SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you so very much for the heartfelt condolences and most especially for the honest and painful answers about how deeply infidelity has affected all of us.

The pain of losing my mother is deep. The day after she died, I woke up and the world felt........different. Like something was off-kilter. And, of course, it was. The woman who birthed me, raised me, became my friend in adulthood, was gone. And the world WAS different. But that feeling only lasted for a few days. Then I was only relieved that she had no more pain, no more fears, no more worries. And it became bearable. But I will miss her for the rest of my life.

But the pain of infidelity...... that's a whole different process. Even though I feel like we've R'd, I will never forget the first 3 years after DDay. Betrayal, for me, will always be the worst sin you can commit against another human being.

While I grieve my mother's passing, I can still "touch" the pain that I felt after WH's A. It is still there, it will always be there. It has faded, it has become bearable, and most days life is good.

I watch my sisters struggle with our mother's death and it hurts my to see them go through this grief process for, literally, the first time in their lives. Yes, we've lost people in our lives, but never anyone this close before. But my sisters have never had to feel the pain of infidelity, so they can't understand how "bearable" my pain is about my mother. It's hard for me to be around them right now, because it reminds me of how much I have been through, how "strong" I had to become just to get through the early days after DDay.

Sorry for rambling. Thank you all for listening and for sharing your thoughts with me.

When grieving after DDay, and almost 2 years out there are times I am still hit with a wave of grief, you are grieving the loss of yourself, who you thought you were and the marriage you thought you had.

I never thought my WH would so deeply betray me. I never saw it coming.

Growing up, you realize that your grandparents and parents will probably pass before you do. It is the circle of life. Although it is sad when it happens, and you grieve and miss them, it is not a shock. Personally I am a Christian, and believe in heaven. So there is comfort for me with my beliefs.

When you really think about it, this is shocking. Our spouses did something that hurt us more than the death of a loved one. Just taking that thought all by itself and looking at it really brings home how horrendous this really is. All the sudden need for anti-depressants, crazy reactions, lost jobs, temporary inability to parent all make sense completely. A huge cheer for all of us who managed to get up this morning and keep breathing every morning since DDay.

I told WH this (the infidelity) is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. He didn’t believe me because my father died suddenly when I was in college. But you’re right the betrayal is much worse. I only needed a week off before returning to normal life after my dad passed. I’m three months out from DDay and nowhere near functioning again. Sorry for your loss.

I think this thread is quite telling. The loss of a child is probably the only thing more painful than infidelity. I hope the WS are reading these posts. I’ve never hurt like this.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. Please accept my condolences and know that you are not alone.

In regards to your question, I think every situation is different and there's no wrong or right answer. For me, losing my Dad was worse than any pain I ever felt while married to my ex-serial cheater husband. But, the circumstances in my situation with my ex and my Dad are very different from yours...and that's ok. Everyone grieves differently due to their own circumstances. My marriage was this long drawn out saga that lasted a long time...one affair after another...you get numb eventually. My dad died unexpectedly and from a horrible freak accident...just completely took me by surprise and turned my world upside down. All these circumstances play into how we deal with our grief. Again...there's no wrong or right answer as long as you are allowing yourself to grieve and not trying to ignore it. Hope this helps!!

My father passed three weeks after I found out about my husbands affair. The grief I felt after losing my father paled in comparison to the devastation I experienced because of the affair. I had the comfort of knowing my father’s pain was over, there was no comfort in anything associated with the affair. It has been four years and memories of my dad are wonderful to remember. Memories of Dday still hurt.

The pain of infidelity is a completely different pain and grief than that from the loss of a loved one. My husband's affair started in his own inability to cope with a terminal diagnosis of our child, lasted for ten months and then we lost our child not even a year into the affair ending. They are nothing alike and I can say I have more trauma over the affair than the loss of my child - my head can in a way accept that a sick child can die - it is never ok and my heartbreak is absolutely forever - BUT when something is done TO you by someone you love - and them you reconcile - there is no way to ever wrap your head around that so it just leaves a traumatic mess in its wake. There is a different anger in betrayal - and it was a choice! My child's illness was innocent, no choice involved. The loss from death, that relationship was pure love, but betrayal, where is the love in that? Don't beat yourself up about the grieving of your parent, it is normal when compared to the grieving in a marriage - different things, different traumas.

I lost my mom a few months ago. The grief is hitting me pretty hard, lately. It is, for me, just a different pain. I miss her and I am fearful of life without her. She died from a brutal form of aggressive cancer and it is haunting me. Constant low hum of depression is setting in.

I feel like the person who loves me most, the person who would never destroy me is gone. That crushes me. And now I’m left with someone who, without much thought, DID destroy me.

It has set me back. I am dwelling on his affair again. I am 5 years out (yesterday) and feel on the verge of a mental breakdown.

[This message edited by Hg65 at 8:53 AM, October 10th (Wednesday)]

So sorry for the loss of your mother. Hugs, sleep and hydration are key for you right now. When you are ready, I recommend the book The Art of Losing, Poems of Grief and Healing by Kevin Young. I still revisit it, and only wish there was a section that dealt with this type of loss too. I lived the opposite of you - I was in the midst of grieving the loss of my father when my husband had his affair. I didn't find out for years, only by accident, and I spent the tenth anniversary of my father's death, and my wedding anniversary grieving a loss I'm not sure I can ever understand or resolve.

I agree the pain of betrayal is so much harder that the pain of losing a loved one, because losing our parents is part of the natural order of things. With time, I have learned to honor the memories of my father in the best light, with love and joy and gratitude for the years we had together. But. Having my heart and trust broken by the person I trusted and love most in the world, and trying to rebuild some semblance of normalcy with him to move forward is infinitely harder, and time is not lessening my pain. I am close to panic attacks reading how many years everyone here continues to suffer after infidelity. I don't know if I can hang on like this for years. I journaled my way through my father's loss, and am journaling my way through this, and both are very sad reads. Not sure if they are helping, but it's all I know to do when I am hurting.

I am trying to be patient with myself and my emotions, as this was the best advice I got from a fellow infidelity survivor. But I am very unhappy with my ability to man up, be brave and strong and move forward with dignity. I am not myself, and I'm not sure who I am anymore or who I will become. I just feel broken. I felt broken after my Dad died, but I was able to see progress and heal with time. Not this time. I'm trying to move forward by staying very busy, and with a box of kleenex and a bottle of wine, and researching therapists for IC. MC is not on the table, as my husband will not go. He believes our marriage is good and has been for some time and I just need to let it go, and look forward to our happily ever after, he promises with just me, who he swears he loves more than life itself. Trying not to go crazy or reek of desperation or depression, trying to act happy for my kids, my friends and my husband who is incapable of dealing with any of our emotions or the fallout from his actions. He is sorry, loving and present. I hope that is enough. I hope I don't ruin us in the long run.

I still miss my Dad like crazy, and now spend a lot of time wondering if I had been better at grieving his loss, could I have prevented this one? I know I'm not supposed to blame myself, even my husband said I was blameless in this, it was all him, but still, this is something I think of often.

To those of you grieving the loss of a loved one, hugs to you and please take the most basic care of yourself right now, get all the hugs you can, drink lots of water and try to get enough sleep to function and keep deeper depression away.

My mother died suddenly when I was 30. It was pretty awful, but not as awful as H's affair 12 years later. We somehow reconciled from that affair, or at least I did. Then my H started another A two weeks after my father's death, when I was 58. I felt like I never got to grieve for my sweet dad, and I will always resent H for that, even though we have pretty much reconciled, more sincerely this time.

I think one thing is that you always know that your parents will probably die before you do, but you enter into marriage believing that it will last until "death do you part". The sense of betrayal when that belief is destroyed, without your knowledge or agreement, is profoundly painful.

Nothing about this is easy.