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stolenyears ( member #65758) posted at 9:19 PM on Friday, October 12th, 2018
Good book for marriage and communication, not necessarily about infidelity. We took the test a long time ago after reading the book, but we retook the test about a year into recovery and I was actually stunned to find out that hers had changed to quality time from acts of service.
Learning t speak your partner's love language is a critical part of learning how to effectively communicate. I think the love languages have helped us to reconnect and maybe reacquaint each other after her infidelity blew up what we had before. I think it is very beneficial to know what your partner's love language is, and then putting a plan together to speak in that love language helps get the communication on the right track.
Me: BH
Her: fWW
Married: 30 years, kids 26, 23 and 16
DDay: 5-24-17, multiple APs
Current status: In Recovery
destroyed1 ( member #56901) posted at 12:12 AM on Saturday, October 13th, 2018
5 love languages is a great book.
It's really good for R too. being able to show the betrayed love in the way they need love is invaluable information.
Me - BH 51, 2 kids, married 30 yrs
The things that you want in life are impossible to achieve if your energy is flowing in the opposite direction.
steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 2:26 AM on Saturday, October 13th, 2018
Read it. Liked it. Still refer to it. A good guide to start a marriage with because it's about understanding what your spouse would like. My top 2 love languages (they're tied) are words of affirmation and physical touch. I think her top is acts of service. Until you know your spouse's love language you will probably do for her what would be powerful for you and greatly miss the mark. Acts of service is the bottom one for me. Physical touch is bottom for her. She does acts of service for me and I do physical touch and words of affirmation. We aren't talking each others love language only our own. We're talking foreign languages to each other. We're both frustrated. That was before the book.
[This message edited by steadychevy at 5:38 AM, October 13th (Saturday)]
BH(me)72(now); XWW 64; M 42 yrsDDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW 4 years; "dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, liesSeparated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020
sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 3:39 AM on Saturday, October 13th, 2018
My love language was touch and his is acts of service. My husband has OCD and part of that is aversion to touching. I remember on dday telling my husband that if it weren’t for the children - I’d have gone over a decade starved of touch - and they were now teens and no longer very cuddly. Since then - he makes a conscious effort to touch - hand on mine - offers his arm when we walk, hugs in bed before sleeping.
Last night he asked me if I would make him a sandwich - ugh - I so didn’t want to!!! But a little voice in my head reminded me what this small act would mean to him...so I did it.
And it works the opposite too - he does so many things for me - makes my lunch, carries my things out to the car in the morning, heats it up - makes my smoothie in the morning - all lovely things of course but with the added knowledge that he’s demonstrating his love when he does these things...
My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor
Elle2 ( member #64338) posted at 3:52 PM on Saturday, October 13th, 2018
I'm fairly certain this is what helped salvage our marriage. Once we understood each other's languages it made it easier to understand so many other things. I even understood aspects of my wh A better. I am an effort based love language (acts of service and quality time) so for me.all the effort he put into having and hiding his A was HUGE to me. For him his physical touch and quality time so since it never got physical he didn't think it was that big of a deal (idiot). He now inderstands that physical touch for me is draining and after being with the kids and my patients all day when I get home I'm "touched out". He knows I need a little space to decompress aand then I'm ok. I've
never been a cuddler but now at night since I get what I need from him I'm wanting to cuddle in bed which he will take over some random, half assed hugs from me any day of the week!
It's really helped us understand each other on a totally different level. He assumed me not being touchy was because I wasn't attracted to him which made him very insecure. Now that we have clarity for all of it is been life changing!
Me: BW. WH had multiple EAs. DDay 1 June 25 2018,-DDay2 4/9/2022. I’d had a hunch for a few weeks. Kicked him out and he found a new friend which was the start of EA3. DDay 4 EA 5/7/2024
rebplay ( member #59205) posted at 11:51 PM on Saturday, October 13th, 2018
Read it many years ago and think it’s useful. If you’re ready to rebuild a marriage it can be helpful. I truly think the concepts hold true. If your love languages aren’t met, you feel low/less cared for. If you get your love languages, it can pump you up, you feel good and more loved.
Captain Rogers- I totally understand! My h has known my love languages and he still slacks off. I go for days/weeks without barely a touch. I hate it. Plus the words- our talking has withered. If I sit next to him in the living room, he’s happy. Sometimes I give him a dose of what it feels like to not get his love language and stay in the bedroom watching tv by myself. Drives him crazy cause it’s not meeting his needs.
Taddy ( member #44905) posted at 8:23 PM on Sunday, October 14th, 2018
Apparently we show our spouse love through the Love languages we ourselves want or respond to.i.e You like gifts- you give gifts so on and so forth.
I've always thought it would be easier to realign our brains to recognise and accept the love language your spouse naturally gives.
BW34
Married 9yrs
1st Dday March 2014
2nd Dday July 2018
“Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” *CS Lewis*
psychmom ( member #47498) posted at 8:34 PM on Sunday, October 14th, 2018
This was one of the books my formerly WH and I read as part of our efforts to rebuild our M and find a new way of relating post-infidelity. I have given copies of this book to both of my DDs, and I make the online quiz available to my students when we cover topics where this is relevant. It's not the answer to all problems, of course, but I believe it provides a very solid step toward better understanding why relationships do and do not work out. Any anything that can get a couple talking about their needs and expectations is a pretty good thing, too.
[This message edited by psychmom at 2:35 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]
BS (me); fWH (both 50+; married 20 yr at the time; 2 DD DDay 1- 9/13/2014 (EA)- 3+ yrsDDay 2- 10/24/2014(PA2)-July'14-Sept'14DDay 3- 11/12/2014(PA1)-Oct-Feb '14Reconciled
Poppy704 ( member #62532) posted at 3:52 AM on Monday, October 15th, 2018
My Love Languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time/Physical Touch tied for second. Shocking for Miss Codependency, right? H refused to take the test. At different times I’ve tried rotating through the Love Languages to guess his. It’s an exercise in futility. He will soak up whatever I do but it never seems to “fill him up”, and it never leads to reciprocation, closeness, etc.
ETA: I’ve had huge success applying this to my relationship with my teenage son (#1. Words of Affirmation, #2. Gifts/Acts of Service). We relate very differently, and making the effort to communicate my liove for him the way he “hears” best has helped us tremendously.
[This message edited by Poppy704 at 9:56 PM, October 14th (Sunday)]
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