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Hi ninon

When I read your description of how your WH insist on taking your son even when he is crying because he doesn't want to go I got a sense of helplessness. I just dont understand how a loving dad can put his wants before those of his child. That is so foreign to my brain wiring that I just cannot relate, so I cant give any useful guidance there. I would imagine that the child development specialist is the only way to go.

I had a thought about you trying to record some of these incidents, maybe on a phone or VAR, possibly to share with the therapist and possibly to share with your legal advisor for advice on what approach you should take.

On the boding time with your lad, it does not have to be something that requires much money, just something new and fun, like maybe preparing a meal together. Maybe exploring a new part of the neighbour hood. Maybe teaching him some of your favourite childhood games from the pre electronic devices era. My kids find it hilarious what we used to do to keep ourselves entertained in the dark and distant past.

Thank you, Ohforanewme, for your compassion. I don't understand my STBX's stance either (or anything else about him anymore). He needs to honor our son's feelings and work to repair the relationship; forcing him to come to him under duress is a terrible foundation for the connection he now needs to build independent of me and the old family structure. My son returned to me again distraught and suicidal this week. I have refused to comply with the schedule STBX has dictated and am following my son's lead re. how many days he can manage with him. We are seeing the psychologist on Monday...I hope it is a good fit, and that she can both support my son and help my STBX and me come to a child-centered agreement re. scheduling and the wider parenting plan.

I have been using my phone to record my son's meltdowns and have been documenting everything in writing as well. That said, I'm not always prepared to do more than attend to him. I'm going to offer to share the recordings with the psychologist...it will be interesting to see if she listens to them and relays their contents to STBX.

Thank you again.

[This message edited by ninon at 9:33 PM, March 7th (Wednesday)]

Hi ninon

Seeing as it is weekend coming up, I was wondering whether you were going to have your lad for the weekend or if you WH was insisting on having him.

The reason that I thought of it was, quite often after we had told the kids about my decision to D XWW and she moved out, I would wake up in the mornings with one of 2PP on either side of me.

It was mid winter here, and for me it was such a comfort to have those 2 warm little bodies close to me. Made getting out of bed so much harder. We came up with something I think all 3 of us are going to treasure all our lives.

My mom was a teacher, and in our winter school holidays, brother and I would creep into bed with mom and she would read to us, often till almost mid day. Such treasured times for brother and I. She read many different things to us but some of our favourite memories were of her reading Harvey comics to us, Richie Rich, Little Lota, Casper etc. She then wanted to get something that we would enjoy as much, but which would feed the little brains a little more than the Harvey stuff. She went out and bought the whole set of Astrix and Obelix, I would imagine you get those over there.

Well, the Asterix and Obelix set were the one thing that brother and I fought over when the folks passed. We came to sort of a compromise. We split the books between us and promised to share if ever the other wanted to read one that we had.

When the kids and I were going through this early post separation period, on those cold winter weekend mornings, I got down the Asterix and Obelix collection and introduced my kids to them.

Great times, and did not cost me a cent.

I understand that right now, just keeping the cogs of your life moving, must take herculean effort, but if you could come up with something like this with your lad on the weekend mornings when he is with you, you might be able to turn a negative into something quite positive.

Let us know how you and lad are doing and if there are any other aspects that we might be able to help with.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 9:37 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

Ohforanewme,

Thank you for this--it is a beautiful story and a beautiful tradition you created with your children.

STBX did insist on having ds again this weekend (he's had two long weekends in a row), and for more days than ds said he could handle, in light of his up coming trip (10 days--the third in 6 weeks). I insisted that he cut off one day, but am expecting a fight on this next week (perhaps it's already arrived...I haven't checked my email). His leaving is of course, a huge relief to me, but if he were focused on ds and working towards a parenting agreement, he would have made different arrangements.

Thank you so much for the offer of ongoing support. I'm going to create a new thread to ask another question. In some ways it's specific to my having been left for the OP, and I know there's a separate thread for that in another forum, but I really appreciate the people and wisdom here. Thanks again.

[This message edited by ninon at 10:17 AM, March 9th (Friday)]