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I'm a BS who has been putting my WH on a roller coaster a lot lately, giving conflicted messages of the kind your wife has (re the anniversary dinner, etc.) It helped me have compassion for him to read your post!

I often don't know what I need--really, I guess, because nothing will make me feel better. So I push him away, but then get angry if he takes me at my word, because it feels like he is running away all over again.

I would recommend persistence--developing (or cultivating, since it sounds like you've already worked on this) a thick skin for the rejections, and not giving up. If you give up--if she pushes you away and you give up--then it really is all over. Take hope FROM the conflict in her messages--when she says she doesn't want to celebrate the anniversary but that she'll go for the food, that she doesn't want sex with you but will do it for selfish reasons, try to emphasize to yourself the positive there. The hurt part of her wants to avoid you--but part of her is clearly yearning for togetherness.

Our MC has talked about the idea of a medical salve. Things might feel repetitive and stagnant, especially to WH, when I don't seem to be healing from the pain. But if he keeps applying a salve to the wound (the salve being consistent care, concern, love, security, reaching out to me) then it will heal. Apply and repeat, over and over and over again, and while the repetitiveness, especially if it is not always kindly received, can feel futile, be assured that the repetitiveness and the consistency is where hope resides.

Good luck.

[This message edited by ReconcilingWife at 10:23 AM, August 29th (Friday)]

I really appreciate all the encouragement and insight. A lot of it is stuff I've heard before, but it helps hearing it again. Thank you all and Happy Friday!

Oh, and yes, I've read the 5 love languages. Hers favors words of affection and quality time, though she "likes gifts" and appreciates acts of service. I've really been trying to keep the place clean since I'm home more than she is. But I was also reading how if the BS really cared so much about a clean place they could get a maid, and housecleaning would only take you so far. I do it anyway though, and don't mind.

My love language favors physical touch though I guess words of affection and acts of service too. As a typical guy my first reaction to that was intercourse. I *needed* it. But, I realize more now than ever that it's the reassuring squeeze of the knee in the car, the quick smooches, the hand on my shoulder, that I really miss.

She used to lie me down on the couch after a rough day and bring me a beer or a plate of food. I miss those days as well.

Maybe I'll go back and read that book again as well. Thanks, TG

Actually, son and I went through a whole list of stuff together two days ago. Sports, gymnastics, archery, horseback riding. He says he changed his mind about the archery. He had brought it up once and then nothing since, so I kept asking him about it for a while. If he wanted to go, I would've taken him, for sure. He currently says he wants to join the boy scouts and earn badges and go camping and hiking etc. I've already been in touch to try to make that happen for him.

He also said he might be interested in learning how to rollerskate/rollerblade, so I might get him a pair of those this weekend and try to do it with him.

Brilliant. Really, that's excellent. It would be a good idea for you to 'talk' more about the love you have for your family because in writing that down, it'll help to remind you of just what it is you have and the good things that you do for them. It'll also make you think of ways in which you can improve that, or make you realize that you're heading down a path that might seem like the right choice initially, but it's ultimately not going to bear the fruit that you hoped. That's another form of 'mindfulness'.

I get that there's a lot of introspection and that's necessary - that's critical in the time post Dday while folks are trying to R. But you must take comfort and satisfaction (careful not to let that turn into resting on your laurels and smugness) from your successes too, and bring those to the attention of people here not in order to get ego kibbles, but so that people can tailor their responses appropriately. It's important to know what you're doing wrong, but it's just as important to know what you're doing right.

Speaking personally, I know that my own STBXWW is focused on many of the things that she did wrong to the extent that she has forgotten many of the things that she did right. It's pretty much the reason that she and I are where we are right now. 'Mindfulness' isn't always thinking about another person and how you have to be constantly careful in case you do bad shit to them. It's also being cognizant and aware of when you're doing the right thing for the right reasons.

Edited for typos and general crapness.

[This message edited by Forged1 at 12:09 PM, August 29th (Friday)]