What I have always wanted was a counselor who would look her straight in the face and say "Shame on you for taking advantage of such a generous wife!" Does anyone know of one?
Lol! I so get this!
But I realized something about this feeling recently. This feeling, this desire to be right and appreciated and validated, comes 75% from the WS during reconciliation--you should feel it in the WS's actions--and 25% from yourself, by being awesome to yourself and appreciating the generosity of time, energy, and validation coming back at you from you.
I'll give an example. I have some time off. In the past I would have spent it all on things for my WS, fixing or doing or being awesome for him. I used to clean all day, and when he walked in I would always say, "Do you see how great the house looks?" And he would have to praise me. This time, no. The house is not clean. I have only been working on projects that are important to me. I feel good that they are done, but I received no praise or appreciation. It's no longer his job to validate me. I appreciate myself and make myself happy.
So then his 75%? He has to actually be remorseful, different, changed. He has to behave respectfully instead of giving me this weird praising I would ask for. And THIS is where I am struggling be ause it's usually not there. He should be doing the things his IC instructed him to work on: less drinking, more family finance monitoring and involvement, no secrets, and the biggie--initiate hard subjects. His IC said, "She will not bring them up, so no need to worry she's nagging or always on your case."
My WH started IC in Feb of 2014, and he has never omce started a conversation on a tough subject. Not. One. Time.
That is really all I need to know to make an informed decision--the 75% of validation from my WH's actions is not there. Maybe it will be for you. Validate yourself through your own actions, and look for validation from your WS in her actions. That's ultimately what you want, not a verbal high five from a therapist.
