SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hate to pile on but you must expose the affair to the

OMW.

Hate to pile on but you must expose the affair to the

OMW.

This ^^^^^

Give yourself 90 days to decide to R or D. During that time she should voluntarily agree to IC to fix herself and also read these 2 books:

Not Just Friends by Glass

and

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by MacDonald

(the books will provide some common ground and understanding for a discussion of her affair and help her understand that she is not a victim but rather you are)

So he apologised to me and I told him to go back and treat his wife nice and that as I'm a reasonable guy, as long as he keeps his word and makes no contact,I'm not going to tell his wife, kids, employers and basically I won't burn his life down. He agreed and said he promised we'll never hear from him again. We shall see if he's intelligent enough to abide by it I suppose. But he sounded terrified on the phone).

Doubtfull, he's just glad his wife doesn't know he blew up their marriage. I suspect she's gone through the same thing you have but doesn't know why.

You are putting your trust in a lying cheater?

I've seen this play out too many times. I hope it doesn't bite you later like some I've seen.

Some are affraid if they out the other man he'll be free and the wayward will run to him. If that's all that's holding your marriage together you don't have one anyway.

Good luck, I think you'll need it.

As typical of cheaters, she mey be sanitizing the story. The affair may be much longer than she is referring to. As others said the blame is on her much more than the OM.

[This message edited by goalong at 5:30 PM, October 29th (Monday)]

I'm sorry you got such a raw deal. I understand your anger. I'm retired Army Special Forces so I can imagine the pictures of destruction that went through your mind. Some things I think you should do. First, take 90 to 180 days to decide what you want to do. Second, don't have sex with her for a good while. She'll think you are on the road to R and forgiveness. Third, tell her it's her turn to work on the house and your turn to take trips away. Also, whenever you do work on the house she has to be there with you. If she's not there then there's no work on the house. You didn't generate this s**t storm so you now play by your rules. At your age you are not too old to start over again if it comes to that. My wife told me something that I didn't know but she said was true. Men age better than women. Keep that in mind. I do wish you well.

Remarkably consistent advice you’ve gotten here. I agree with pretty much all of it, starting with informing the OBS ASAP.

For me the mind movies never went away. I tried to live with it but ithe pictures in my mind went on for years and it was never the same. Images of my WW fucking the OM would just pop in and out at odd time for no reason. It was no way to live and personally I wish I hadn’t tried. I’m sorry buddy. We’ve all been there. Hang tough.

Hey Greyman, sorry you've been made a member of the BS club. Like others have said here, you need to inform the OM's wife. Don't talk to your WW about it, just do it. She needs to know that she's married to a cheater so that she can make decisions about her life with informed consent.

As for your WW, do whatever you need. If you need space, kick her out for a while. Take some time to think about what you want to do. How you feel and what you need are the only things that matter right now. Your WW's wants, needs, and feelings are immaterial. If she tries to push you to make decisions or commit to anything, tell her to stuff it. Whatever demands you need to make, make them. Want a full, unabridged timeline of the affair and every scrap of extant physical and digital evidence? Demand it. Want her to submit to a polygraph to test whether her version of events is truthful? Demand it. Want her to out herself to family and friends? Demand it. If she refuses anything you need her to do, then you need to be willing to move forward with D.

Her job right now is to devote her entire being to proving that you are the most important thing in her life and that she will do whatever it takes to demonstrate it. If you want to test her ability and willingness to be proactive in helping you heal and in getting her head screwed on straight, then don't hold her hand. Tell her she needs to figure it out her fucking self.

Oh, and don't let her weasel her way out of even the tiniest shred of responsibility for this. It's all on her. 100% of it. And don't let her forget it.

Let me first say that I can feel your pain and confusion as it mirrored mine several months ago and my heart goes out to you. As I read your post I could see many parallels between our reactions and circumstances. Please don’t get discouraged by all the advice, options and suggestions. They all well meaning, coming from a place of experience concern. They are not an attack I promise and unfortunately some of the suggestions that may seem that way are the most valuable. When I first posted I was overwhelmed by it all and was in denial. It wasn’t until I followed some of the advice I found here, that I began to come to grips with what had really happened.

It takes time and personal effort to overcome the mental picture show. There are a few techniques that can help. I would like to add a suggestion to the many other wonderful ones here. A couple of podcasts that helped me manage though and gain a better understanding of what was going on with me as well as my WH. “The Recovery Room” and “Healing Broken Trust”. I recommend suggesting to your WW to listen to them as well. Maybe you both could discuss them after each one as a way to connect in a healthy way. I did this with my WH. I found that keeping conversation and communication open with him allowed him to see my pain and me to see his empathy in a organic way. Meaning I felt that it didn’t seem forced and thus promoted healing.

Please take care of yourself.

Greyman, you still with us?

So he apologised to me and I told him to go back and treat his wife nice and that as I'm a reasonable guy, as long as he keeps his word and makes no contact,I'm not going to tell his wife, kids, employers and basically I won't burn his life down.

This might not have been the best thing but it is done and by now he has TT'd to his wife that there is some crazy guy out there who thinks he is banging your wife. So in the not unlikely chance that your WW and the OM go underground or continue the affair telling his W will not have much of an impact. And you are now complicit with the OM and your WW im keeping a secret from the OBS...

This might not have been the best thing but it is done and by now he has TT'd to his wife that there is some crazy guy out there who thinks he is banging your wife. So in the not unlikely chance that your WW and the OM go underground or continue the affair telling his W will not have much of an impact.

THIS! This is exactly what happened to me. My WH came to me and told me that his employees crazy husband was accusing him and another employee of fucking his wife. I laughed at how crazy it was because I knew my WH would NEVER cheat and risk losing our family because I have always told him that was the only dealbreaker. I checked my message requests and he had tried contacting me. He also contacted my parents saying he needed to get in touch with me and was getting no response. I believed my WH as I had never met his employee/AP but her life was from what I saw was a shit show so I assumed her husband was crazy. Since he got no response from me because I told my WH I was blocking him and he laughed with me at how insane the accusations were the AP husband contacted HR and had enough proof to make my husband lose his career. The depths of the betrayal were deep and they too had unprotected sex and I unfortunately ended up with 2 incurable STD’s. Please allow the asshole’s wife to be able to protect herself and make an informed decision about her life. I wish every day that my WH’s AP would have been able to reach me. He had to blow my WH’s life to bits to end the A and like your wife’s AP I highly doubt this was his first and unless you tell it won’t be his last. She deserves to know what a piece of shit she’s married to. Even though my WH’s career loss blew up my world and my children’s he chose to throw us under the bus by putting his dick before his wife and kids. I know you are being bombarded with a lot right now and are in trauma but trust me a stranger when I tell you that you are better off trusting strangers on the internet who have walked this path and have wisdom than your wife. She has shown you who she is and what she is capable of so the wife you thought you knew unfortunately does not exist. Get in IC to help the pain and please hydrate and try to sleep even if you need a sleeping aide. This is HELL on earth but you will survive. I’m not a veteran as I’m pretty new but SI saved my life. The wisdom of those here is unbelievable. I’m so glad you found your way here but devastated another life is blown up by a selfish cheater. Since you are quite they will stay in contact (mine went behind my back) You cannot afford to play Mr. Nice Guy, this is your life. You are being thought of. Please check in to let us know you are ok.

as long as he keeps his word and makes no contact,I'm not going to tell his wife, kids, employers and basically I won't burn his life down.

Newly betrayed spouses are usually going to make mistakes. Most of them however, can be corrected. Negotiating with the OM for no contact by offering not to tell his wife is your most glaring one for a number of reasons:

- The best way to assure he doesn't contact your wife again, is by exposing him to his wife, not relying on this POS's promise if you don't.

- It makes you look incredibly weak to both of them. As if you're not confident that your wife will stop contact on her own to save her marriage.

- His wife deserves to know. What would you think of the other wife if she knew and didn't tell you? You'd be livid. I should know because that happened to me.

- Your wife needs the consequence of exposure to test her remorse.

- The POSOM needs the consequence of exposure for making the mistake of choosing your wife to cheat with.

Women respect strong, confident men. Part of being strong and confident is not being afraid to give her all due consequences if she wants a "chance" to save her marriage.

[This message edited by badmemory at 2:55 PM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

Since she's an admitted liar and cheat, ask her to take a polygraph test.

"Proponents will say the polygraph test is about 90 percent accurate. Critics will say it's about 70 percent accurate," said Frank Horvath of the American Polygraph Association.

Polygraph testing does not guaranty accuracy but is just one tool together with the facts plus your judgement to make a decision.

Polygraph testing continues to be used in non-judicial settings: to screen personnel, assess the veracity of suspects and witnesses, and to monitor criminal sex offenders on probation. Polygraph tests are also used by individuals seeking to convince others of their innocence and, in a narrow range of circumstances, by private agencies and corporations.

No amount of pleading, crying or reasoning would get her to fully admit to what she had done. At my wits end, I asked if she would be willing to take a polygraph test. Without hesitation she confirmed that she would. Then the next morning as we got in the car (with tears and sobbing) she broke down and confessed to the entire timeline of the affair.

We are here to assist you. You are not alone.

Please continue to check in and update us. Every sentence from her, book read and/or her reaction helps build our knowledge base on cheaters.

Our strength lies in our community's shared experiences.

There is no say way out. No magic to fix this.

Your wayward wife put you in this predicament but you are the one that will have to deal with it.

Upfront you are in shock. Time will bring clarity.

Many will wallow hoping it will just go away but it won't.

You know what you need to do as a first step.

The only one that can keep you where you are is you.

I actually understand how she became vulnerable to an affair (which doesn't mean I excuse it) because we're building a house and all I do these days is go to work,come back and work on our house till dark then go to bed,and that's been our life for about 18 months now. I'm not excusing her, I just can see how the guy was able to step in.

Apologies for the bluntness, but this is utter horseshit.

The notion of her being “vulnerable” has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

It was not because of something you did or did not do, nor because of anything you said or did not say.

There is no issue, problem, rough-patch, or any “thing” about a marriage that renders an adult, married mother incapable of knowing fundamental right and wrong.

She was not “vulnerable”, she just thought she had rationalized it enough in her mind to justify it to herself.

It is imperative that you sear this into your heart, mind, and soul - it had nothing to do with you.

If you assign any blame to yourself for this then you can be certain that it will happen again.

Be sure she knows that you are NOT accepting ANY blame for HER behavior.

You are NOT responsible for her integrity or dignity - she is responsible for that.

I should probably answer those of you who think I went easy on the guy. Because of my "background" and previous profession, my wife had already warned him that I'd easily take him down and possibly kill him if I want to - I did warn him when I spoke to him that too and I could actually hear he was scared sh**less and he said yes, both he and my WW said that my WW had warned him it was a real possibility - it was at that point he started swearing NC. In reality, he's not worth going to jail for of course.... but He doesn't know that. Despite the drama I had to suppress a smile when I heard the quiver in his voice and frantic apologizing. As for telling his W, I'm not interested as long as he stays NC. I think he's more scared of me killing him than he is his W!

So to answer some of the other questions, my WW confessed to me unprompted and said she could not take the guilt, and that's why she was telling me.

Now I see some folks have said they don't accept the psychology of how an affair can start - well absolutely, a person is not forced to drop their panties, but the classic of one person feeling unloved confiding in another who exploits it is an old, old story which I've seen before myself. But anyway, as I said, that's not excusing the betrayal. I understand how earthquakes kill people - that's doesn't mean I think its good! At this point in time, I'm more concerned about ME anyway, than I am him, as long as he stays scared. I've got full access unknown to her to her phone records, messenger account etc, so I know that so far at least, they've kept their words and theres NC (he lives 3 counties away so its not like they bump into each other). But as I say, right now I'm trying to recover for ME.

[This message edited by Greyman at 4:26 AM, November 4th (Sunday)]

Have you informed his wife?

Informing his wife isn't about revenge or about him being scared shitless.

I also have a background to where i could've truly f@#$d up my wife's AP. He was scared to death of me.

Did that stop them from contacting each other? Only for about a month.

Your wife and this POSOM (Piece if Shit Other Man) have an addiction.

Informing his wife gives you an ally in watching their behavior.

I realize you are trying to take care of yourself. That's fantastic, but what about this man's wife?

She may be carrying an STD that could be fatal. Regardless of that, you are letting this man decide his wife's future without her having a choice in it.

In that way, with your knowledge of the affair, you are enabling them.

I hate that you are here and are going through this, but it doesn't negate the fact that you should always do what's right!

What's the meaning of integrity?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:22 AM, November 4th (Sunday)]