SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here is an update. Thank god for this forum. I didn't do everything like I wanted, but did what I thought was right. I did recognize to myself where I could have been a better husband and person - out loud to her, after accepting that of myself. No shit, this has made me a better person and father - and even better leader of my office. I don't have to be perfect :)

So she did indeed NC. That is over because it was truly just sex. Found out she truly does think open marriage is ok and good because those things just revive her and make her feel good. She said she gets bored and it's ok. I said you get lazy and selfish and it screws up home.

After a time of talking and thinking - she opened up tonight and said she doesn't think she can go on without hurting me again. Woman never cries and she did. With her when I am hurt I open up and cry... This time I didn't. I am not and will not be in an open marriage. I am decent looking and make good money, could get laid when I want - but I don't and won't.

She is lazy and selfish - takes easy way out to fuck new instead of putting effort into keeping me new. Always takes the easy way out.

She is careless and stupid - while feeling strong and smart. I took herpes knowingly from her. She screwed these guys no protection and didn't tell them herpes - because valtrec is a powerful drug (she says with confidence). She isn't on birth control and I am like WTF - he had V. Married of course. His wife is cheating so they had a pact of fuck it - well stop if one wants to. So stupid and selfish - AND STUPID. I said good god I could have HIV for all I know (test scheduled). No, I pick wisely - OBVIOUSLY THEY DIDNT CAUSE YHEY COULD JAVE YOUR VDs.

She had the good life. I make good money - she doesn't. I treat her like a queen. I realize none of that matters in this cause she is f'd up in the head. Will fuck over ANOTHER child's life to get laid.

This makes me sick. So tired of the porn in my head.

Only she can decide if it's worth it. She is visibly shaking knowing reality... And only now thinking about it. What a dumbass. Willing to screw up our kids lives, MY LIFE, and those pos's lives. This is a broken, selfish, lazy woman.

Again thank you for 180, your advice and thoughts. Learning from ur experiences has helped so much.

It just sucks for me and my kids cause she can't get her head out of her ass.

Hey Exhausted, thanks for the update. Sorry this is so hard for you. Sounds like you're taking a hard look at the reality here and that's a very good thing. Just one thing though:

Only she can decide if it's worth it

Not true. She's shown herself to be someone unworthy of a faithful man. Maybe she can reform, and maybe you would then take her back, but those are two big maybes. You have a choice whether to invite her back into your life. It's an important choice, don't give it away lightly.

Thank you MHCA foR that. I agree and am good with that. I will love this woman till the day I die - and it's up to me whether I am there through it all. I just wish I didn't love her so much Cause it wouldn't hurt so bad - but I married her cause I did. This sucks.

G damn this sucks - I hurt so bad. Why are people so stupid.

And I know she loves and cares about me - cause she wouldn't have told me the truth if she didn't. For what it's worth. Which is a lot but not much.

Do mods cut me off for venting? :)

E1,

You are being very brave and very smart. Your wife may or may not love you but she is doing things that are absolutely unacceptable and not once has she seized the opportunity to show true remorse and try to fix this. I'm biased but the more you post, the more to me she sounds like a sex addict who has not hit bottom yet--and there may never be a bottom. Please keep going, head high. I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you and your family. Keep posting and keep going.

-D.

[This message edited by determinata at 12:38 AM, September 6th (Saturday)]

Exhausted

You can vent all you want. That's ok.

But you have got to get yourself last the denial and wishful hoping . You cannot help yourself until you face the reality and be strong and deal with it.

If your doctor told you that you had a terrible disease you would want treatment. Well your wife is that disease now but you are refusing treatment.

What makes you situation a little different than most here is that there is no mystery or guessing. Most of the betrayed here do not know what is really going on, they suspect this or that and they have to sometimes go to extreme snooping measures to even get a glimpse of the truth.

In your case, your wife has clearly laid it out for you and you telling her you love her is not going to change anything . She does not love you enough to stop doing what she is doing and she has told you that. Is there something I that that you do not understand.

It does not matter why. She does not want to be in a monogamous marriage and you cannot make her. Yes she is selfish , but that does not matter . It does not matter whether you are perfect or imperfect. She wants to be able to fuck other men.

You keep stating that you cannot accept that but you are taking no action to do anything about it. We can all listen but

We are not your wife.

You left your first marriage because you were not in love. Your first wife had to accept that and move on. And that is what you are going to have to do here.

Sure she wants to be married and enjoyed the comforts you provide her. Why wouldn't she. And you are beating yourself up, getting no sleep, and eventually your health or your job will suffer.

Friend , there are only two possible outcomes here. Either you accept that your wife is going to continue to have sex with other men, or you file for divorce.

What you are doing now is just destroying your life and self esteem and it is not going to get better.

You must face the facts. When you do that you can start to come out of your fog.

So I am coming out of my fog more and more. My 180 is real and has been noticed. I had my daughter this weekend and had a great time with my girls. I am staying the course with lawyer and doctor.

She is coming out of fog now too. Funny how great I am - NOW. the angry denial justification crap has stopped. She is communicating some. Funny how things changed wen she saw I didn't give a fuck.

She is so weak and it seems her body and the attention it brings is the only thing that meets her instant gratification needs. So sad to throw away a great family and life to get laid. I don't know if she can change. Confidence in that is the only hope for this marriage.

Until then - I will continue my moto of "just shut the fuck up" cause rationalizing with her is a waste. Only she can fix herself.

[This message edited by Exhausted1 at 4:14 PM, September 7th (Sunday)]

Exhausted,

I'm really sorry you're here. I noticed you're in VA; I'm no attorney but infidelity is a cause for divorce here. Where it may be beneficial to you is in having any potential alimony reduced. I'm in a similar boat in that I'm the primary income source, so alimony is a concern. But infidelity as a grounds for divorce is very hard to prove, so you may want to get that proof before it turns adversarial between you two. I am not suggesting divorce immediately - in fact, I always recommend making no decisions for awhile, because you're in shock and not thinking clearly - but you may want to see that attorney ASAP and get your WS to admit in writing as much as possible, just in case.

So for the continuous update... When I drop my daughter off , it is a 5 hour round trip. I got home and after a while gets tired of my kid attention and no her. Not rude but - I don't give a fuck. Storms off to bed. She threw a couple of jabs and I said just leave then. "Well have you thought about who will watch the kids when you at conferences?" Yes is my answer. Door closes. Night.

You guys have told me all I need to know. She can't handle the somewhat tough shit. Anything close a problem for HER. Means flight. So I continue my flight.

Exhausted

You are making progress but she is not. She actually still believes you are just going to accept her fucking other men when she gets the urge. And she will keep believing that until she gets the divorce papers in her hand, but I do not think that will matter.

Your wife is not insane. She is telling you she does not want to live the monogamous lifestyle and commit to you, and unless that changes you will get another dose of this unless you move on with your life. You cannot change her views, so stop trying to figure out what you did. it was nothing you did. Peoples views on sexuality can change and it is not your job to figure out why hers have. She cannot commit to you. Take her at her word. You know now of multiple affairs and you still may not know it all.

You said it correctly. You have a good career, make good money, and can get other women. There is no need for you to endure this any longer than the legal system takes for you to escape it and make yourself happy again.

The 180 is good for you to empower yourself but the most empowering thing for you will be when you do not have to wonder every time she walks out the door what lie she has told you. And it may be at the point where she will just tell you she is going to be with other men because if you stay with her to her it means you accept it by your inaction

So it was surreal talking to my dr and signing an HIV test waiver. Full panel that I now get to wait on.

We have talked and she NC'd and understands the deal. She loves and cares for me but says she sucks at marriage and making the right decisions - but can't figure out why. She feels "like a piece of shit"

I know my legal rights.

I am not making rush decisions now. She knows how I feel about the future. Never again this - I must trust her. If we can't get there we will go our seperate ways.

I don't sleep - dr prescribed something. I have kept my cool relatively well. But the bottom line is this will always hurt and suck.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Exhausted has she told you the name of this coworker yet?

Stay strong brother.