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My wife told me she put Peach Schnapps ( this was big 30 years ago)on the OM’s di$k every time she would go down on him. I wish I never heard that. When I would trigger while drinking I would always make some crude comment and ask her if she wanted me to pour her drink on my di$k so she could enjoy it more. Yea, wasn’t helpful for either of us.

"The devil you know vs. the devil you don't". The reality that more details will inevitably create more opportunities for triggers, versus the wanderings of an imagination devoid of information.

For me personally, I want to know the entire devil, down to every detail, even the peach schnapps. I realize it creates triggers, but at least they are based in factual reality. Without the details, my imagination would create its own set of triggers, and they would be way worse because they would be ephemeral shape-shifters, not anchored to any reality and thus free to spring themselves upon me whenever and wherever my imagination feels fit to do so.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:26 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]

In my opinion, only ask the questions you truly can't let go, and don't ask for details you don't want to have visual images of for the rest of your life.

This may have worked well for you - a BW - but many BH's are tortured for years - maybe decades - by the visual images and mind movies regardless of how many details they know. As has been mentioned, a man's imagination is usually much nastier than the truth. WW's often ask "why does my BH want to know the gory details - sex is sex" but that just isn't true for many of us. What she did, how she did it, where she did it....all of these things can be vitally important to a BH trying to salvage his marriage. The bottom line is that the BS is entitled to honest answers to every question they ask.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 1:45 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]

I needed to know everything but then everything I’ve read has broken me that little bit more. If you can manage with the basics that maybe best but if it’s eating away at you then maybe it’s best knowing. My wh gives me the I don’t know, I can’t remember. Which is very likely true.. in fact everyone was so shocked that he could keep it going as long as he did because he really do live on another planet sometimes

You have to answer this question yourself. What you need to know is whatever you want to know. If you want to know something about the affair, and it's something you keep wondering about, then you need to know it and must demand to know.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 8:15 PM, April 21st (Saturday)]