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She was crying harder this time & told me she wanted to tell me but couldn’t; that it was just too awful & she wanted to die because of how awful she is. Her emotion & words seemed real.

Wellwow

From her history the sex act itself doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal to your wife. If it was “just too awful” she wouldn’t have gone back for seconds. What was “just too awful” was the possibility of facing consequences.

The analogy I use is someone growing up eating pork converting to a religion where it’s a sin. They know that it will mean trouble if they’re caught but they will never, never feel sick at the thought of eating bacon. It’s just not in them. They may feel sorry for letting people down but that’s all they're sorry for because there is nothing wrong with bacon.

She was the love of my life & the only person I was ever seriously intimately emotionally invested in.

Wellwow

This could be true because all the other guys she had sex with were just sex. You might be special but someone doesn’t have to be special to have sex with her.

she seems so sincere this time & adamant as hell nothing will ever ever happen.

Wellwow

I put this in the same castigatory as someone going on a diet and swearing never to have chocolate cake again.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:55 PM, October 20th (Saturday)]

Has Wellnow left the building ?

@buster123, no. I have been diligently reading the replies & am still weighing out what I should do. Still feeling lost. Wife has moved in with her grandma as we separate for a month or so & see how things go. I appreciate everyone’s responses so far, I am still very torn as to if I burn it down and start a new life, or trust that she has matured & try again. This is agonizing & I’m hoping things become more clear, but the responses here have helped.

I alluded a bit in the original post that since I found out of her deception, my mind went to places of thinking of another life. Another woman I pass by occasionally in my life has caught my attention. I have let my wife know that I am seriously torn between two roads & I let her know/have been open about my thoughts/emotions/situation, just not exactly who the woman is, as I feel that may be an unnecessary hurtful detail if I decide not to peruse anything there.

I am wondering, if I were to want to speak with another woman, should I make sure a divorce is finalized, or is it ok to speak to another as long as we are in a mutual separation.

First, you did nothing to deserve this mess. She already destroyed your marriage (burned it down) and your wife (this is not the girl you married). There is no going back.

Your choice is to move forward and start a new life with her - or without her.

Wellwow

Your last question and my opinion-

It really shouldn’t be okay with you to bring a third party into the break up with your wife/marriage. This new woman has no chance - meaning your relationship with her has no chance. If you do this - you have no chance of healing completely and being whole in a new relationship. All the relationship lines will blur. You still have confusing and very real feelings for your wife to work through.

You are on the rebound and hoping to soften the landing of the free fall that your wife has sent your marriage down.

You do not trust... you cannot trust ... you will not be able to trust until you fix what has been broken inside of you - the gaping vulnerability hole left in your heart... it will either widen (possessive and controlling) - disappear with scars (no vulnerability/no one gets in) or it will heal (ready for possibilities). You should consider letting it heal!

This is a YOU problem now (IK you did not ask for it but it’s there) and it will take time and healing for you to NOT bring it into a new relationship or to rebuild the old marriage.

*This is the real work of the BS - I didn’t understand this until recently- but it’s true. I was so angry because what do you mean - “I’ve got to work on myself” - I didn’t do this. That’s all true “I didn’t do this” but being a victim of it broke something inside of me and it was/is my work to fix it and become whole again before I start some never ending cycle within my own life.* that is the true work of a BS and it’s hard work.

My advice would be to heal and recover from the Marriage/divorce/separation before you get involved with someone new ... I know that that’s easier said than done. It is always easier and ,in the moment, seems smarter to go for the soft landing.

(Hugs) - I am sorry that you find yourself here amongst the betrayed. It’s so crazy that it all - everything - hurts and nothing makes sense... just try to keep the best parts of you alive - lose nothing more of yourself to this mess! You are at a crossroads - who are you - not the recently broken you but who is the real wellwow?

I have let my wife know that I am seriously torn between two roads & I let her know/have been open about my thoughts/emotions/situation, just not exactly who the woman is, as I feel that may be an unnecessary hurtful detail if I decide not to peruse anything

Smells like manipulation tactics which never work long term.

Why bring someone else into this mess. You have enough to deal with. Don't add more drama to it.

At a basic level, once you have filed for divorce and you're sure there will never be any hope of recovery for your relationship with your wife it's okay to date. However, you will not be a worthy partner to a new woman until you've put in the work and time to heal, so don't try to start a new relationship too soon. Casual dating only.

@buster123, no. I have been diligently reading the replies & am still weighing out what I should do. Still feeling lost.

I'm glad you're still with us, whatever you decide you want to have the collective wisdom of the people of SI with you, we've seen thousands of cases like yours and you can certainly benefit from the experience of others that have been in your shoes.

A year and a half ago my work life was busy (working around 65 hours per week at that time) … to provide for my family.

Wellwow

I am the acting father of her & her ex’s child & actually adopted the child a month after I was unwittingly cheated on.

I thought things were good between us. In my mind I had a near disaster, it was averted and we were going to build our relationship back up & stronger. In reality she kept talking to the guy for the week leading up to moving & the week of moving.

Wellwow

Let’s review. You’re working 65 hours a week to support her child from a previous relationship.

Was the child’s bio father paying child support? I would bet a great deal of money that he was not.

She has an affair while the adoption process is proceeding. You sign the papers and the affair continues. Does it at least slow her down?

Now if you get a divorce you will have to pay her child support. You did a selfless and wonderful thing for her and her child and it made no difference.

From your wife’s history she has an itch for worthless POS. The problem is that they don’t stick around to pay her bills or be a father to the kids they produce.

One of the lowest things I can think of is cheating on a man that is actively adopting your kid and voluntarily assuming financial responsibility until the kid is 18.

The act of cheating didn’t upset her at all. What freaked her out was the possibility of losing all that you provide. Now she will walk over hot coals to keep those goodies.

You can do better than her.

[This message edited by Michigan at 3:16 PM, October 21st (Sunday)]

I'm in the 'move on with your life' camp WellWow. She's obviously not learned anything through her mistakes before she met you. she also obviously doesn't know a good thing when it's in front of her. She picked a loser and got pregnant with her ex. She's now picked another loser even though she's supposed to be with you. She's not marrying material; the two losers know it. It's time that you realized it. It's seriously messed up that you've adopted her kid. She's got a vacuum attached to your wealth until the kid is 18 or until he/she's finished college, whichever is longer. Sorry about your situation. Take care of yourself.

Wellwow...a bit of advice- you stated that you were torn between whether to reconcile with your wife, then all of a sudden you mention a third party. Now this could possibly be due the fact that you were rejected and your ego demands some other route to affirm your "manhood". Bad idea. Why? I assume that you're not divorced...to bring another female into the picture leaves you open to a he said, she said scenario. Who is at fault?

Before you engage with with another person- if you're still married - think about the consequences to you as a whole. To engage with another- whether divorced or not is one of the most unhealthy things you can do. Here you don't even have any explanation or closure, yet you're thinking of engaging with another woman. That is what your wife did- obviously with a male. Do you want to be like her?

I see people all the time who refuse to take a break from having to be with "someone". People who refused to step back....assess what happened...and did not learn a damn thing. The only thing that mattered was to be with a person. These were/are people who thought/think that to be solitary was akin to death. People who could not bear the thought of being by themselves in order to get healthy.

Suggestion: First determine what you want to do with your marriage. Forget any side stuff until you do so.And "if" either of you want to restore your marriage, do you really think that another woman will help that possibility? Are you any different (even in thought) from your wife? Tit for tat never turns out well. Decide whether you want to reconcile and if not, then for your own sake forget about anyone new until you iron out your own issues. As other people noted, your schedule was not conducive to a good relationship. Not rocket science. If a person is rarely there, how in the hell can you form a "decent" relationship.

And that's where I draw the line. People who have these exorbitant hours should know that it's a possibly volatile issue. Decide.The excuse that you're providing for so and so only hold so much weight.I was a good provider and balanced my work with my spouse. Still wasn't good enough, but there's no question that time apart can eventually ruin some relationships.

Anyway, I know this is not easy, but don't make it more difficult by seeking out someone before you finalize in your mind that it's over AND take the time to introspect exactly what happened.

I wish you well.

If you choose to forgive your wife you should make sure that you KNOW what you are forgiving.

Tell her you need the entire truth and ask her to take a polygraph.

[This message edited by TimSC at 11:41 PM, October 28th (Sunday)]

Wellwow

I have seen immediate revenge turn sour. It is not at this time a considered act. You are doing this for two reasons, and they may be good reasons, but an act of this nature at this time is very ill advised. I know that your male ego is destroyed and you want to prove your manhood by sinking it into new pussy. I get it. Second, you want her to feel as shitty as you do. I get it. I see someone like you every few years. I can give you all sorts of cautionary tales, but right now that anger is burning inside you, ready to lash out at your wife. Consider the ramifications of your actions before acting. You could damage yourself in this. A divorce could turn against you, or you could be made out to be the bad guy in this. I advise patient contemplation as to your next move. Do not allow anger to be your guide. Do an inventory of your wants and needs, and express this to your wife. If she is resistant to anything, let her know that you will no longer entertain the notion of her continuing to be your spouse. One of my clients had a very long and contemplative discussion with his wayward wife. At the end of the conversation, he stated that he felt her responses to his questions lacked a certain enthusiasm for him. She denied, said it was just the fog lifting. He told her that he did not want to wait, and that his life as a single man began in that moment. He had divorce filings with him and handed it to her. She had a mental breakdown, and was virtually catatonic. He called her parents to come and care for her. Within a week, she was blowing up his phone, coming to his workplace unannounced and camping out in front of his new apartment, trying desperately to convince him that she was going to fix this. He used her desperation to his advantage. They did reconcile, and it engendered a complete change in her. She was no longer defiant, and sneaky. She became a wife at that point.