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Ok, so how do I go about moving into the next step in healing and direct my anger more towards him? He is sorry, but not remorseful (if that makes any sense). He will talk about it if I bring it up but he doesn't bring it up on his own. He's read How to Help Your Spouse Heal at my request but hasn't done anything else to learn more about what he should do. And he still blame shifts. So, I'm angry that he's not remorseful because it would help me to heal faster if he was, but how do you make someone feel remorse? I don't think you can. Does it come on its own over time, though?

I know I need to focus on my WH with my anger and not the OW, but what then? Just be angry and cause arguments? I don't know how to channel anger into something that promotes healing. Please help!

I'll be frank here and say that I do not understand why people say not to hate the OW or to blame her. I certainly do not think one should absolve the spouse who cheated, the sleeze ball OW or OM who makes passes is still horrible whether the spouse accepts the offer or not.

But what about the spouse who did NOT cheat even though a total ho bag made overt passes at him. He's free from "sin" - but she is still a POS. It doesn't take my spouse cheating for me to hate her for trying.

My current non-cheater DH is adorable. He is very friendly but is not a flirt. I can't tell you how many women (and men) tell me upon meeting me how he brags about me, etc. Almost total strangers tell me that he is crazy about me. And he is.

But I've watched women throw themselves at him. It's almost funny as he is backing away. He has not done one thing wrong. But these women are predatory bitches. That type of woman is horrible whether the man accepts or not.

Dear VictimofLies, I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare situation.

You do not owe this woman anything. Yes, people should be able to expect common decency from other people, but sadly that is not always the case. There are some people in this world who will lie, cheat and manipulate you for their own selfish reasons. Fortunately the world is also full of good people. Keep and find the good ones, and kick the rest to the curb. You deserve to be happy and surrounded by loving supportive people.

Her despicable behavior is NO fault of yours: she has simply shown you exactly who she is. You owe her nothing. Forgiveness can come when the time is right, and if you are angry at her, so be it. Know that anger is a normal and healthy reaction to what you are going through. Let your anger take its course, in a way that does not take over you - express it in healthy ways - scream into or punch a pillow, go for a long walk, etc. I believe in time your (possibly misdirected) anger can be redirected at your WH, but for now know it's ok to accept how it's expressing itself as part of what and how you're feeling at this moment.

One question (and forgive me if you already said so in your post) but are you presently in counseling? A good counselor or therapist can help you greatly with processing anger and the questions you have about it. I do agree with you that it would be a good thing to get in touch with your anger for WH and his role in this. If you are already in counseling, do bring this up to your counselor.

I have not read your profile so don't know the details of your situation and not sure how long you've been on this site, but have you looked at the articles in the Healing Library (upper left, yellow box)? If not I highly recommend reading the ones on Boundaries and Implementing the 180 (or re-reading them). These were so helpful to me, and I think highly relevant to your situation.

You are right: You cannot make WH be remorseful. He has to get there himself, and that's why clarifying your boundaries, setting them and then sticking to them as best as you can is vital. This is part of taking care of YOU, which needs to be first and foremost right now.

Please keep posting and asking questions, and know you are not alone in this!

[This message edited by burninghouse at 8:29 PM, April 18th (Wednesday)]

Ok, so how do I go about moving into the next step in healing and direct my anger more towards him?

First, you cannot move to next step in healing with him if "he is sorry, but not remorseful". Yes, to become remorseful takes time, but your WH is nowhere on the road to this.

I know I need to focus on my WH with my anger and not the OW

I think that you should go even further, you need to focus not on OW or your WH, but on yourself. You cannot make him feel remorse, but you can move to the next step in healing on your own. That would mean 180, detaching and, probably, D - depending on how he reacts.

"Just be angry and cause arguments" doesn't work, because that's not real consequence for him. It will just create "reasons" for him to rationalize his blameshifting etc. Real consequence would be when he sees that he's loosing you. And if you don't see real remorse then, then he must loose you, you must be prepared to do that.