday so that you know more of what you may be facing and can have that information for your BGF is she asks?

I can't repeat how helpful you have all been.

I have been speaking directly to her doctor who has confirmed the pregnancy, that plus a few pics are the only 'evidence' I have.

Forged1 is right I have zero proof of paternity and I will definitely agree to take a paternity test.

As to speaking with a lawyer before Friday, I don't even know where to start. This is all so surreal...and honestly I am still in shock. I keep thinking this is a dream and I will soon wake up.

I noticed from your profile that this is not your first time to cheat. Does your BGF know this? You have been down this road before and chose to take it again? How many times? You are not some floatsom just being tossed around by your circumstances. You made the decision to cheat and betray her trust yet again after a R?

When you tell her, own up to your choice to cheat. Nothing makes a BS madder than a weeny explanation about how things "just happened" and seeing an old friend fanned some flame of times gone by. If you present yourself as some underdog that is just trying to keep everybody happy, she will eventually lose respect for you.

You made some foolish decisions. Start making good, informed decisions because the rest of your life depends on it.

I have been speaking directly to her doctor who has confirmed the pregnancy, that plus a few pics are the only 'evidence' I have.

I know I'm forever the skeptic, but are you SURE you're speaking to her Dr.?? Usually, a Dr. can't and won't talk to anyone, except the patient, and there are laws about that. Are you sure she doesn't have a cohort helping her pull this off??

I have been speaking directly to her doctor who has confirmed the pregnancy, that plus a few pics are the only 'evidence' I have.

Most doctor's offices in the US won't talk to you if you're not the patient unless they have a signed, HIPAA-compliant release from the actual patient authorizing them to speak to a third party. There are massive liability issues for the doctor's practice and livelihood if they don't.

Does the doctor pass the 'smell test'? When you contacted the doctor was it an actual medical practice or were you given the doctor's direct line? How'd you get the pics - email? Was the email address something that tracked back to a bona fide doctor's office?

ETA - ThoughtIKnewYa and I appear to be on the same page.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 12:46 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

Thanks Loveyoumore. Everything you say is true. My BGF knows only about one past occurrence and she didn't end it....but said she would if it ever happened again...

Trust me I am skeptical of the whole thing as well.

Yes I checked out everything re the Doc. It is an actual office/practice (legit etc), I spoke to an office attendant at first, and then the actual doctor (was quite surprised). She said she couldn't give any information about her patient other than the fact that she IS pregnant (even told me 'congratulations.....)

Beyond communicating,I haven't given OW a cent yet......

Yes I checked out everything re the Doc. It is an actual office/practice (legit etc), I spoke to an office attendant at first, and then the actual doctor (was quite surprised). She said she couldn't give any information about her patient other than the fact that she IS pregnant (even told me 'congratulations.....)

Lawyer. Now.

Thanks Forged1.

So I have contacted a lawyer gave a quick rundown.

I haven't provided my full details or the details of OW as yet. Just my email and telephone number...they will be contacting me.

After the DDay (This Friday) I will take the next step.....either alone or with the BGF by my side (which I highly doubt). All contact with OW will be through the lawyer.

Sigh...life goes on I guess

In the US, a medical practitioner cannot legally give out any information on a patient unless that patient has signed a medical information waiver.

This stinks to high heaven in my opinion. Lawyer up now with a good family law practitioner who has contacts in the OW's country of residence. Do not pay anything else unless your attorney says it is okay. Have all contact with the OW go through the attorney.

I really have doubts about everything as you have explained it.

Cat

Though she agreed I can feel the tension as she asked about the costs for her next OB/GYN visit and vitamins

First off, a pregnant woman who cannot afford her won vitamins and is uninsured will likely be immediately covered by Medicaid in her state. I was recently laid off when I found out I was expecting, and could not afford COBRA insurance despite my unemployment, and I was immediately given paperwork to fill out for Medicaid, and approval was almost instantaneous (within a few days, and the previous visit was covered retroactively).

Secondly, you don't even know she's pregnant. I cannot tell you how many people I have met in my time on SI that have had an OC turn out to be a lie by the OW. It even happened to my best friend.

I have been speaking directly to her doctor who has confirmed the pregnancy, that plus a few pics are the only 'evidence' I have.

As mentioned here, she would have had to fill out paperwork, and even then it's iffy that they would have given you ANY information. My own family couldn't even call to check the progress of my labor. I honestly suspect you are being duped.

When you tell your girlfriend, you should encourage her to begin an account here, so that she can receive support form other people in this situation.

I too am surprised that her Dr. would speak to you about her on the phone. You said he wouldn't say much, ONLY that she is pregnant. That is quite some "only"...it's huge!

Tread carefully here. Your lawyer should probably speak to this Dr. to see how real he is???

I've helped write policy for health clinics and can tell you that they do not allow for release of information over the phone. Heck, we don't even allow someone identified as a parent to be told if their child was even IN the clinic, never mind any health related info. I imagine that when OW first visited the clinic that she informed the Doc that you were the father, and that it was okay to tell you things. But, without a lot of paperwork, the Doc is putting his license to practice in jeopardy with the state's medical review board. And what Doc is going to do a stupid thing like that?

I have been speaking directly to her doctor who has confirmed the pregnancy, that plus a few pics are the only 'evidence' I have.

OK, let's parse this one out.

Several of us have chimed in and told you that in the US (I assume her MD is in the US), there can be NO release of medical information (and that includes whether or not an individual is even a patient at the practice) without a waiver. So this in and of itself is suspect in that the "doctor" told you that she is pregnant but can't tell you anything else.

Pictures? At 11 weeks? At this stage in the pregnancy, an ultrasound would only show the heartbeat. There wouldn't really be any "pictures" per se. And most doctors don't do an ultrasound this early unless there are issues, such as, well, gestational age or abnormal bleeding or anything like that.

She's asking you for money for her next MD visit? I do not work in the medical field, but when I had my two, insurance covers the prenatal visits. No copay, etc. Not sure how it works now, but the fact that she is fleecing you for money is disturbing.

Find a good family law specialist in your country that has contacts/experience in dealing with such a situation. Do not agree to split any further expenses without the attorney's approval. Request that all contact go through the attorney's office--there should be no direct contact between you and this woman. The next move should be your attorney writing this woman a letter indicating that they have been retained by you in this matter and that all communication should go through their office and that they will be filing a paternity suit when the child is born.

You cannot imagine how many "miscarriages" or "miscalculations" happen at this juncture. If that is indeed not the case, then you are protected legally and have a process that will be followed to determine if you are indeed the biological parent of this child.

The attorney can also guide you in what to expect if you are the biological parent. You will have to pay child support, certainly. You will also have a choice about whether or not you are involved in this child's life. That decision should involve your GF if she is willing to stay in the relationship. She should be present at your meetings with your attorney because this affects her life also.

In addition to getting legal help, which is vital for you, I would also suggest you get into counseling. Cheating is something that has been present in your relationship with this woman before--if you truly want a healthy relationship with anyone, you need to get to the bottom of why you choose this course of action and how to manage relationships in a respectful and healthy way. Otherwise, I think you would be vulnerable again if you didn't work hard to fix this issue inside yourself.

Cat

Wow. Thanks Cat.

Yea I have serious hangups re the whole thing myself. The OW and I have been friends since we were young teenagers. Honestly, being duped for financial gain is the LAST thing I am expecting of her :(

Her 1st Doc's visit was at 10 1/2 weeks, which she said she paid for. She is employed in the US so I was skeptical of her bringing up splitting costs so soon in the discussions. I listened but had already decided she wouldn't be getting a cent from me.

I have no knowledge of the system in the US re insurance and healthcare etc (which she knows). She just gave me contact for the DOC as a means to 'prove' she was preg. I did as much due diligence as I could (Legit phone number + legit practice)then called the office to set her next appointment date for her. The attendant transferred the call to the (female) DOC who just confirmed she is her patient and that she is Preg.

But I accept all the points being made. No more communication with OW and lawyering up.

Counseling for cheating is definitely on the agenda. I just need to deal with this in front of me right now.

Yes I checked out everything re the Doc. It is an actual office/practice (legit etc), I spoke to an office attendant at first, and then the actual doctor (was quite surprised). She said she couldn't give any information about her patient other than the fact that she IS pregnant (even told me 'congratulations.....)

I'm not saying she's lying . . . but I've been pregnant a bunch of times, and with high risk pregnancies, and have literally NEVER spoken to my doctor on the phone except the ONE Saturday he happened to be on call when I had a question about my daughter's lack of movement. Never ever during the week during working hours, it was always nurses.

Maybe this doctor handles things differently but my doctor has nurses who handle his patients on the phone. I'd be deeply suspicious and ask for receipts/copies of medical records moving forward.

So - what does the lawyer say?

Forged1

I will have my Lawyer contact her this weekend (after breaking the news to BGF). The one I contacted initially is US based, however I will be using a legal rep from within my country to handle the proceedings going forward.

Have you retained this attorney and what is their experience with dealing with child support and paternity issues, particularly in a separate country.

I would think you would want to strategize with the attorney first.

Cat

Cat,

No retention as yet, just a preliminary discussion. Yes he has the relevant expertise. Strategizing and full discussions are next week I hope.