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40YOSL ( member #49318) posted at 6:12 AM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
She was with you for 11 years and managed not to get pregnant but only a few times with him and she is. Sounds like maybe she thought she could trap him with a baby and he showed her the only relationship with her he wanted was sexual.
We all know that emotionally ending your marriage is very painful but you clearly were her plan B. She discussed the baby with OM hoping he would want it and she would have dumped you for him if he had agreed. Show her you are not going to be Plan B.
Blueboy1904 ( member #54536) posted at 9:20 AM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
Be strong don't be plan B!
There is no excuse for getting pregnant in this day and age
ME: 40
WW: 37
T:21 M:17
S12 D10 D10
Story to much for signature, see profile!
SimoneDB ( member #27209) posted at 2:46 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you. We all know the pain you feel now and probably will continue to feel for some time. But the pregnancy is her problem. Don't let it become yours. Since you are young and childless, I would recommend divorce. Do it quickly to avoid complications. If you have some lingering feeling that you might want to reconcile with your wife, you can consider that later, after the divorce is final and you are protected from her. But life is short and precious and the world is full of all kinds of people. I would put my energy into finding a new partner who will give you the love, respect, and loyalty you deserve. Good luck to you.
Dobby ( member #50027) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
I'm with the crowd, there's nothing to save here, it was over a long time ago.
Don't feel bad or guilty, she chose this path and it's her burden to bare. You are a victim and its in your best interest to walk away.
Bamafever ( member #55980) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
I agree with the other posts. You didn't have a real relationship before discovery, why think you or her can now?
You both would have to find some common ground from your years together to find a way around all this. That is something only you can find.
But I would not hesitate to let everyone know what happened. On all sides, hers, yours, and the SOB she was with.
Me: BS 58
Her: WS 58
Together 42 years, M: Almost 37 years
Jsmart ( member #56437) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
She cut you off sexually so she could remain faithful to her real man. She bought into what OM was telling her and allowed herself to get pregnant. He probably dumped her when she told him she was pregnant then came back to plan B.
anothermr ( member #51650) posted at 11:04 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2017
Get yourself an STD test, then lawyer up and file.
Writersblock122 ( member #54683) posted at 1:02 AM on Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
When you speak to a lawyer, make sure to let him/her know about the pregnancy and don't let your WS try to convince everyone it is your baby. Don't be surprised if she decides to say you are the father if things get ugly. She may try "he left me alone and pregnant." You should tell friends and family not only for moral support, but to also cut that "he left me alone and pregnant" rumor off before it starts. Be prepared for a paternity test.
M 2003 BW:Me; WH:diagnosed SA Multiple D Days: D Day #1: 7/30/16 D Day #2: 8/8/16; D Day #3: 9/1/19; D Day #4: 8/12/21
Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:38 AM on Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
you said this "If it was only an affair, I could have thought twice of giving this a second chance. But knowing she has been pregnant, it feels terrible."
You are minimizing the affair. Horrible decision. The affair is worse than the pregnancy. The pregnancy means little unless you decide to raise another man's kid. Then it is major. But that will be your fault. It's her cheating that caused everything.
You need to get your priorities right.
Yes, no kids, make a peaceful break and get this woman out of your life. She abandoned you, screwed another man and got pregnant and now you are thinking about staying ? Self respect ???
Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:40 AM on Wednesday, February 1st, 2017
sadly, he checked out. I hope he doesn't live the life of a cuckold
JCinAZ ( new member #57243) posted at 1:54 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017
NO SOLICITING
[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:36 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]
william ( member #41986) posted at 8:17 AM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017
most of us had ws who risked pregnancy or disease because cheaters exist in a unicorn farting rainbow world in which condoms arent needed or used. even people who should know better dont use them.
me - bh
her - lara01
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
JimmyB ( member #43976) posted at 4:54 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017
I really feel your pain. My WW got pregnant during her first affair. To this day she claims he lied to her about a vasectomy, but I think she just made it up to cover her stupidity. At the time she didn't even elude to the fact that he had lied or that she even suspected it. She left what he said just as he said it, she even says she told him and he had a sperm count done and was negative. She ended up having an abortion. That whole thing makes me sick and it makes me sick hearing you are going through that. I made the mistake of taking her back and I suffered negative emotional consequences as a result. She has had multiple affairs in the years since, a couple with that same OM. I would suggest thinking very hard of what could possibly be your the future and if you are willing to take that risk. I know I shouldn't have.
ME: 60 Madhatter, 1 PA, 6 months(making out, no sexual contact), 2006. 1 sexual act with a stranger in a car - w/hands, 2010.
WW: 57 Madhatter, 25 year (1988-2013) PA, 3 separate affairs, same OM). 8 year, 2005-2013, EA with 1st boyfriend/lover
barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, February 14th, 2017
Should I give her a second chance and forget what happened OR get a separation and make my own way out of this ?
Looking for advice from people who have gone through this ? I'm feeling horrible and need assistance...please Help !!
Many people here are suggesting that you get divorced. That's the obvious and sensible recommendation.
HOWEVER, it's your life and you should do what you want and what feels right for you.
The first piece of advice that I have for you is to try and figure out if you TRULY WANT to be married to her and that she TRULY WANTS to be married to you. This is not an either/or situation... it absolutely has to be an AND. Be careful, though, because many wayward spouses claim (with their words) that they want to be married, but they act much differently.
Beyond that, if you decide to stay married... you need to realize that it is going to be very difficult and both of you will need to work really hard to reconcile (be careful of false reconciliation).
In the short term, focus on taking care of yourself. Eating is often difficult... try to get in as many calories as you can. Sleeping is also difficult; consider seeing a doctor and getting a sleeping aid prescribed for you (or try melatonin). Get exercise... it helps with stress and sleep. Try to avoid drugs and alcohol.
Good luck. The people here are wonderful and they will care for you in ways that you can't imagine.
Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.
123whythishappen (original poster new member #57184) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
Update to everyone : I learnt last week that she is in love with her affair partner and wants to be with him. She moved out last week to a rental apartment and he is helping to move. I do not know if he is going to be with her, because he is seeing/married to someone. Anyways, I have started working on the legal separation and financial separation. It feels really hurtful but glad it happened.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 6:01 PM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
I am so sorry for your pain. Please take care of yourself as best as you can.
Does the OM's wife/gf know about the situation?
It might be prudent to inform her. Her health could be at risk, and she is living a lie.
Please keep posting.
xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 8:54 PM on Wednesday, February 22nd, 2017
Take care of yourself. This is likely for the best.
Also, ready yourself for when she comes back to you, trying to convince you you were the best thing ever to happen to her, and she made a huge mistake. She probably will.
Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.
Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:58 PM on Thursday, February 23rd, 2017
123
Before your story slips into page 2 black void…
If I could I would write the next sentence in 128-point blood-red, flashing stone block font. It’s of VITAL importance to your future:
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
Get it?
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
One more time?
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
If her OM is a married man, then experience tells us repeatedly that for him she was an adventure. Chances are 9/10 he will work on saving his marriage and dump his pastry. That might include convincing your wife not to seek paternity or CS, offering a non-traceable one-off payment, refusing paternity… whatever.
You – as her husband – will be legally assumed the father. EVEN IF YOU DON’T SIGN ANYTHING at birth. Heck… you don’t even have to sign on the dotted line – you are AUTOMATICALLY the father.
Ignore this advice and 2-3-18 years from now – when the then ex-wife realizes OM isn’t going to contribute, has maybe lost track of him and needs money (because having kids does cost) and suddenly you are in a legal battle to prove you are not the father.
AT THAT TIME the biological fact you aren’t the father might not even matter. The simple fact you didn’t do anything NOW to refute paternity can legally be silent acceptance of parental responsibility….
SO YOU NEED LEGAL ADVICE and you need to ensure you are not the legal father.
Plenty you can do: You can demand tests at birth, maybe subpoena OM in the divorce proceedings to confirm paternity (might pressure WW to sign a disclaimer reg. your role)… whatever. What is clear is that you:
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 3:56 PM on Thursday, February 23rd, 2017
GET LEGAL ADVICE REGARDING PATERNITY EVEN IF YOU ARE DIVORCING!!!!!
I just don't think this can be said enough. This isn't a wait and see how things work with your WW and OM and OBS, or wait until you feel better about the IF, or until your WW is less vulnerable, or past a certain stage in the pg, or after vacation or...or a million other excuses. This is a DO IT NOW, top of the list type of thing.
Good luck
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