SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for the advice and kind words thus far. I could hardly sleep last night. Today makes day 3 since D-day and I haven't had any contact since. She's only sent me the one text message on 10/08 at 11 to say "Will you tell me that you made it there safe"

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I don't know why I was expecting more. Maybe that she would already come to her senses by now, idk. Hard to believe this is my life now. I'm staying at my parents as a 30 year old man with barely $100 in my bank account.

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Meeting the first divorce attorney today in about 3 hours. He did mention on the phone I would need to come up with $500 to have her served. Is this normal? Idk how I will come up with the money, I'm on the job hunt today as well. This Divorce attorney is a friend of sorts but I can't help but to think I might want to get another opinion after today.

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Still remaining NC and trying to stay strong...easier said than done.

I'm staying at my parents as a 30 year old man with barely $100 in my bank account.

This is still waaay better than where you were...and who you were with. It is easy to see that you are a high value, high quality guy. Not may people in their 20's have the employment and financial discipline to have a $50K savings account. Take an inventory of yourself. You'll see that there is much more to you than that sentence.

$500 for a process server. Ask if it is because it is out of state.

Sorry you're here, brother.

These folks are giving you excellent advice here. Please follow the advice as best as you can. The NC is critical and will keep you out of trouble - both emotional & legal. She is in the fog right now, but when it lifts the communication from her will come and it will be intense. Don't take the bait. You will only be Plan B, and that is no foundation on which to base a future.

Living with your parents is a hit to your pride, but you did it because you trusted. Whether or not the person was worthy of your trust is no matter now because you have information now that you didn't have then.

You're a Marine. This is something you can endure and eventually you will emerge and be a stronger man. The best revenge is to live well.

Have her pay the $500.

For now barrow it.

She will owe you some money any way.

Grannted it's only been...what 4years...she is still the bread winner.

Having her served is one more step in making this affair as inconvenient and uncomfortable as possible.

Can't you sell something or pawn it?

I feel you need make a statement now.

After she is served you still have a long way to in the process.

Hell I have heard of couples committing to R the day of their D .

Hello SI, I have an update after speaking with the lawyer.

First, the house in both of our names. He told me about the process and the expectations and gave me the logistics of it all. But he is also a friend, so I asked for his personal advice as well.

Judging from most the comments, you won't be happy with me SI. I sent her a text after meeting with the lawyer and asked if she could call me on her lunch break. She responded instantly, "of course"

During the wait, I accidentally dropped my cell phone in the pool. It bounced at least five times in slow motion and I dived in to save it, the forefront of my mind being I had to make that phone call. Suffice to say, I think it's ruined. Was it a sign? If so I ignored it.

I called her via FaceTime on the iPad and we spoke at length. We asked each other how we were at the same time, we both said not good. I was very calm and collected on this call. I asked her if she meant all those things she said, if she really wanted to separate and get a divorce. She began sobbing. "I think so."

Her voice was shaky.

No matter how badly I was betrayed I still love this woman. And at my core I'm a warrior, and from what I've read around here I'm an idiot but so be it. I can't just throw in the towel on my marriage. I have to at least try to fight for it before I can accept its done.

I told her that. I told her calmly that I loved her very much, that my intention is to fight for our marriage. She asked how I would even be able to look at her, how would I forgive her? I told her when I took my vows I said for better or worse and although you've betrayed me and hurt me bad, there is still a possibility to come back from all this. I said we couldn't just give up on our marriage without even trying. We weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend for a few months, we were husband and wife and we could get through this. I said not to presume, but if what is holding you back is shame just know you can be forgiven.

She said she was confused, could she have time to think. I immediately recognized this and said does that just mean I'm going to be your plan B? I told her once the fantasy of anything she had or thought she had faded, divorce would be permanent and it's something that would affect us deeply forever. She said she didn't sleep with him and didn't intend to, then she cried.

I can feel you rolling your eyes.

Towards the end of the call, the naive part of me wants to say I reached her. I want to think that I've gotten through to my wife and communicated through counseling and hard work we could fix this and have more happiness we ever thought possible. Despite SI's advice I acknowledged my faults and said I recognize I haven't been the best husband but we could fix this if she wanted to and I would put in the work if she would.

I know, I know.

The conversation ended with not much resolved but we agreed to talk on Thursday. I want to hope I got through to her. But don't get me wrong SI, I have the papers written up. I recognize I'm playing her game now, but I'm just not the type of man who can let go even if it brings me a little more heartache. If things don't go well by Thursday, I will have to make my move. Will keep you updated ....

The way is see it is in a few months your old lady is still screwing a round....you or a few month a head of the game.

If things work out, at least your old lady know you dont mess around and D papers are selved until she screws around again.

It really is a statement you need to make now IMHO.

I know you love her. She is a lucky woman. Thank you for your service. The reality is she betrayed your trust and tossed your vows and marriage away over someone she barely knows. Pure fantasy. She needs to WORK to earn your trust back. The choice is not hers but yours. Time to make her feel what life will be without you. I pray you are strong enough to do that. You deserve better than this. My prayers go with you

Thanks TheGuy. At this point I'm CHOOSING to believe she hasn't slept with him. As far as information about meeting this man goes, she has answered all my questions. What isn't answered is what drove us to this point.

Even if she has, at least right now, It doesn't matter. I can't help to think pitfalls in our marriage that we didn't communicate pushed it to this point and I'm making the active choice to believe her despite it sounding ridiculous. and I'm clinging to hope that we can somehow work through our issues.

In that same breath, I've curbed my expectations and expect the worse. Two more days couldn't possibly cause me any more grief than I've already had. If this phone call on Thursday doesn't result in something concrete ... The papers will be served. Ugh.

She said she was confused, could she have time to think.

I'm thinking it was a sign. If she hesitated, then yes, your are Plan B, as best.

I certainly understand you desire to make every possible effort, but with her not showing any sign of remorse, or willing to give up the OM and her job, where does that leave you? Waiting in the wings like a puppy, just in case it doesn't work out.

Did she have sex, most likely yes. She said she doesn't love you anymore. She left in the middle of the night, where did she go? She left and didn't come home.

It takes two to reconcile and make this work, I don't see anyone but you at the table.

My advice, continue with the divorce and don't indicate any other path, unless and until she SHOWS you a big change of heart and character.

I wouldn't want to stay married to someone that doesn't love me.

Nice guys finish last. I learned it the hard way, I'm thinking you may have to too.

Good luck, bro.

God... for the f’ing love god... please listen to the advice you are being given. And act now. Have her served tomorrow and stop communicating with her. Your making every mistake in the book. If you want any chance of getting her back... like genuinely getter her back, than you need to hit her with swift, harsh consequences. What is going to change by Thursday? Stop. Being. Weak. I know it’s hard but you need to act with strength right this very second. Your story has been told 1000 times and the only successful ones are the ones that speak with their actions and do what we are all saying for you to do. Right away. File for divorce... tomorrow seriously. God dammit... seriously. Playing the pick me dance is making her lose respect for you. Cowboy up man. Serve her, go after what you are entitled to, and the only thing you should say to her is “what are you going to do to win me back?”

And come on man your a marine... you’ve seen some shit... you really think she’s leaving her husband for a man she hasn’t slept with?

[This message edited by brandnewwhammy at 3:15 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

I'm kind of disappointed all the advice points towards no recourse and very little hope. I'm probably am not an exception to the rule but I have my timeline. None of this advice falls on deaf ears, but GD it's hard. Being a marine and going through this does not even compare for me. If anything I'm starting to feel ashamed to share, but for my own sake I will post an update Thursday. Did she sleep with him? Sure ok I don't rule out this possibility. But were there things I could have done to prevent all this, I think so...anyway talk to you Thursday

I'm kind of disappointed all the advice points towards no recourse and very little hope

I have been involved or read thousands of these situations. Never once have I heard of a girlfriend moving in with her boyfriend and not having sex.

She had one facetime with you, she's *living* with him. On the surface which one does it seems that she's solidifying a commitment with.

We are not here to enjoy giving you bad news. You are living in a very emotional time. It's our job to use our unfortunately-obtained collective wisdom to allow you to see beyond what your understandably-messed up emotions are directing you to do.

No shame, no blame at all for you. You are right, this is damn hard. I rather fight a grizzly bear with a pocket knife than deal with woman that can't be honest.

As sharkman said, we've seen it all before, and we've seen those that are just to blind or stupid to see, or those like you that refuse to give up because you are programmed to win every battle and never give up.

We can all certainly respect that. You are in command now, and you need to pick the battles you can win, and sometimes, just sometimes you need to recognize that its a no-win scenario and you're better off spilling your blood and treasure on someone that respects and appreciates you.

(sorry for the lousy metaphors)

[This message edited by twisted at 3:53 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

I'm kind of disappointed all the advice points towards no recourse and very little hope.

The advice is not pointed toward giving you little hope. It's pointed toward giving the you the best outcome, whether it be R or D.

If you want to R then you need to do things the right way to give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage. Women like a strong and confident man. Playing the "pick me" card and accepting blame makes you appear weak and puts her in control. And with that, her respect and attraction for you diminish even further.

And, if she happens to change her mind and wants to R, she needs to realize she has to earn that second chance; by demonstrating remorse and accepting consequences. To allow her to rug sweep this would put you in a miserable false R and she would be more likely to cheat again. Right now I'm sure she thinks you'll be there as her plan B backup and if she does come back, that there'll be no consequences for her.

Don't be her backup plan. Implement the 180 and move forward with the divorce. Then see what happens. You can always postpone the D.

[This message edited by badmemory at 4:19 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

You are not alone. My wife did similar shit to me. The guy was just a "friend" and I was a controlling husband that didn't want her to have a male friend

After my wife said she didn't love me anymore, I kicked her the fuck out of my house. The FIRST DAY this guy slept over her place. I was naïve, don't be naïve - listen to what everyone is telling you. Your marriage is over, and even if it is salvageable you have YEARS of therapy and trust rebuilding to do. That in itself is a monumental task. I say count your losses and move on. This is the toughest thing you will ever go through, but I promise things will get better and that heartache will go away.

You've been very clear from your first post that you want to save this marriage more than anything. That and the fact that its all so new to you (she's been headed this way for a long time) I understand the decisions you've made. Most of us that are saying RUN! did the same things you are doing... and are trying tell you what we wish we had done, what would have made things easier in the long run.

Anyway you've done some good things. Number one you exposed the affair to your family and her family. I believe this is why she is having second thoughts.

You didn't stay in the house and watch as she went on dates - you left and began the divorce process... at least meeting with a lawyer.

These are huge steps.

Yes, she slept with him but ... at this stage in your "I will fight for my marriage" frame of mind does it really matter? If she came back your answer would be the same.

They waiting until Thursday is a huge red flag. The fact that she's not sure if she wants to Save her marriage or stick with the work guy... bad... that's not remorse, or fighting.. that's hum let me weigh my options a bit more... let me talk to OM and see what he thinks...

What I think happened is that her family, your family, friends... whomever got a hold of her and told her how horrible she was. She got a dose of reality that this isn't just between the two of you... that her family will never accept OM and will think poorly of her. Her maybe to you was to put things on hold. Did she say she still loves you? or was it more about making the wrong decision?

You might get more insite into this by talking to her father again.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up about Thursday. My guess is that she will say she still doesn't know... she needs more time.

If it wasn't her family making her rethink things it might have been a lawyer telling her what she stands to lose financially.

Regardless, my guess is that Thursday's call is going to be a no go... just give me until the end of the week, I'm still not sure...call.

It has feels,

First, thank you for your service to our country. I have been in a very similar situation. My ex cheated on me, and I tried to rugsweep it. Said all the same things you are saying now. It came down to my ego, not wanting to believe that she could pick another guy over ME, and wanting to control the situation. It didn't work out for me, and if you keep this up, it's not going to work for you either.

She is lying. That's it. No one throws away a marriage for nothing. She is cheating on you. Sorry to be tough on you, but I would say there's a 99% chance she has slept with this guy. Why would she do this if she wasn't invested? She's crying because she's confused and she feels guilty for being a POS who destroyed her marriage.

You took vows, same as her. You honored your vows. She did not. She broke your marriage. If you are interested in R, that's awesome. I wish you the best, but it's time to be realistic here. She is out with this other guy and you are alone. She's trying to decide what is the better option at this point.

Right now, you are the old, reliable choice. She's got the new, exciting choice in front of her. Soon that excitement will wear off and she'll have to decide what's best for her. I believe that if you let her decide, she will continue this charade as long as you let her. If you take action, and FORCE her to make a decision, you will see her true colors.

What's the worst case scenario at this point? I'd guess it would be right where you are today. If you say to her "I'm filling for divorce. I will not share you with another man. I would rather be alone than be a cuckold who allows his wife to see other men". She will see that she must make an IMMEDIATE choice. More often than not, they will come back. If she doesn't, your situation doesn't change, other than knowing she wasn't planning on coming back at all. You've saved yourself months of heartache.

Don't give her until Thursday. Have her served. When she freaks out, tell her that you are willing to work this out, but she needs to end her affair and fight for YOU. Women love strength and confidence. They feed on it. Right now, you are showing her none of that. You're playing the "pick me" dance. Nothing will drive her closer to the OM at this point.

Start the 180. Have her served. Show her that you are a strong, confident man who can make it without her, and that other women would jump at the opportunity to be in her shoes. Get a job. Like yesterday. Never go without one again. Never let her see you dependant on her. She should feel as though you are moving on, with or without her. Until then, she's just going to keep you in limbo, and keep screwing the OM.

We're all here for you. You've got to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

I'm kind of disappointed all the advice points towards no recourse and very little hope

No One knows how this will turn out. Could she wake up tomorrow or next week and regret her choices and resolve to change? Of course. Possibility and likelihood really can't be the basis for your behavior right now.

Your instinct is to try to repair and fix. To be understanding. However, those actions fuel the entitlement that she is feeding to engage in the affair and keep you on the hook in case it doesn't work out with the OM.

What most of us DO know is that your continued engagement with your wife is not productive while she is in infidelity. You cannot convince her to do anything and in her cheating state of mind there are reasons to keep you on the hook.

1. To make sure that you are passive. If she keeps talking to you things stay quiet. She can let you down easy and you won't do anything that could rock her boat with work, friends, family.

2. She can say 'she tried'. She can use those conversations as her effort. Uggh.

There is no reason to feel shame even if you continue to engage her. Your heart is catching up with your head and you are going to fall down here and there. There is a learning curve, most people just don't join SI understanding all the sociological aspects to cheating. You are used to believing and relying on your wife. It is hard to not want to find your way back to that place even in the face of evidence.

But make no mistake about this. Her behavior has nothing to do with your effort, your strength, your manliness, your quality as a husband. You didn't cause the problem and you can't fix it alone. Your love and commitment are not enough. She has to want to see what she had done and commit to change. And it is very rare to see a BS 'nice' their spouse out of infidelity. It just doesn't happen.

She has made her choice. Protect yourself. Start moving forward knowing that you deserve a hell of a lot more from your partner in life than a promise of a phone call while she screws another guy- as a test drive for a new life.

You are worthy of a real partner in life. And whether or not she can value you right now, you have to value yourself enough to change your mindset and move forward for yourself. What is one thing you can do today to work toward YOUR future?

She may never come back. She may decide in 2 weeks that you are the love of her life. You have no control over that. But you do have control over your time and effort- put it where it belongs- on you.

[This message edited by redrock at 5:04 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]

What's the worst case scenario at this point? I'd guess it would be right where you are today. If you say to her "I'm filling for divorce. I will not share you with another man. I would rather be alone than be a cuckold who allows his wife to see other men". She will see that she must make an IMMEDIATE choice. More often than not, they will come back. If she doesn't, your situation doesn't change, other than knowing she wasn't planning on coming back at all. You've saved yourself months of heartache.

^^^ Feels, your head is probably spinning right now with all that has happened, but you will never get better advice than this.

Take a bold step and trust what everyone here is telling you. DON'T do the pick me dance and look weak and prolong your pain.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 5:02 PM, October 10th (Tuesday)]