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The odds are that he's lying about not knowing the OW was attending. He has no right to expect you to trust or believe him (he's a known cheater and liar and has no self control).

He can not attend that conference. AND he should have voluntarily taken immediate steps to cancel his plans.

Perhaps he can cancel his attendance at the conference. Tell his boss he has a family crisis (his marriage) ... and they can send a substitute.

I used to work with a guy that always used the excuse his wife suffered from anxiety attacks if he traveled. Seems appropriate in this situation.

Maybe get a note from your doctor or C (without mentioning the affair).

My wife was in a job that required regular travel.

Following discovery she found a way to avoid any and all business-related travel. She made up excuses, lied, rescheduled meetings, whatever it took. And, yes, she was/is a very higher up employee in a major company.

If she had continued to travel or even go to a place of business where the OM was - we'd be divorced.

Your husband finds a way to be home or you file. Period.

Thank you, it's nice to feel that I would not be unreasonable in expecting him not to go. I would find it incredibly stressful if he went so I guess if he chooses to go then I know the choice he is making with regards to our relationship

[This message edited by Pinkypeach at 6:56 PM, August 24th (Friday)]

He needs to quit and get a new job

^^^This.

There is no way I would agree with my WH going on this trip. He could always claim he is sick on the day of travel and not attend.

What is concerning to me is that your WH should be the one to come to you, let you know his AP is attending, and tell you that there is no way he will be attending.

If he decided to attend I would let him know that upon his return he best find another place to live.

I am goin to disagree with “conventional wisdom” and say this: sometimes it is NOT possible for your WS to “get a new job” and while ideal sometimes it is simply not possible. For example in my situation there is a $1400 per MONTH child support obligation that cannot legally be modified for any reason for 6 months (and yes that is the emergency modification statute where it would have to be proven the job was not voluntarily terminated or the assessed amount is still oowed. Period. Yes I know and understand the law). I only say that is it can be very frustrating to have people over and over agin tell you to force your WS to simply get another job when that would be financial suicide or can’t be done for a host of other reasons that aren’t any of our business.

All that being said I don’t disagree with the advice insofar as getting a new job is 100% IDEAL and if he can do that without committing financial suicide for you both then that is what should happen. If that isn’t possible for whatever reason then there is nothing stopping you from demanding that he tell whoever schedules these things about what happened and ask to have her not attend. If there is some policy in place that forbids relations between coworkers then he needs to request she be removed from the trip or if he does not have that power he needs to not go for whatever reason he needs to come up with. I hate the last solution as it is encouraging a liar to again potentially lie so figure out a way for that not to happen. Basically whatever semblance of a trustworthy solution your WS has to come up with to avoid this trip or remove her from it (as taking you is not possible) is the way to go.

Also don’t expect him to like or agree to any of it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:19 AM, August 25th (Saturday)]

What exactly is the question here because the answer is pretty simple.

Can't, won't, don't, will not.

If those are the words used to signify some kind of helplessness or inertia then you can pick one or all and apply as you feel it fits you.

It's pretty simple, there is a saying, sit or get off the pot place an h in the correct spot to complete it.

Your husband cheated. Then he had the balls to continue, and now he's going to a conference where this woman is going to be. That my friend is absolute b*llsh*t and should not stand.

But your problem isn't the other woman, it's your husband and your problem is from here moving out he will continue to do what he likes because at the end of the day you will still be there.

Again, can't quit, cannot not go, you can't go, you cannot divorce, you can't tell him anything, then this all continues.

If he's not putting you and the marriage first then why are you still married to this bloke?

Obvious answer after what he did is that he shouldn't go. Obvious answer should have been he should have quit he job. Obvious answer is with the OW there he definately shouldn't go but he will.

So what are you going to do about it?

Hi, welcome to SI.

On my way out, so quickly....

My husband had an affair with a co-worker. He also traveled a great deal.

Once I found out about the affair, the travel stopped. He traveled, I would pack up his sh*t and leave.

He told his boss he needed to be at home bc of some personal issues. His boss had no problem with it.

He did travel a couple of times, I went with him.

In the meantime, he began searching for a new job. He found one about seven months later.

Understand this, your husband CANNOT work with this woman ever again. No contact is a must. If he wants to save the marriage, he will do bends and flips to make that happened.

He has to find a new job like yesterday. Non-negotiable.

Sending hugs..

I’m so sorry for this heartache. And that you had to grieve through it twice.

He or she needs to leave the job. That’s the only option. To truly end an affair, there cannot be any contact. Change numbers, move, change jobs, quit the gym, etc. I know this will cause stress and hardships but all research shows this is the only option.

When working through the aftermath of an affair, for at least the first year after your husbands focus needs to be on healing you. This means he shouldn’t travel at all, even if she wasn’t going. He needs to be attending to his wife.

PP,

Lot’s of good advice here. You can get out of infidelity with (D)divorce or (R) reconciliation.

If you wish to reconcile, your H has to be absolutely remorseful and go out of his way to make you safe.

To me, it’s not only this business trip, but whether he understands how much he hurt you, and how much he will hurt you by going to this trip. Is this happening? If it was, he would figure out a way to avoid this pain to you.

If this is not happening, you are still in infidelity. Keep on posting and we’ll give you more advice based on what we have already experienced.

I wish you strength, it will get better

Thank you everyone. I have spoken to my husband and explained how I feel. He says he is not going to go on the trip. No travel wouldn't be possible in his current job and he will be away fairly regularly. I am ok with that aspect of travel but not ok with him travelling with his affair partner.

We have started marriage counselling but it seems like a lot of people advise individual counselling as well?

You both need IC. For him to understand why he was unfaithful and to fix this character flaw he has. For you to deal with the fallout and hurt and assess your situation in order to heal and make rational decisions about your future with him. MC can happen down the track or concurrently. But not alone and there are serious issues he needs to address about his broken self.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:07 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

And he needs to get another job to disconnect himself from her and preferably in another industry so they don’t meet up at conferences while travel is still involved.

Work travel is such a temptation for wayward spouses. I would feel uncomfortable if my WW traveled for work. I’d insist she finds a job where she doesn’t have to travel. You need to feel safe and if anything your spouse does makes you feel unsafe you need to address it. You can’t build trust if you feel unsafe.

I don't want to insist he gets another job, there are too many benefits to me and my family that wouldn't exist in another job. I can insist no travel with her, it won't be easy for him to avoid but he would be able to do that.

If over time I can't feel safe and happy with him remaining in the company and travelling I can separate. I have very good support networks and have a good job myself.

The other woman has only been at the company since January and seems to hop jobs every couple of years. With people knowing what she has done including her line manager I am hoping she will leave sooner but I know that's not a real plan!

Her line manager and HR are derelict of their duties. Companies take extramarital affairs or any affairs in the workplace seriously. They should not be working in the same company after what’s transpired. Period. I’m sorry for being blunt here but the fact they work for the same company and industry continues the link they have with each other and the potential for the affair to continue. And it seems you’re more worried about your husband’s work benefits than fixing this marriage. If you’re accustomed to that lifestyle and turn a blind eye to the elephant in the room, you’re telling him that his salary and benefits are far more important to you. You and him need to do whatever possible to create a safe place. And travel for work is a perfect opportunity for anyone to cheat, especially for a wayward spouse, whether current or former. I can tell you many people whom I know who continue to cheat on their spouse because work travel allows them to. I wouldn’t hesitate to say at least a third if not more people who travel for work cheat on their partner. Be vigilant. I may sound alarmist but I think you should heed what people are telling you here because we’ve all been through a lot and our experiences will help you. We want to help you. Take what is beneficial and leave the rest but at least consider what we are telling you. For your sake, if anything. Your husband has proven he’s untrustworthy. He should be doing EVERYTHING in his power to gain your trust again.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:35 PM, August 26th (Sunday)]

I am a senior executive and I can tell you that I have sacked people who have had affairs in the workplace. Zero tolerance. What does the culture of the organisation indicate when the line manager and HR haven’t moved your husband or his lover on? One or both have to go. Usually the most senior person. The situation is untenable.

What's more important to you ? his job or your M ? if he continues to cheat he'll get deeper in the A fog and may eventually leave you for OW or you will divorce him anyway, if R is to be

successful the number one rule is NC FOREVER period. He needs to look for another job (another consequence of his A). Rule of thumb if there's contact the A will continue, can you keep living like this ? I hope not.

Facts:

Your WH is a proven liar and a cheater, he risked his life and yours with a potential STD (don't have unprotected sex with him for at least 6 months after NC is ensured), at this point you need at the very least to contact an attorney to know what divorce would look like, use that attorney to prepare an iron clad Post-nup with an infidelity clause in your favor, if he cheats again, you file for divorce and take him to the cleaners. If your WH refuses to sign it, there's your answer, he plans to keep cheating on you.

You are not responsible for his decision to cheat.

It's too soon for MC because it typically requires both of you to assume responsibility for the state of the marriage (including his cheating)...and encourages forgiveness & rug sweeping.

Although his cheating impacts your marriage it is apersonal behavior issue that he needs to fix himself in IC - before MC with you.

How do you know the affair is actually over?

I imagine they didn't just hook up when they travelled.

HR (I work in HR) are not there to police work place relationships. As long as relationship is not interfering with the company business.

Grown up adults will do what they want.

It's good that he's not going on this trip...but she could be on other trips. How would you know? He could easily lie.

I can check work calendars via husband to see if she is on any of his trips. As for the affair being over I only know what he tells me. We have just got back from 3 weeks abroad so I knew he wasn't meeting up with her at all during that time as we were on the other side of the world. I have full access to his phone now but all this still doesn't give any guarantees

How about a post nup where he agrees to severe financial penalties if he cheats with her (or any other woman).