SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LifeisCrazy -

Thank you for your message. Some of the comments on here can feel harsh, but they make me think. Others give me hope. Thanks for giving me a little bit of hope, along with some good things to think on. I agree on the shit sandwich bit... the taste is still pretty strong.

As far as the type of guy I am. I'm not sure. I know who I want to be, and I feel that I CAN move past it. Even today I try not to wield her mistake as a "win all" in arguments. I'm hoping I can continue that.

FYI: sex is not your issue. Your WW did not have an affair to "see if he fit better". She had an affair because she was selfish.

You also know it wasn't a 10 second thing. So even her confession is full of lies and omissions.

What is she doing to show you her remorse?

Has she had an STD test? (Have YOU?)

Has she written a timeline of the affair?

brokenblackbird - I pasted your quote above for context. I'm not saying sex was an appropriate excuse. I do believe that the reasons this happened are more complex than "she is selfish." Do I think that she was selfish? Absolutely! There is no other way to describe. Do I think that was the only motivating factor... no.

As far as the "10 second" thing. I don't know if she was honest with that, and I don't know if it was a lie. Neither do you. In my opinion it doesn't really matter, that was still a line she crossed. Not to mention, she has revealed numerous other details that she didn't hold back on related to their sexual experiences. I don't see much motivation in her lying about that, although it is possible.

I have had an STD test, clean thank god.

Yes, she has written a timeline of the affair. Checking against phone logs and bank statements I found no discrepancies at all. There was supporting evidence (phone calls, texts, etc) that showed she was telling the truth about the timing of different events.

I'm fairly crafty and very good with technology. So far I have not caught her in a lie since D-day.

[This message edited by IdesofAugust at 3:43 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

I'm glad you have not caught her in any lies.

Sex is rarely ever the root cause of cheating. Read around here for awhile, the 10 second thing is actually used a lot. There is a saying that there is a "cheater's handbook" because their lies are all so similar, its like they were reading out of an instruction manual on how to lie about cheating.

There has been the "You weren't paying attention to me." "I thought you wouldn't care/we were over." "We never have sex anymore." "It wasn't physical (when it was)." "We started but never finished because I felt too guilty."

You were tested. Was she?

You weren't paying attention to me.

Haven't heard this one. Maybe a version of it though. She said I was always there for her, and that she knew I supported her. She got the type of support she needed at work from him. It was something I literally could not have offered her, because I wasn't a coworker.

This wasn't an excuse from her. It was a direct answer to me asking her questions trying to get her to explain how this happened.

I thought you wouldn't care/we were over.

Maybe a version? She told me that she felt that because this happened, maybe it meant that we weren't supposed to be together. However, she did not use that to justify the A happening in the first place. She used it to justify proceeding deeper into the relationship with the AP. She now says that the A happened because she was selfish and didn't know how to communicate what she needed. She let it fester and build, but was scared to seek help.

We never have sex anymore.

We actually had a good sex life. PiV wasn't a part of it often, because of the pain, but we had a lot of fun anyway. She rarely went away unsatisfied and typically had multiple orgasms. She still says there were no complaints in our sex life outside the fact that PiV was painful and she felt like she wasn't able to offer me that. She worried about compatibility issues. As it turns out, being more relaxed and using a better lube works pretty well for us.

It wasn't physical (when it was).

That is one thing t hat helps me believe her in this. She has never denied there was a physical component. She gave me details about specific acts they did that were arguably harder to hear than they had sex to completion. She pulled zero punches or tried to soften the facts on those areas aside from asking me if I really wanted to hear that before giving me the answer.

We started but never finished because I felt too guilty.

This is another one I haven't heard. Oddly enough, the opposite. She has told me that she didn't really feel guilty during the affair. She felt that after the first time they kissed, the damage was already done. She felt that when she told him she loved him, that was the ultimate betrayal... not any of the physical acts on their own.

She says that she wasn't really certain why she stopped. That it didn't hurt, and that was something she really wanted to know. The really weird thing is that she told me he didn't finish at all after they tried that. He had cum during other encounters they had, in different ways, but not then. That was an odd detail that gave it a little more credibility.

I agree that it was a weird thing. I fully expected to hear that they had finished. Her answer has been consistent from the first day on that one. Tried it briefly, it didn't hurt, neither of them orgasmed from it.

I don't know. It wouldn't surprise me at all if that was a lie. I could probably deal with it too.. cause what is the real difference there. Then again, what does she gain from lying about that after all the other extremely horrible things she told me about?

As to your other question. I got an STD test, but she has not. She has no symptoms, I came up clean, and we had been sexually active during the affair.

She says that she wasn't really certain why she stopped. That it didn't hurt, and that was something she really wanted to know. The really weird thing is that she told me he didn't finish at all after they tried that. He had cum during other encounters they had, in different ways, but not then. That was an odd detail that gave it a little more credibility.

I agree that it was a weird thing. I fully expected to hear that they had finished. Her answer has been consistent from the first day on that one. Tried it briefly, it didn't hurt, neither of them orgasmed from it.

I don't know. It wouldn't surprise me at all if that was a lie. I could probably deal with it too.. cause what is the real difference there. Then again, what does she gain from lying about that after all the other extremely horrible things she told me about?

I'll just add my voice to those who've already stated her story has more holes than a sieve. It's not important in regards to the actual sexual act, because whether he or she had an orgasm or not is a moot point once they started actually having sex. It is important because it tells you where your WW is mentally. Is she still in a space where she is willing to lie to you to save face? If that is the case, then how can you make plans to move forward if you do not know what is a lie and what is the truth? It becomes very hard to deal with anything if your WW is still lying to you. If you haven't already, press her on the importance of truth for rebuilding. It will hurt a lot if you get it, but at least then you will be able to face it and deal with it. That is better than fighting shadows. Have you considered a polygraph?

jigga114 -

We have already had the discussion about honesty and truth building. She has answered MANY questions where she could have saved face by falsifying the answers and, presumably, didn't.

A TMI for instance here, she told me when she gave him head that she swallowed.

She told me things like that without hesitation during the same conversations that this sex act was disclosed.

I don't know folks... I am hearing you that this is a common lie. I'm just not seeing why she would choose to save face in that one fact out of so many that were arguably just as bad or even worse.

If I had to guess, it would be that the reasons for stopping were things like "we don't have a condom" and "I'm going home right after this, cleaning up might be a bit hard."

I've read a lot of good advice on here, and I think there is a lot of great things to take away from the discussion. I'm just not certain that this one fact she gave me, given how open she has been with information (again the level of detail, etc make it a little hard to believe she is hiding ANYTHING).

I will push the subject a little, make sure that I don't drum up any inconsistencies. I am a little leery of wielding the polygraph test though at this time. I kind of see that when there is more indirect or direct evidence of dishonesty and or facts not matching up with the answers.

Just skimming this thread but it seems everything you have to offer, Ides, are endless apologies for WW - that is not your job.

You contend she has been 'honest' about cheating, honest about lying - isn't that what blew up a couple of computers on the Original StarTrek TV show?

Well hip-hop hurray, she is a forthcoming and honest cheater - that and $4.35 get's me an almond milk latte at Starbucks.

DUDE!?

Ok so Reconciliation is your goal - then I would just focus on yourself at this point - get yourself in IC.

Get yourself together as best you can. You can't police her, her "backsliding", her contacting OM and you do not seem to want to anyway.

Work on what it is you want here - you came to SI for something, and it wasn't to defend her betrayal.

From your Orginal post -

As we have come further down the road, my anger has shifted back toward her a bit.

I was a good husband. I didn’t deserve this. I still don’t know how the trust can heal. I never saw this coming. Not from her. Not this level of betrayal

There is your road map - stop focusing on the A, and whether or not she is performing properly now. She has shown you who she is.

You have done nothing wrong since, you did nothing to deserve this, it is not on you to fix this.

Good Luck!

[This message edited by ChangingChump at 12:55 AM, December 15th (Thursday)]

Just skimming this thread but it seems everything you have to offer, Ides, are endless apologies for WW - that is not your job.

I don't feel like I am offering that many apologies... What she did was atrocious. There is absolutely NO excuse for the A.

What I have tried to do is humanize my W a bit. The act she committed is so horrible that, in many cases, it can be easy to lose track of the fact that she is a person too. While there are no excuses, and never will be, people do things for reasons. Those reasons shed a lot of light on underlying problems and potential paths to recovery.

That being said, I absolutely white knighted for the first 3 weeks. I regret it. However, after that point I feel like my wife has been doing many of the things that this website points out she should be doing if we want to be on a path to R.

The thread wandered a bit as commenters took specific details she told me and said that they were textbook lies. It was an interesting perspective and made me think. I wasn't defending her, as much as I was trying to see how their blanket opinion held up to more details of how she has been open.

Does that make what she did any better? No. However, if someone tells me she is lying to me again I want to have a reasonable discussion about it before I take any action.

As to focusing on IC for myself. I have been in IC since 2 weeks after D-day, as has she. We had been doing some preliminary MC, but after we got to a certain point the therapist suggested that IC sessions continue for my wife, slow down for me, and MC would be paused.

I would bet the farm` the POS OM, has not told his wife ANYTHING.

IdesofAugust,

Your WW MUST be tested for STDs ASAP!. There several STDs that cannot be tested for in men, and do not have any symptoms until they do their damage. HPV is one.

On notifying the OBS, a PI can find her quickly and even get your message to her where you know she received it. If your WW tests positive for an STD, then you must get this to the OBS to protect her and her kids.

Reconciliation and a happy marriage after infidelity is possible, even when you screw up the reconciliation. Check my story.

At this point I did the only thing I could think of. I devoted all my spare time to being there for her completely. Chores, errands, cooking dinner, and trying to really understand her struggles at work.

You were too nice to her. Not that it excuses her behavior, but putting her on a pedestal does nothing except destroy her respect for you. And women can't be attracted to men who they don't respect. Stop doing that.

Why are you staying with her? It sounds like you don't have any kids, and it seems like the marriage was troubled even before this. 6 years is not long at all. Start over.

Besides, it sounds like you're in your late 20s. You could find a noncheater and upgrade both in terms of character and attractiveness. The quality of women you can attract given your age, career and personality should be substantially better than when you attracted your wife.

[This message edited by french123 at 5:39 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

Your WW must be tested for STDs..

If she is clear,

I disgree with the other posters when it comes to informing the OBS at this time.

If you KNOW she is pregnant, I would allow this poor woman some emotional and mental peace to at least carry her baby through to the birth.

UNLESS of course your WW tests positive for any STDs, then yes, notify her immediately.