SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Cindy kid....thank you.

Is this helping?

To finally talk with people who understand, absolutely. I've tried to deal with alone for so long

I'm sorry you had to join our club.

HoldfastDad, I'm not going to pat your back and cluck my tongue and encourage you try to win back the cheater who deserted you and your children. I'm much more pragmatic and won't lead you down the garden path. And mostly, I would never encourage anyone to swallow their pride for someone who has treated them and their children like garbage.

Nope, I won't.

You say you're no longer in denial, but it's painfully obvious you still are. You're blinded by love so you're still in denial of who she really is.

We often say here that when someone shows us who they ARE, we need to believe them.

Your wife has shown you exactly who she is - someone who cheated on you and lied to you over and over and over and over ad nauseam, and someone who is so unbelievably selfish that she continually risked her children's familial security because engaging in her selfish little affair TRUMPED her need to be a good mother, a good wife, and a decent human being.

Did she do all that? Yup, she sure did.

And in the end, after lying to you over and over and giving you false hope of rebuilding your marriage month after month after month, this exemplary example of humankind is still living in her own place but taking advantage of everything you keep offering her and showering her with.

the truth is, she's a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a woman, and as a human being.

And I think once you REALLY finally believe who she is (as she's showed you many times) the rose-colored glasses will come off and you won't be so blinded by love that you can't make healthy and respectful decisions for yourself.

I'll be honest, all you've done is indulge her selfishness, condone it, support it, and make excuses for it as though she's a helpless victim of circumstance and you needed to 'guide' her while she made the colossal sized shit sandwich she's continually served you and you've sadly continually eaten. Truth is, we all have parents and grandparents who die and we're devastated about it too. But we don't go running around on our spouses and deserting our children. So you need to stop making excuses for her disgusting CHOICES and more importantly, you need to stop babying her and supporting her while she continues to make selfish, rotten choices and continues to pretend to be Mother of the Year after deserting her own kids. But MOST importantly, you need to stop allowing the continued disrespect she's shoved down your throat for FAR too long.

So big deal, she comes to the house a lot to 'visit' the kids she couldn't STAND being around and eventually deserted. Big deal. She's more like a visiting aunt who gets to go home to her OWN place at night after her duty visit is over and she gets to leave ALL the responsibly of caring for them them in your lap.

And THIS is the woman you're jumping around like a trained seal hoping to 'win' back.

If you want someone capable of the complete shit-storm she CHOSE to rain down on your head and her innocent children's heads all so she could live the single life and screw around with some dirt bag, then you're a brave soul and I must say, a glutton for punishment.

She doesn't deserve reconciliation and vacations and you making constant excuses for her and continually disrespecting yourself and clinging to her like grim death.

Lastly, what has she actually done to show one shred of remorse for her disgusting behavior? What has she done to show one shred of remorse for the pain she's caused you? Here you are all worried that you're 'pushing her away' when you voice your anger and pain to her, as though you're not entitled to feel that way. Apparently, pandering to HER and HER feelings is more important than facing your own pain and finding a way to heal yourself.

You've been so busy catering to this woman that you've completely overlooked your OWN needs. You need to heal YOURSELF before you can make healthy choices for yourself. Right now, you're just doing whatever you can to get her back at all costs.

Stop doing the Pick Me dance and look into healing YOURSELF. You'll be amazed at how TRUE clarity will help you see what you continue to refuse to see.

This post was meant to be realistic. If it was harsh, I'm sorry. But it had to be said.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 9:07 AM, December 21st (Thursday)]

Thank you no mercy for taking the time to write such a realistic and no holds barred post. These are the things I need to hear. So much of what you said hits home, you are right, it is time to look after me first, to heal, and take off my rose coloured glasses.

I'm glad that so many are giving you feedback. I hope you are feeling heard and supported here. And I also know that it's hard to take ALL of the feedback, because sometimes we get more than we bargained for and have to read things we'd rather not have to think about.

I'll just be pragmatic and pick out one piece that struck me:

Anyway we fast forward to today and she still won't entertain the idea of s separation agreement as she believes in 4 months when her lease is up she will be coming home to start the work and reclaim our old relationship.

So, in four months when her lease runs out, are you going to be charging her rent to live in your house?

Does that sound like a ridiculous question? Here's my point: When people are locked into a financial commitment to pay monthly on living quarters, the only reason why they have to actually LIVE there is because they can't afford to pay for another place to live at the same time. When people offer to buy and sell houses, we build in all that language about, "Well, I'll buy your house in 30 days as long as I sell mine, because I can't afford two mortgages".

So, unless you're planning on charging her $ to live with you, and she can't afford that AND her lease payments at the same time, then WHY does she actually have to LIVE in the place she's leasing?

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN YOU ARE ACCEPTING. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WAIT FOUR MONTHS FOR HER TO COME HOME AND "START THE WORK" OF RECONCILIATION.

She can come home NOW and "start", or she can stay in this residence and "start" it. From what I understand, a Separation Agreement is not ONLY a precursor document that ALWAYS leads to a divorce decree. It's an agreement about how the two of you are legally structuring your time apart. If my understanding is correct (someone please correct me if necessary), then I think a SA can be a good tool even (and maybe especially) for couples who both desire a way back to each other.

I hope those with actual experience in the practical matters of living separately through this will chime in. It's not my experience. It was just one thing that caught my eye in your post.

But reading it made my bullshitometer reach the top red line.

Thank you abacus for your post, yes I am overwhelmed with the feedback I'm getting, quite honestly didn't expect it. You bring up some very good points, I honestly don't know how I will handle the situation in 4 months from now, but yes you are right, the R can start right now if she was truly invested in it.

And for the record my bullshitometer has been pegged for awhile, that is what caused me to seek out a group like this, to hear the reality, and to not be alone in it anymore

Man I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in one hell of a state of mind. One of the wises statements I read here is that if you want your marriage to be saved you have to be willing to lose it. She is being blatantly disrespectful to you and your children. I know this is hard to hear but I would file for divorce. She needs to know that you are willing to take that step if she does not end the affair. End it, go no contact with him, if you have his information like if he is married, I will tell his wife everything you know. If you do don't let your wife know you are going to do this at all. She will warn her AP. Have her served divorce papers.

Thanks for the post William, I will take that advice very seriously. I am at a time in my life where I know it's time for action. I've given my all and I have nothing left to give.

Hell, nothing left to give? Been giving to everyone but yourself is what it sounds like.

Welcome. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can't help but ask you though why you think you are doing your kids a favor by staying in this situation? You say she has been a good mother. I would disagree. She has moved out and left them. She is openly dating someone else. Kids know these things. This is modeling some extremely damaging behavior for them. You cannot want them to think that this is healthy, that this is how married people act and how a marriage is supposed to be? At this point, to me, the best thing you can do for your children is to bar her from the house. Tell her that you are moving on. You don't need her to accept a divorce to file for one and at this point I think standing up for yourself would be much healthier for your children than staying like this.

Divorces don't happen immediately so there is time to pull back from that step if she shows remorse and becomes a wife again. Right now you are married but have no wife. She is someone else's wife. Don't accept that.

Holdfast,

Your story resonates with me. And I'm sure with many others. There are a lot of aspects to your story that are identical with mine. You've received some great advice thus far. NoMercy's is the advice you really need to take in.

It will take a while for your heart to catch up with your head. And this is the area the I'm sure every BS goes through. I know I still do. Just be honest with yourself about what you want. Realize that you cannot control your WW. You can only control you. If she wants to join you, great. If she doesn't, you know you are way better off without her. You cannot save this marriage by yourself. And if she's making contingency plans and promises about doing things in a few more weeks or blah blah blah... She is simply biding time for herself until a better option comes along. Plan B. I've been that. Don't settle for less.

Sorry you're here. And Welcome. ((bro hugs))

It's okay to still love her, but you must love yourself first. I've loved many people who've hurt me in the past...loving is good - but not if it's to your detriment.

Something to consider - if you keep waiting until you've had enough abuse, she'll never fix her shit and return to the marriage. If you draw your line and declare your boundaries while you still want to be married - you stand a much better chance of saving the marriage. It's the whole "you have to be willing to risk the marriage to save it." Right now, she'll never choose - because no one is forcing her hand. Then you'll finally say enough and file for D. Thats when she'll work to save the marriage but you'll be long gone emotionally and mentally and no longer want the marriage.

Sorry you're here but glad you're posting!

[This message edited by sassylee at 12:33 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]

It sucks to be stuck in limbo like this.....

Sounds to me like you are following the “Plan A” that is promoted on a different infidelity site.....which is to trying to be loving and supportive of them (also called trying to ‘nice’ them back) and waiting for the A to run its course....

Personally, I think this plan is crap and almost never works....in addition to causing severe trauma to the BH trying to do it.....

On this site, most posters agree that trying to nice the WS back does not work.....only consequences and firm choices to remove yourself from infidelity ASAP seem to work for the most part.....

Meaning in your case, you should file for D and NOT stop the process unless your WW pulls her head out of her ass and ends the A and returns to the M immediately to attempt to fix the tremendous damage she has done.

Now that said....the one part of the other site’s plan that DOES match up with the advice generally offered on SI is to expose the A immediately to both your families, all friends, and especially the POS AP’s BS if there is one.

You have not mentioned any of these things....

Did you expose the A to your families and friends?.....if not, she has probably been telling them all how horrible you have been to justify why she is living at her mom’s......this allows her to secretly continue the A while making you out as the problem.

If you have not exposed....do so immediately.

Also, you have said nothing about the POSOM.....

Is he M himself?......if so, have you informed his BW?

If he is M and you have not told his BW, then he has had months to pursue the A with your WW consequence free....no wonder it hasn’t ended if this is the case.

If there is a BW on his side.....tell her about the A today.

As I said, I don’t think the “Plan A” really works anyway.....but it is guaranteed not to be successful without exposure to put outside pressure on the A to end from family, friends, and most of all an OBS.

If the scumbag is single and the A has been exposed, but still continues (as I said, you have not made this clear in your posts), then your only other option to get out of this horrible limbo is to file for D and do a hard 180 to detach emotionally from your remorseless WW.

I'm overwhelmed with the response and support, I can't thank you all enough for such wise words, I suddenly do not feel so alone in this hell.

As far as the OM, no he is a single douchebag playboy with lots of girls on the go, I've proven that to her.

And the real kick to the balls is he is one of my good friend's son, 15 years her junior.

And yes he is a POS

Pos's are a dime a dozen. Ain't worth your time to think about.

I don’t have much advice for you, but Wow! It’s like reading my own story, my WH’s dad passed away from cancer 5 yrs ago, and since then nothing has been the same, he started back drinking after having quit and we’ll add that and the affairs my life has been hell. We haven’t lived together in over 2 yrs bc like you I’ve done the “pick me dance” it is like an addiction. I know I deserve better, I know he is still seeing AP, but how do you just let someone you’ve been with for 23 years go?

I can’t say much more or I will start to cry, just want you to know you are definitely not alone I get how limbo sucks but at this point it’s all I know. Hugs to you, and your kids are very lucky to have an awesome dad like you, I wish my kids had a real dad instead of someone who just tries to buy their love.

So sorry you are here.

She is trash. As a mom and a wife. As soon as she returns to you after fu**ing the playboy for another 4 months, what have you actually won???

I honestly don't know how you tolerate the current situation. Kudos to @NoMercy for his post. If I could like it twice, I would.

Have you done any IC? You sound like a co-dependent "nice guy".

It is a very unhealthy and unfulfilling way to live your life, BTW.

Hello Holdfastdad,

You are taking the advice given very well. I know it's hard.

It's good to reread posts - they're easier to digest that way.

I agree with all the advice, but I must say, "AMEN!" to NoMercy's post. She is wise. She's BTDT and lived in hell. And she took a lot of time to break it all down for you.

Keep posting, keep reading, take care of YOU. Your WW needs to take the kids for a couple weeks so you can get away.

If someone asked, I apologize, but ... have you spoken with an attorney?

Sending strength...

Lala

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:32 PM, December 21st (Thursday)]