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Hrt2Hrt2018 ( new member #63113) posted at 5:43 PM on Saturday, July 28th, 2018
Working in a group helps us learn from others. Working on homework helps us focus on what we are learning.
Sometimes just the talking to a party who is held to confidentiality due to the professional relationship is help enough.
Just a thought... :-)
Thissucks5678 ( member #54019) posted at 7:06 PM on Saturday, July 28th, 2018
We started MC within 5 days of DDay. I would be divorced for sure had we not. Our MC has never tried to get us to rug sweep and has focused a ton on my WH’s whys. He also validates the rollercoaster of emotions and PTSD responses that I’ve had. I think I’ve been luckier than most with him though.
DDay: 6/2016
“Every test in our life makes us Bitter or Better. Every problem comes to Break Us or Make Us. The choice is ours whether to be Victim or Victor.” - unknown
Zamboni ( member #65496) posted at 7:20 PM on Saturday, July 28th, 2018
I agree 100%, which is why I stopped going. I understand the idea that you have to own the bad things you contributed to the marriage. But, if you are dealing with a WS, that CANNOT compare to you not being supportive enough if them, or being mean to your mother-in-law, or not giving them enough sex, or whatever things your WS claims led them to cheat. Yes, those things need to be addressed ... BUT the primary reason you are in that counselor’s office is because your spouse decided to lie, betray, and have sex with another person (s).
I attempted MC with my WH, but it was useless. After the first session he said he didn’t want to discuss the A anymore ... the MC seemed ok with this. I sat there pissed off so we got no where. All of the MC in the world wouldn’t have saved my marriage because my WH was still (and still is) actively in an affair.
My money and time is better spent talking to my attorney.
Me: BW
Him: WH Serial Cheater / NPD
Multiple affairs
Almost Divorced
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:56 PM on Sunday, July 29th, 2018
My logic is that marriage counselors are trained to "not pick sides", which isn't really helpful when dealing with infidelity because it's obvious that the wayward spouse did something wrong.
I think they're trained to treat the M as the client. I believe they're supposed to do what they think is best for the M.
My W got us in to see her IC on d-day. I was skeptical, but she was terrific. She addressed my W's cheating immediately, and she addressed it totally as my W's responsibility.
She has never blamed the A on the M. She has said that the A was a result of my W taking on a client who was too difficult for her and handling that poorly, and she works with my W on her self-hate - but our MC has made it clear that nothing mitigates or excuses what she did.
A great C can be a tremendous help. I just don't know how to quickly identify a great MC without doing some work with that C.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:58 AM, July 29th (Sunday)]
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
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