SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've had a small breakthrough in no small part to the people here not letting my wallow in my martyrdom. I asked him for his passwords. He said ok if that's what you need. The me 1 week ago would have taken this as a good sign and added it to my list of things he's doing right and a sign that he's coming around. But instead, I said if you aren't in a place where you want to give it to me, then i don't want them.

This might sound obvious and small to the veterans here but it's a breakthrough for me on the path to accepting that I can't make him want this. I can only make decisions about what I want and work on me. This realization also lets me say outloud what i want from him without the fear that I will drive him away.

I'm still on the side of hopeful and if I have to accept that he's gone, I will do it with the knowledge that i did everything I could. But what i can't do is make him want it and that is very freeing.

I'm happy for your recent revelation. Just remember, you are going to ride a wave of ever-changing emotions---from feelings of empowerment, to feelings of total despair. It is just important that you understand that in the long run, things will get better.

I don't think that BtraydWife could have stated it any better than she did in her last post. As more time goes by, you will see how accurate her words are. Excuses and rationalizations will start to diminish, and you will realize what you are actually dealing with---a currently non-invested partner.

Rosey, believe me when I say that I understand the fears and the paralysis that is attached to them. It has taken many members years(raises hand) to work past the majority of these fears and unknowns. I might also add that codependency may be a dynamic in your relationship. I would definitely recommend "Codependency No More", just to see if you fit the criteria.

Part of what you have to realize here, is that you have to learn to be selfish to work through infidelity. And I don't mean *selfish* in a bad way, but in a sense that you have to put yourself first---like putting on your own oxygen mask in a depressurizing plane before you help others. You have to get yourself into your best possible frame of mind...because your husband is certainly not going to do this. I also believe that you have just scratched the tip of the iceberg as it pertains to his cheating, but that is not the focal point right now. It is all about you regaining your strength.

You may surely want your husband back in your marriage, but not unless he is fully committed. And your state of limbo will only increase....exponentially....if you wait for him to repair the damage. If you really want a shot at saving your marriage, you need to work towards letting him go. You need to find the strength and courage to END YOUR MARRIAGE---because if you never get to a mental point where you can walk away, you will have been kept in place by your own fears. The other point to this argument is that if your husband isn't willing to fight for you and the marriage, then why would you want to stay in it?

I am all about reconciliation, but it has to be healthy. It needs two committed partners, with the one who has done the most damage(him) doing the extra hard work to not only help you heal, but to fix his own inner demons. That "2 happy families is better than 1 unhappy family" just shows how far from reality his head really is. How do you attempt to reconcile with that mindset? The answer is---you don't. You work on dissolving your marriage until it has been legally ended, or he steps up to take responsibility. I know how much easier-said-than-done this sounds(I hate even having to type it), but it really is true. This site is about Surviving Infidelity, and that starts with personal healing----yours.

Please keep reading and posting. The more that we know, the more that we can possibly help.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:49 AM, September 1st (Monday)]

But instead, I said if you aren't in a place where you want to give it to me, then i don't want them.

Gently, this looks like you just gave him another "pass". Of course he isn't going to meet you at the door with his passwords, phone, and computer. He's got the best of both worlds. What you need to do is kick his ass of the fence. It's either you and your family or her and his affair child. He has checked out, and you aren't going to "nice" him back. Kick his butt out,if he works hard enough to come back, great. If not, then you have saved yourself more heartache. You need to take care of yourself and your children above all else.

I think it's great you see you can't do anything to make him want to stay or leave. That decision is his alone.

Just please don't misinterpret him saying he will give you the passwords as progress from him. It's a ploy to appease you and buy him more time.

It will take a much bigger effort to fix this mess he caused, and he knows that. His actions are still saying he is not willing to put forth that effort.

You should really try your best to detach from him. He's not your husband right now, not even your friend. Read up on the 180 and do your best to pull back and protect your heart and mind from him.

Keep hanging in there with your sanity. Work to detach.

I feel like i'm slowly turning a corner.

I can't find the 180 post. can somoene link it or direct me where to find it?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

There you go. This one goes with it as far as I'm concerned and has some good tips too.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

So sorry you here.

Thank you junior.

I'm trying to send a private message to someone but I noticed all the little icons next everyone's names are greyed out except the profile link.

Do i have to have a certain number of posts or days as a member before PM'ing is enabled? I looked in the FAQ and couldn't find the answer.

TIA

I couldn't remember how many from when I first started coming here. After some digging it looks like in 2013 sometime to prevent spamming it was changed from being available at sign up. You now need 51 legit posts to get the PM and Investigative tips features enabled.

Maybe that's why I couldn't remember how many posts a person needed. Gotta love those senior moments.

The fog is slowly lifting. I feel like I'm making progress everyday which makes me feel hopeful. I spent the weekend with my mom and sister but I called him multiple times every day. I realized on the last day how unhealthy that is.

Thank you jb for the book reference. I fit most of the co dependent criteria to a T. It made me feel silly and hopeful at the same time because it must be so obvious to everyone else. I'm glad I have a name for it because that means I can find help to fix it.

I made an appointment with an attorney to get state specific advice on child support and the implications of his OC.

I am less fearful of being alone. I am still willing to consider R but I can finally see he is not interested. Which he's been telling me the whole time. I just wouldn't listen.

I believe he loves me and regrets that he caused me pain. However, he is feeling guilty, not remorseful. He wishes he could take it all back but is not willing to repair it.

We have an MC appointment tomorrow where I will ask advice on how to tell our children about separation. I think I'm ready to let him go but I want to make sure I'm also minimizing the trauma to our kids.

Also. Thank you to everyone for your points about the access. I didn't explain myself well. I wasn't giving him a pass. In fact, I think that's what snapped me out of the denial that I couldn't nice him back. It's such a basic request that even googling will tell you is necessary and valid for the BS. The fact that he bristled at it told me what I needed to hear.

Rosey,

Think about how much sneaking, lying and betrayal goes into keeping your spouse from finding out that you not only cheated, but had a baby with someone else. Top that off with it was with someone you know.

Denial is a powerful, powerful thing. And in situations like yours, victims tend to go where they are most comfortable and feel most safe. In denial. The other thing you seem to want to do is "put things back to the way they were". (another form of denial) You are most likely co-dependent. You are in "fix-it" mode. How ironic. It should be him.

I have been in your shoes and sadly, I see many, many similarities in your story to mine.

1) He is a lying sack of shit. This was NOT a one-night-stand. He is minimizing.

2) Broken condom? Again, more WS minimizing.

3) EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING (even the sorry's) that comes out of his mouth is a LIE.

You need to realize and accept that you did not do this, you did not cause this and you can not fix this. IF (big if here) he is remorseful, you will see it in his actions. And right now, you've got nothing.

Get to an attorney. Protect yourself.

You are too good for him. Hugs.

He's moving out. I accept this marraige can't be salvaged if I'm the only one that wants to salvage it. I don't want my marraige back. If anything, we'd be completely starting over and again, I can't do that alone.

I'm so desperately completely sad.

{{{{Rosey}}}}}

I'm sorry.

k9

I'm so sorry. I'm also proud you faced what he's doing and what it really means. That's difficult and scary to do.

We are always here for chit chat, support, understanding. I know you don't feel it now but you are going to be ok.

(((Rosey)))

I will be on this board a lot in the coming weeks and months I'm sure. I am not a whole person, and neither is he. We aren't divorcing yet. I am in desperate black hole of sadness at him moving out. We are both going to IC (he's been in IC for several years), and will revisit D at a later date. I just don't think i can bear it right now.

I am hopeful I can regain foothold on the baby steps i've made these last two weeks and carry on healing myself.

Next order of business is unmeshing our finances and me finding an IC. We see our MC tomorrow to talk about how to tell the kids.

Those are all great steps to get to a healthier place.

The only non-panic inducing part of this is my mom drilled into me and my sisters to never ever be financially dependent on a man. When we bought our house, I said I would only commit to a mortgage I could pay on my own if he dropped dead. I figured it up when this whole mess started and I can pay every single bill we have by myself if I need to. Thank god for that.

((Big hugs)) I'm sorry for everything you are going through!!!!

Rosey, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but have you considered YOU might have to pay spouse support if you make almost twice what he makes? Factor that in when figuring out your new budget. He will probably be counting on it, since he will have to support OC, and possibly the baby momma.