Unless you've experienced both, I think it would be hard to compare...and even then, your own experience may vary greatly from someone else's. Moreover, you could take the exact same scenario, and the exact same BS, and I'd imagine that an unremorseful WS vs a remorseful WS would ALSO impact healing. There are just too many variables.
Having said that, I will add that when DDay happened, that first twenty-four hours, I was made to believe that it was an entirely one-sided infatuation that my WH had for a lesbian OW. I truly never considered that there'd be anything more than that, and ...just knowing that he seemed obsessed with her and was thinking about her so much, was heartbreaking. The next evening, he indicated that there'd been some minor heavy petting, but still fully clothed. My gosh, he...he'd TOUCHED her? He...he did that? I did not sleep that entire night; I cried while looking at her Facebook page and ...could not fathom that the pain could be any worse.
The next day (day 3), he admitted to a little more - some clothing had come off, but that was all. Still no sex. On day 4, I discovered OW2 by looking at photos on his laptop while he was at work. Selfies she'd sent, both provocative and ...while not nude, certainly were not photos he'd have shown me or the kids, if you know what I mean.
That evening, he admitted that OW2 had come onto him (not really...it was planned and there was so much more - but he wouldn't admit that for another three days), and they tried to have sex but he couldn't get erect, and then he promised me that there had been no penetration. That night, reeling from all of this, I comforted myself by at least reminding myself that they hadn't actually HAD sex - hadn't completed the act. It wasn't much, but I clung to it as the only thing left - that at least ...our physical union was still sacred and that he had not been inside either of them.
Day 5 came with more bits and pieces discovered, but nothing substantive, and I told him that I hoped I knew everything - that I had to hold onto at least the belief that there was nothing else. He didn't eat that night, and went to bed early.
On the morning of day 6, he leaned over my shoulder, brushed my cheek and kissed me, and said that he had something he needed to tell me. And I knew. And my gosh, it was - and is still - devastating in a way that I cannot adequately articulate. And although I agree with hurdlestocross, for me, I still wish most of all that the physical boundary had not been crossed - that it was still just the two of us in our bed, so to speak. But no - there are four of us now, and of all the things about this hellish nightmare, that is the one thing that I wish had been preserved. You can take back words, or come out of the fog, but you can't unfuck an AP.
Making it worse over the next few weeks was his initial insistence that it was just "porn sex" that he'd sought with OW1, and learning that there had absolutely been a substantial EA component to both. And also learning that the relationship with OW2 hadn't just been a one-weekend thing - that he'd initiated contact with her (he knew she'd been a LTA AP for another MM in his office), and that it had occurred, mostly by texting and phone calls, for nearly eleven months...though he didn't agree to take it physical until about six months in.
I realize that that's my worst case scenario because that is our story. If our story had been different, then perhaps the EA might have been more devastating for me. After all, he discussed "our divorce" (that I did not know about) with both, and discussed plans to live with both (which would have required him to leave his kids and move to a different state, and he at least gave them the impression he was considering it), but neither were "soulmates" and there was no undying love sworn (just I love yous with OW1), nor did he vilify me (too much) (that he's admitted to - most texts were deleted and irretrievable). But still.
When I step back and look at this at a macro level, the mere fact that he INVITED someone else (x2!) into our marriage without telling me, knowing that they sought to destroy our family and that he was willing - WILLING! - to allow them to participate in it, is the absolute worst part of all. That's the betrayal - the deception and later, the TT to keep it hidden - which is why I think both EA and PA can hurt equally. But once it's happened? Once the breach has occurred? I'd have given anything to have at least the physical boundary intact. But you know, no one asked me.
[This message edited by BlueIris at 2:51 PM, May 6th (Friday)]
