SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FbtJax I am sorry you had to find yourself here, but know there is a wealth of information here and we have all gone through the wringer if you will. My own situation is very much like yours in that the affair was online and not physical (That we know of).

Do not let anyone diminish the pain you feel it is very real and almost more hurtful than an actual PA (physical affair) because it's not just about contact, but an emotional and mental connection.

My situation has gotten nearly unbearable because I did not follow the guidance provided here. Read up on the 180 and implement it hard if you can. I also suggest you read info in the WS wayward spouse sections specificly info on the 180, The Fog and cheating and brain chemistry, if like my wife, they have been "at it" for awhile it's going to be like breaking a heroine addiction for them.

If you need a guide on what not to do, skim through my thread "Overreacting or emotionally betrayed." This is not easy and there is no quick fix. I wish you the strength and courage to see your way through this to reconciliation (R) I don't like tossing the D (Divorce) word around and much less using it as a tool, but the advice in this about having the WS served and getting 30 days to prove they want to reconcile before the D is a smart play. I doddled in this area and got an extra month of scars on my heart and mind to show for it.

Stay strong and keep in touch I and many Others are in your corner on this and hoping for the very best of outcomes for you. Take care of yourself first and foremost and when doubts come remember you are each 50% responsible in the marriage, but she is 100% responsible for the Affair and the decisions made.

Ftbjax:

It’s good to get info on what she’s been up to and who she chats with online, but don’t become paralyzed by inaction because you feel the need to dig more. You will never know it all. You have received lots of good advice, but specifically please reread the responses from Crushed7, The1stWife, and pureheartkit. Follow thru with the specific actions recommended and you will be in a much better place. Your WW needs to be in IC to address her brokenness. You need to read and implement the 180. I know it is hard and you feel adrift and confused but please move forward. Good luck.

I feel like some of the comments on here downplay a sexting/cyber relationship because those involved didn’t physically touch.

Sexting is a sexual act to completion, with the purpose being sexual gratification with another person. Its much more intimate than porn, which is why people do it.

I just wanted to say that in case you felt like people were downplaying what you have experienced.

Believe me, I'm not treating sexting as anything other than a betrayal on par with her going out and doing the deed in person. Because the EA included pictures, videos, live chats, and phone sex, it's pretty clear that there was a lot of sexual depravity going on behind my back, and when it finally came out, I'm not sure if she was remorseful for the affair, or just upset that she was caught.

She was definitely humiliated that I found all of their pictures, and that I saw the videos she made for him. All of this almost made me physically sick when I came across it. She actually begged me to delete the files from the iPad. I didn't, and have no intention of doing so. What she didn't realize (and I haven't revealed) is that her phone backs up these files to the cloud.

When I harped on the video and pictures being sent to this guy, she said that she had asked him to delete them, and that she believed he had done so. He's a guy. He's not ditching nude photos or provocative videos made for his benefit. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if they pop up on some amateur porn site.

Bear with me now because I'm going to be all over the place to provide some additional context to my current situation. It's going to be a lot.

I've been going through the healing library, and getting myself better versed on the 180. I read the primer, and several other articles. For the time being, I'm trying to just get my ducks in a row. It's been very quiet in our house as I'm not initiating any kind of dialog, and when she asks me questions, she's getting very short answers. She clearly knows better than to push it with me right now, and has said as much.

On Saturdays, we always had a date night. We'd go out to dinner, maybe a movie, hang out with friends. For the first time in years, this past Saturday, I didn't even bother. We're Catholic, and we always go to the vigil Mass on Saturdays. She started going back to Mass with me after I confronted her back in May. Not sure what she was trying to prove there, but whatever. It's a place I can go to find some peace of mind. She went with me to Mass on Saturday, and then I just took her home and dropped her in the driveway and then headed out.

She said she understood why I would do that because it would have been a waste of time for us to go out to dinner and sit in complete silence. Funny, but before I discovered the affair, that's pretty much what the routine was because she was on her phone so much that it cut into our time out. I'd get the "let me finish this game" when I asked her to put the phone down. When I went back through the logs later, she wasn't playing games. She was texting him telling him she couldn't wait to get home so she could lock herself in the bathroom and chat. Clueless me. I was oblivious to what was going on and she was finger banging herself on camera while this guy jerked off on FaceTime. So much for that "bad stomach" she supposedly was dealing with.

I feel like such an idiot for not picking up on this stuff sooner than I did, and even more of one for thinking this was an isolated incident. She spent so much time on her phone that, while it was definitely disappointing to see that there was at least 1 other guy she was stringing along online, it wasn't really a shock. I was heartbroken after finding out about the initial affair that did include all of the cyber nonsense, and that was taken to the next level when I discovered she was continuing a less graphic, but still inappropriate relationship with another guy for months after I had discovered the first one. Five months to be exact.

With the second affair, it was clear that this guy really wanted to take it to another level at least with cybersex. He would drop some ham handed hints repeatedly talking about what he'd like to see her do, and she would usually change the subject, although periodically she would throw him a flirtatious bone. She never sent him the full nudies, or did any videos for his benefit, but she did eventually send him underwear pics after he sent her one of him in his underwear in a state of arousal. Kind of tough to see my wife telling him he had a nice package, but after everything else I'd seen from her to that point, it was almost tame.

I'm preparing to contact an attorney at the beginning of next week. We've got an old family friend who handles divorces. I'm going to reach out to him to get some legal advice. While I would like to save the marriage, I fully understand that I'm going to have to almost give it the chemo treatment to give it any chance to happen. I'm almost going to have to kill it to save it.

I did mention earlier that I had found some very brief text exchanges with a couple of guys down in the central part of the state, which is a couple of hundred miles from here. I'm not sure what these exchanges were about, but they ended almost as quickly as they began, so either she got smart and bought a burner phone, or she stopped them before they went anywhere. I've contemplated going through her car to see if I can find another phone. I had already tried to do a VAR in the car for the first affair, but somehow my timing was so off that I put it in the day after she had her last phone conversation with that guy. For days I kept checking the recorder, and there were no conversations, so I ditched that for the time being.

The guy she was having her cyber fling with was married, but supposedly separated. I did find his estranged BS on FB, and contemplated reaching out to her because I'm fairly certain he was full of shit with the separation talk. The guy is a cop out in California (Riverside County). I haven't reached out to her yet, and based on the fact that it's been 6 months since they've had any contact that I can detect, I'm not sure if it's worth it. The second guy was single, and supposedly had never been married. I couldn't find anything to refute that.

One thing I didn't mention, and something that I'm now questioning myself, is that she had a lot of text exchanges with a guy she works with. It didn't raise any flags initially because she manages a medical facility, and she is constantly texting co-workers and her boss, so it's not unusual for her to have a lot of exchanges on the logs from month to month. But, when I went back through the logs, I started paying attention to any text interaction that went on form more than just a handful of texts. Most of the time that was all it was between her and this guy. However, there were stretches in September and November of last year, and then again in February this year where they had hundreds of texts back and forth from early in the morning until 10 or 11 at night. For some reason, these texts didn't wind up on the iPad, so I don't know what was going on there, but when I approached her about that one, she dismissed it as the usual texting back and forth that she does with all of her co-workers.

For almost 30 years, my wife was a GM in the retail world. She decided almost 4 years ago that she couldn't take being on her feet like that much longer. Her knees were giving her issues as was her back. She was tired of working every holiday and not having time for her family. A friend of hers got her a gig with this medical practice managing one of their surgical facilities. The change was good for her physically, but she was also working with a lot of people who were half her age to thirty somethings. There were a couple of people around her age, but most of them were much younger, and almost exclusively female. She started doing a lot of activities with them through work, and became almost the office mom to a lot of these girls. Then she decided she wanted to get fit because, as I have said before, she was getting ready to turn 50. I guess being around all the young hard bodies inspired her. I think it may have also sparked her to want to have a little more fun since most of these girls are either never married or divorced. There are only a couple who are currently married. This always raised a flag with me even though up until now, I had never thought my wife would ever wander.

Back to this male co-worker of hers she was texting with, I don't know enough about him. I don't know his age or anything about him other than they work for the same company but at different offices. I don't know how much younger he is, or anything like that. What I do know is that there have been spikes in texting that ran all the way through March of this year, and then they stopped completely. It very well could have been innocent back and forth. There were never any phone calls between the two, only text messages. No FaceTime or Skype that I could find. But, based on what has transpired during this same time frame, how am I supposed to know for sure? Especially when she blew it off when I asked her about the text messages. In looking at the logs, there were no multimedia messages sent to this guy from her phone, although he would send them to her periodically. She said he would send her random funny memes or videos he had come across.

I haven't asked for her phone, but that's coming. I'm sure all of the content has been erased, which will no doubt raise more flags because if it's innocent, why delete it? I've got every text I've ever received on my phone for the past 2 years I've had it. I don't delete anything. I fully expect to see a very tidy text message log, and I don't expect to see the text messages from this guy in there.

It really kills me that her indiscretion has caused me to turn into this guy. I was never this guy. I trusted my wife, and never suspected anything until all of this reinvention started last year. Now I'm suspicious of everyone, and I was never that way before. I'm really pissed at her for turning me into this guy.

I love my wife, and I do think she still loves me. I don't think she's quite gotten past the fog, but that's going to happen sooner than she anticipates. She says she wants to reconcile, and I'm putting my list of requirements together for what she will need to do for me to get there. She needs to go for IC, she needs to be tested for STDs, I need full transparency with the phone, computer, and other devices, and I need her to know that this marriage is hanging on by a thread, and that every action she makes at this point is going to help determine the fate of this marriage.

I still haven't told family or any friends about what transpired, and I almost prefer to keep it that way, but I think that's for selfish reasons. I'm humiliated by all of this, and telling anyone will be as embarrassing for me as it would be for her. I know that's not completely rational, and that what people think is unimportant. It's about the support received from those sympathetic to my situation. However, it's still raw for me, and admitting to friends or family that this is happening changes the dynamic in a way that makes it awkward should we decide to reconcile.

Thanks for letting me rant again. Now I'm going back to the healing library for some more reading.

BTW, this site is a phenomenal resource both for the material provided, but also for the advice provided by others who have walked in these shoes. I've learned so much just by reading through here for the past several days.

Fbtjax:

Your update has a lot of positives in it under the circumstances. Most importantly you seem to have your head on straight and a good direction. You described the situation perfectly: the M (what is left of it) is hanging by a thread and she is going to have to do a ton of work to save it. Keep reading. Please don’t let her blame you for any of this or try to sweep it under the rug. She needs to address this directly and meet your needs. Sorry you end up having to be a P.I. on your WW. It sucks, I know.

Good luck.

Sha-Hitty thought coming...

I did mention earlier that I had found some very brief text exchanges with a couple of guys down in the central part of the state, which is a couple of hundred miles from here. I'm not sure what these exchanges were about, but they ended almost as quickly as they began, so either she got smart and bought a burner phone, or she stopped them before they went anywhere.

Or they made their way to meet with her, got what they wanted and ghosted her.... Because no guy has ever done that, especially a dirt bag trying to hook-up with married women!

She seems to have had a lot of inappropriate contact with other men! Don't be surprised if this turns out to be a lot worse than you think!

Get her Google & Facebook histories! It will tell you a lot!

Fbtjax, Something to think about is to ask your lawyer about subpoenaing her text records. I don't know how to do that but some people on this site have successfully done this. It would answer any questions in that regard if you can do it.

For some reason, these texts didn't wind up on the iPad, so I don't know what was going on there

They were probably deleted. I would try to retrieve any texts you see on the log that aren't on the iPad. Good luck.

Hey Fbtjax,

Saw you pop up on another thread. How is your situation going? Have you determined the extent of all of this cheating? Did anything come from getting access to all your WW's devices? You asked about messages not being on the iPad and if the OM had an Android I don't think those texts will replicate to the iPad. They have to be on iMessage to replicate so that is probably why you don't see them there.

We're in a very odd state at the moment.

I think I've found pretty much all I'm going to find regarding these relationships, and I've been able to add at least some context to them so that I'm at least a bit clearer about what went down. I'm pretty confident I don't have even close to the complete picture despite gaining access to the devices. Much of the content was scrubbed which may wind up being a blessing in disguise. What I have found is more than enough.

It's strange because she was very open about things on DD, at least once I found out the full extend of her relationship with OM#2. Then it was full disclosure...except for the part about OM#1 with whom she was communicating with before OM#2 and #3, and continued on with until I found the content of her texts on DD#2. As open as she was after being caught, she managed to avoid mentioning OM#1 until I discovered him later in the process. Then she came clean about that. So, the trickle of information has been a challenge.

Knowing without a doubt that there's more that I still don't know about is causing all sorts of heartburn for me, and it's the main reason that I'm pretty much on the path to at least serving her with papers, hoping that this will either shake loose most of the truth, or it will end this chapter of our lives completely.

She killed the marriage we had with her actions. This I know. I think there's remorse there, but I'm not sure if it's real, or if it's ultimately the fact that she was caught, and then embarrassed/humiliated by the discovery of pictures and videos she and her "friend" had taken for each other. Those images are pretty much burned into the back of my brain. That's a lot of fun any time I briefly let my guard down. The images come rushing back, and that's the end of that.

I've initiated every conversation we've had about her infidelity. Not once has she offered to sit down and talk to me about our marriage, or her extracurricular activities. I really need her to take some initiative here, but so far it's not happening. Everything is in reaction to me, and that just isn't working. I think the only way I'm going to get her to wake up and realize what's at stake here is to serve her with papers and let it sink in.

I’m a firm believer that if she’s not gonna stand on her head to make it right and help you heal after all you found she never will.

I also believe that if you’re waiting for some sign from the heavens that it’s time to file, that’s not going to come either. There is NO right time to do it.

You just have to do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck.

I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage as you once knew it. How does she justify her behavior to you? What is your next step?

Have you considered a deleted text/email recovery app like Dr Fone ?, try that and then serve her with D papers, tell her you have more information about all the people she's been texting and that she's got 5 minutes to come clean and describe her relationships to each one of those and wether she met or was planning to meet any of those OMs, tell her that she will be subject to a polygraph (you may even get a parking lot confession) and that this will be the last and only opportunity for you to have a chance at R (not a guarantee). Keep posting.

Dear Fbtjax,

I believe you are right. Your wife should be served with divorce papers.

From one victim of a serial cheater to another, and given how she’s been (not) addressing things since D Day, I agree it’s time to file. Maybe it will lead to R eventually but my view has always been that serial cheaters are a special breed. I’m with Cincy Kid. I’m sorry for your situation. Best of luck.

She is addicted to feeling desired and all the compliments. Even if you compliment her every minute of the day it is unlikely to be enough. She is constantly on the lookout for other guys who think she is sexy. I am not sure if there is much you are going to be able to do. If you play hardball and threaten to expose her she will resent you. If you ask her to use a basic text/call only phone she will resent you. You should maybe think about seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce.

Btw. If she ever gets to the point where she asks what she can do to save the marriage, it starts with her getting into intensive IC for infidelity. She’s addicted. She needs to fix that.

Fbtjax,

I am posting to check and see how you are doing. Please post if you are so inclined.

So sorry you are here but being here will help.

There’s an article in the healing library called ‘Research on Internet Infidelity’. It’s a very good article.

Cyber sex is sex, make no mistake, they may as well be doing it in the flesh. The intent is there, the emotion, the desire, the passion, the attraction, the excitement is all there. Intimate moments are shared. Moments that should only be shared with a husband or wife or SO. The extreme pain and trauma for the betrayed one is also there just like a physical affair.

The evidence is extremely painful because it’s all there in the form of texts, emails, videos etc. The digital footprint is explicit.

People who have posted here have provided excellent insight and advice.

Take care of yourself, you will get through this.