We stayed up til about 4am talking about this, going over if it was worth it to even try, and I still want to try. For the record, my ex-GF has never been something I wanted to 'keep in my back pocket, just in case'. The whole "google plus" thing confused the hell out of me; I never use Hangouts, I use the chat that's in Gmail (which I now know is all connected, hence why it says I'm in Hangouts, but it sent me an email). ANYWAY. I blocked her in everything with my B.S. watching.
A few days after D-Day, I contacted the (now former) friend of mine who was always flirty, always sending pics, etc., and I did so in order to set some boundaries and let it be known what my situation was, and to not contact me. I've recieved no correspondence whatsoever since then, and the "knock-knock" I sent was not "jaunty", it's how I have always messaged anyone. Yes, she sent me a pic of herself in a corset, but No, I didn't respond to that. I have fucked up, but I really wouldn't do that directly after all that happened here, so very recently. I apologized to my B.S. that I didn't mention it to her, but I mean it that any contacting I did to anyone was shortly after D-Day, and none later, to enforce No Contact. Since that time, and for the past month and a half, all I've been doing is purging my life of friends/acquaintances, reading/writing on SI and focusing on my B.S., and trying to work on myself. I now have no Yahoo, I have no Tumblr. I never used Yahoo except for messenger anyway (had that since 2004). I have my one email account, and I mentioned the idea of terminating my phone. It'd make my job a little difficult, but oh well. (little known fact; before I moved here, I didn't even have a phone, from 2005 to 2012. I was difficult to get in touch with.) I went through my phone's contacts this morning with my B.S. right there, and showing her, blocked/deleted numbers left and right of unnecessary people. It felt good, and I hope it means something.
I've been all in, despite the discovery of the last old correspondence (which was initiated by me to END correspondence). My existence has been THIS. Nothing but THIS. Every day. Day in, day out. Trying. If the last few months are now meaningless? Then I guess I'll just keep trying.
Yesterday I was proactive in writing down "why"s here. I'll keep going. I'm not stopping.
This is my life, and while it sucks right now, I know it's my doing, and am taking steps to make it better. I do not want to be a bad person.