SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will also second what's already been said - You probably are doing what you are able to do at this time, it's a process.

Hi again DestroyedWayward,

Meditation, mindfulness techniques, exercise, journaling, reading -- all of these only seem to help at the time I'm doing them.

The effects of all these efforts are cumulative. Don't give up.

I know the first several times I tried starting a meditation practice, I focused a lot on the outcome of each session. If I had a hard time in a session I would think "I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing!" When I stopped being attached to how a particular session went, but just did the practice every day no matter what, I started seeing very gradual changes to how I handled strong emotions outside the practice as well as within it.

No matter the outcome of your relationship, the work you're doing, the rewiring the brain bit, that needs to happen. For you, for your kids, for everyone you ever have a relationship with the rest of your life. Think of this time as a period of getting mentally healthy rather than working for reconciliation. If you do this work it will improve your life and the lives of people you care about.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

@hikingout - in one of my first posts here, I was told something similar regarding "selfless love". What I took from it was that love is a gift that shouldn't be conditional or come with terms. It was then that I started to face that the love I had, over the years, become less about actions and remained only as a feeling. At that point in time, I felt almost invigorated (maybe not the right word, perhaps, motivated) by confronted with my insufficiencies. For the first couple months, I was so focused on digging through all the areas where I had been less than charitable (that's saying it kindly) and though I couldn't say there are endless character flaws, they are far far deeper than I ever gave notice to. Then closing in on month 3 the shame and self-hate crept in and has been burrowing. It may have been some form of self-protection still. "If I identify my whys and hows as quickly as possible, then I can get to the work of fixing them. That will keep my occupied and focused" I thought. But the opening I created in the digging, it is gaping and now I'm struggling to lay the foundation I need to use what I dug up to rebuild. Now, I'll admit I'm a wreck, I don't know how to steer through this.

You are correct about the HB, and I may have told you before. At first, it helped, though now, like everything else, when in the present, it helps, but afterwards, I am left feeling possibly emptier than before.

As always, I appreciate and thank you sincerely for the time you take it read and respond to almost every one of my posts.

@evolvingsoul - thank you for your encouragement. The fact that your reaction to those exercises and methods were similar to where I am now is encouraging because (as you said) the cumulative effect may be different with more practice. I truly dislike that there is some element of self-pity in my responses especially in this thread. I am losing faith in my strength to persevere and at the same time, I'm angry with myself that I feel this way since I know full well that at this stage, I must be my best me in order to help BS if/when he so chooses. I know this. But I am feeling so low, lower than I've ever felt in my life (as I should). And I know that living in my shame does me no favors on this road.

All of the WS I've read who have really faced challenge of working towards R head-on balls to the wall and who have owned every ounce of remorse, I admire so much. You all and even more so, your BS are so strong. I don't know if I can do it...

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 10:19 PM, October 24th (Wednesday)]

Destroyed,

You are like me in that you are hardest on yourself. Maybe that comes from a place of self-protection, think on that a bit. Anyway, I wanted to respond to this:

All of the WS I've read who have really faced challenge of working towards R head-on balls to the wall and who have owned every ounce of remorse, I admire so much. You all and even more so, your BS are so strong. I don't know if I can do it...

YES. You can do this. I remember being right where you are now. You are an overthinker like me. You are strong and you have it in you. But, you must be patient with yourself and your journey. I know you want to fix this now, yesterday...but really take to heart that it will work out. No matter what.

Do this...think about the worst case scenarios. Think about what you would do in them, how you would take care of what needed to be done, really go through the different paths. Find a way to put a positive outcome with them. You are so scared of what is going to happen that you can't focus on now. The only way I know to remove that fear is for you to get real with it.

Then, come up with a plan on how you are going to start working on yourself. Let us know if you need help. Then read the plan daily and work that day with that in mind.

If you have problems with anxiety, are you on meds? Do you think that's what it's going to take?

@hikingout - Thank you for your kindness and your generosity. That applies to the others in this community for their contributions in anyway. Your advice is sound and I imagine it. A world without BS. Part of the narrative I rewrote was that he didn't love me so it "didn't matter" what I did. I have always pined for BS, I think. There was always a scoreboard between me and "the woman who was meant to be his wife". My insecurities, my issues, my voids, my holes, my fault. I am not in a good place and whatever you all can offer in terms of a plan or help, I'd greatly appreciate

Having time in your hands would maybe be the first thing to address. Sitting and overthinking is not going to help you. To get more confidence you need to donthigs that help you validate yourself. Over the past year I set different goals. I did my first 5k, which to some is no biggie but to me it was a big deal. I am now training for another with a new time in mind. Next year I want to do a 10 and work my way up to a half marathon. I have been taking martial arts. I have set goals for fixing up my home. I have taken different classes outside of my comfort zone- like dancing (I am bad at that) most all of this has been free trials other than the karate. The thing you are looking for is accomplishments. I took time off this week into next to deep clean and declutter my house because the sense of accomplishment and the sense of order it gives me. Also it allows me to focus on being mindful of nothing else but the task at hand.

You might ask yourself what that has to do with anything? Your self esteem is rock bottom. It was bad before but the shame of the affair took it completely out. To gain self esteem you can’t will it. You can’t talk yourself into it- though practicing positive self talk is very important. Read about that. I am working on that specifically right now. You need to find the will to feel you are worth it and that’s a baseline. If you just sit and wallow in your thoughts you aren’t going to get very far. Meditation is something I see you discussing that is a great way over time to recognize patterns that do t serve you. Prayer helps me, if you are inclined or have a religious background. The teachings of any religion would say give it over to God, the universe, or whoever and focus on what you can do and not your worries.

With all that said, I have to clean the fridge out. Go find something g you can work in and focus on it 100 percent. The more you do that the more peace you will be able to create. Your mind is your worst enemy tight now.

@hikingout - thank you for the suggestions and support. Congratulations on your running milestones by the way.

In many ways, I think my heart is my worst enemy. I'm listening to it, not trying to rationalize or subdue it when I'm feeling badly. Finding ways out of the hard stuff. There's no escape now from the terrors I've inflicted. It was a tough ending to a tough week. I really don't know that this can go on.

As I was getting ready for my day, I had a thought that a possible strategy and perhaps a perspective that could be used for letting go of the outcome is to embrace that this may be the new reality. I made BS a sh*tsandwich, it's only right that I offer to eat as much of it on his behalf as possible (if possible). It sounds defeatist and that is not my intention. I think holding onto the hope that BS will happy the way he used to is in some way the hindrance. He is defining (possibly redefining) himself right now. I must help him and I must do the same for myself.

Over the last week, he has acknowledged that I'm doing everything to show him that I love him. He has also made it clear that he is and will make zero effort in this M, that he will offer us/me nothing in that department. I've been reading literature on categories of couples during recovery. Because of ME, if I have made us sufferers, I should at least have the dignity to suffer alongside BS and do my best to move us into another category. I am desperately seeking strength to persevere.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 6:46 AM, October 29th (Monday)]