SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Young lady, how are you today?

That perfectly summed up my feelings...8 years out.

I started uncontrollably sobbing at one point reading your thoughts.

I am not sure that doubt goes away. She had a fling. she regrets, she begged me to stay, begged me to repair with her. Said she would do it all to fix it and by god she has...but the feeling it remains.

The why? The how could you do this? How do you treat someone you love this way?

I went through weeks/months without thinking about it. Enjoying our life. Enjoying what we have. She's been faithful and committed, more so than me. But yet the feeling persists.

I am not sure what to do. I think many of us won't be sure what to do.

Thanks for your thoughts.

((sadbuttrying))....I came out of a long hiatus to say I feel every word you said. I could have written this post, except for the "going to the gym" part , though I should get back to that!

I too had more momentum earlier on. Maybe I'm slow to process the stages, but I still feel anger 5 years out. Not a day goes by without the unpleasant memory of it. Even so, I'm sure we will make it if I can. I'm not sure if happily....I find myself working harder at the latter these days.

My husband initially had the same concerns with "what if you can't forgive me?" Early on I thought that was his fear talking. I now believe, cynically perhaps, that he was looking for some kind of guarantee while weighing whether to even put in the effort. He has, but as we've slipped back into normalcy and lost the extra effort, I realize it just doesn't feel like enough for me anymore....our life...this baggage.

I feel that since DDay I've been circling a black hole (or a toilet bowl ) and have given everything I have to escape the pull. I'm also starting to feel that there IS no point on the horizon that if I could just get to it, THEN I can just coast....let my guard down...relax. I'm tired, occasionally bitter, and I don't want to be this person anymore.

After a particularly rough year that includes moving, career change for both, loss of parent, grandparent; and the typical background noise of a child with autism, health issues, and heart-breaking isolation and bullying problems at school; I frequently dream of a better, more care-free life. I love my family, but that fantasy doesn't always include them, especially my husband and his affair....sometimes it just gets as far as getting in the car and driving somewhere...

[This message edited by ChinaDoll73 at 7:14 AM, February 23rd (Friday)]

Everything everyone else said!!!

I think their comments are much more important than mine but I also wanted to zero in on something you said: that you lost a bunch of weight and then started to gain some back.

This is NOT to invalidate your feelings in ANY way because I think they are all reasonable and timely, but I also want to add that there are hormone fluctuations that come with gaining weight that can amplify certain negative feelings. Sometimes in conjunction with difficult times, you might feel more hopeless or discouraged because your brain is shifting into that mode where you do the bare minimum and then berate yourself for not feeling productive.

I don’t know if this works for you but sometimes I just take a day off from everything and indulge. Like, give yourself permission to suck for a day and don’t do anything nice for anyone, read your favourite book ever and eat not at regular mealtimes and don’t clean anything at all. And then the next day, after you are sure you’ve gotten enough sleep, get up and get to work first thing, and accomplish stuff. It’s like a reset. Sometimes when I’m doing things I like to do I don’t enjoy it because I feel guilty. This takes away the guilty feeling that you’re procrastinating because putting things off is part of the program.

It won’t make your marriage suddenly better. But it might give you a boost for a couple of days to help you cement the knowledge that you can like yourself, and feel good about yourself and enjoy time with yourself, and you don’t need his approval or his presence to do that.

I’m too tired to write my thoughts other than I so love this thread! Filled with kindness and wonderful perspectives...

Sweet dreams all - and thank you.