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Jesusismyanchor, I actually started to bring up the option of a lie detector test to him recently saying it’s the only way I will find out the answers to those questions. He would get a bit defensive about it but would say he would do it if he had to. I wouldn’t rule it out in the future if I think I’m getting TT again. There to be an end point. TT can’t go on.

He said when I started on the poly he knew he was done for. He be caught and lose me forever. Maybe it was the “car park confession” Without actually going? Ironically we were in a car driving when the full disclosures come. Trapped in a car together where he couldn’t just leave seemed like a good place to start on my questions again thanks for the much needed replies and hugs.

When our MC put the poly on the table my H acted confident about it. Then came some TT. He acted confident again, but then he started making negative comments about how it wasn’t 100% etc, but he would take it. As it got closer to the time for him to take it I got more parking lot confessions like it was sinking in that he was actually going to take it. I believe it was the only way I got full disclosure which is sad. After that, he was way more positive toward it and he actually took it. He had delayed previous. In the end, the truth hurt but I needed to know it. I know there are mixed feelings and viewpoints on it but I’m glad I pushed the issue personally.

Sadly, I caught my H in some lies this summer and many people think I should have him take another poly but I’m not going to go through that again. I shouldn’t have to.

Long story short is that every situation is very personally and what is right for you may look different. However, you need to be comforbeke thst you have the truth and know what has happened in your M. You need to feel safe. That will be a very individual thing for you. I knew own deep when I had the truth and my spirit could not rest until I felt that peace. Trust that within yourself.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:24 AM, November 26th (Monday)]

Angelvictorious,

I feel your pain, my WH didn’t use condoms either and it’s disgusting. How anyone in this day and age could be so stupid and show so little regard for someone else’s sexual health is mind boggling.

But I wonder if you need to ask yourself why you’re pain shopping. I’m 18 months out. I still have questions but I don’t ask them anymore because they’ll result in me feeling hurt. I’ve accepted that there aren’t going to be any answers that make me feel better.

My WH still lies to me now over small stuff like how many drinks he’s had because he’s frightened of the consequences. It’s not about me and what my reaction will be (which is mostly indifferent these days) - he learnt to hide things growing up and he’s pretty unlikely to change now. Could it be the same for your WH?

[This message edited by Hopefulinbristol at 3:48 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

Mine didn’t use condoms either 👎. So freakin gross...anyway my guess is Angel has experienced TT and there have still been things swirling around that she needs answered because of it. I do think you need to keep asking untk you have the truth period. I do agree pain shipping is hurting and does need to stop at some point in time. I’ve been there and done that. However, shopping for true truth is different to me: I will say TT for almost s year is brutal. I do agree that at some point you know enough and you will never know it all.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 8:42 PM, November 26th (Monday)]

Hopefulinbristol, I haven't looked at it as pain shopping. I guess it could be, but I don't think so. To me pain shopping is more complicated. This isn't, it is needing truth when you know in your heart you don't have it. It helps set the pain free (for me).

I think jesusismyanchor explains it quite well. I had some TT early in my R, the answers I was given never sat well with me even though they were in part truthful. He gave just enough truth for it not be a full lie and that I might accept it. When the gut instincts kicked in I just couldn't push them down and move on. I tried that, I tried to tell myself to think of the worst case scenario and deal with that,but it didn't really work. I had to feel satisfied I had the truth and if he didn't give that to me a poly was my next step and then most likely out the door.

I didn't have any issues with ws lying about things, he never needed to until he decided to cheat. Our relationship before he cheated was very trusting with a lot of freedom to do as he pleased whenever he wanted with the exception of the obvious, keep your penis in your pants and to yourself and our M! It is all very different now and he accepts it and has been consistent. So no I don't think the TT had anything to do with a lifetime of hiding things but more that he was trying to keep me from leaving and he was just disgusted with himself that he cheated (This is his answer to "why" the TT).

Jesusismyanchor "I do agree that at some point you know enough and you will never know it all."

At this point I feel very content (and like I have reached this point) more than I have in the whole time of trying to R with him. Time will tell if I have everything I need from him to move ahead now or if it is too damaged by the TT.

I think you will know when you get to that point of ‘knowing enough’. Once I had the questions resolved that I kept circling around and around I could do that. I got to the point where I could move forward. It was like closing s chapter and turning toward the next one.

Unfortunately my H was a liar for a long time. After all the work to move past the TT and the lies and healing he lied to me again this summer. It has greatly hurt our chances for R because the spinning started again. What don’t I know? What else has he lied about? That doesn’t make sense? It doesn’t add up etc. It has resulted in our present separation. I didn’t even ask for a poly. I don’t know if I even care enough or want that kind of M.

If your H can tell the truth and close that chapter and move forward in truth your R has a chance to succeed. I’m glad he hadn’t had this as a life long pattern. There is hope in truth.

Thanks jesusismyanchor, I’m sorry your H has continued to lie to you. I think if I find myself here with more lies it will finish R off. I am sick of the second guessing and frustrations and hurts that TT or a flat lie causes. There definitely has to be an end point where we say enough.

I really hope we have finally turned a corner. I’m a bit scared because I’ve thought we had before, although not quite as confidently as this time. I have asked myself if there is anything else I need to know and I can’t come up with anything and I am also not going over those questions that plagued me for so long. They would pop in my head at least once a day.

I like your saying “There is hope in truth” Thank you.

After much TT and after it goes in for so long, is it ever possible to believe you are ever going to really get all the truth or be able to believe it if and when you do? My wife lied so much, and about so many different things, I wonder if my nagging doubts will ever go away. And what a stupid thing to do! And cruel. It is so very destructive.

oneinthesame, At this point, for me, Yes.

The reason why is ws hasn't to the best of my knowledge lied on any questions except for the very few that he thought were deal breakers for me and so the way I am seeing it now is that he slowly let the truth out to prevent me blowing up on dday and telling him to go. He shared many terrible details that I asked for on and after dday but when it came to what I'll call the deal breakers, it was TT from him.

I must admit if I had all that information at dday I probably would have at the very least separated from him, but who knows, that is all just assuming what I would have done back then and I always thought cheating in itself was a deal breaker but here I am in R with him.

If you are still having nagging doubts I would say that there is a reason for them. In my case there was and I now have the answers. The answers he has given me can only be true because there is no other answer to be had but a simple "yes". If you feel strongly enough that something doesn't add up keep digging if you have to have the answer like I did.

You are so right, it is a stupid and cruel thing to do to BS and makes such a bigger mess to get through.