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Hey Cap, care to share the article you were referencing?

Checking with the Mods for the OK on that OD.

Just a note - we didn't ignore red flags. We saw them but figured the person we love wouldn't betray us.

There's an understandable bias toward believing loved ones. It's nothing to be ashamed of, IMO.

Cap, I have followed your story and I just wanted to say I’m sorry you are still in so much pain. We have similar ddays and I’m sorry that nearly two years later, she is still reluctant to fill in the blanks for you. Also, if you have to search and send her articles, what does that say for the “work” she is doing? I’m sorry for you, your kids and your family. I hope you can find peace with whatever route you need to take.

Thanks for the support, Hope. I wasn't actually searching for articles to send to her. It was one that I was reading myself and thought "She needs to read this, it says a lot of things better than I can. I'll send it."

And my thought on the red flags, sisoon, was more along the lines of WSs who were presented with those flags about their behavior before their As started and they chose to ignore them. I saw the flags & turned up my vigilance. I saw text messages that pinged my WTF meter, but not enough to go full investigation. It was probably a week or so of watching that led me to the "Are you having an A?" question that I raised. My wife is the one who said that she didn't see the flags in her own behavior. So, my wondering were really about how many WSs didn't see the flags in their own behaviors/thoughts.

Can't post the link, but if you use the Google machine to find a 4-part article called "Why Couples Fail After an Affair" it should be one of the top choices, OD. Very good sections for both the BS and the WS.

You dont plan a future with someone you cant kiss

Often times if you are planning a future with someone, you have told that person that you love them.

Just some food for thought.

We covered that several months ago, destroyed. She said that she hadn't said it, but that she "was ready to" and had "thought about how and when" to say it. That told me that regardless of whether she was lying or telling the truth about the words coming out of the mouth, it was already in the head & heart.

And my thought on the red flags, sisoon, was more along the lines of WSs who were presented with those flags about their behavior before their As started and they chose to ignore them.

Ah, yes.

My W presented a variation. She didn't think she was having an A; she thought she was saving a life - sex and all the time she was spending with ow was keeping ow from killing herself.

W said it took months for her to see that she was conducting a run-of-the-mill A, not saving a life.

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How are you doing with your grief, CR? Any other feelings surfacing?

As you can guess, I think your sadness is healing, Your posts read like you're really feeling it. IMO, that sucks while it happens, but feeling the grief lets it go. I really hope that's what is happening for you.

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Probably T/J...

To me, though, it looked like 'remorse' or 'contrition'. Why? How did I miss that she was operating from guilt, perhaps more guilt towards ow than towards me?

She was answering questions, and my spidey senses and questioning techniques told me she was telling the truth.

She was meeting my other requirements for R without complaint.

Ow broke NC, and W hung op the phone and told me immediately.

She was accepting confrontations in MC and changing.

Our MC told me W was committed to R in her IC sessions and that she was doing the work she needed to do.

Etc., etc., etc..

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:02 PM, October 22nd (Monday)]

How are you doing with your grief, CR? Any other feelings surfacing?

Not too much other than that sadness. Also in that article (part 4 of it) was encouragement to properly grieve everything. And I really hadn't done that. Yes, there has been grieving along the way, but I spent my time powering through and soldiering on. Gotta do it for the kids, right? Wrong...

So, no bitterness or resentment. No anger covering things. Just that sadness and grief. Some days it's less. Some days it's soul crushing. I don't hide it anymore. If she wants to ask, I answer. For the most part, she can read it in my eyes if she cares to look.