SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am aware of all the things he could do. I am mad as hell. I know the marriage we had is over. It is 100% his responsibility to get sober and stay sober. All I can do is tell him the consequences of him not getting help. If I find porn or anything he will use to excite himself he is plainly telling me he no longer wants to be in this marriage period. People asked what he has changed. He gave me passwords to everything. I can pick up his phone at any time. I am really good at discovering what people try to hide. I will not trust his words but his actions.

This sounds exactly my story. No sex but he was on porn sites, live webcams, sex chat rooms, local hook up sites and most recently on dating websites. Over the past year he has begged for forgivness however every few months I find something new.

Found out more just a few days before Christmas. Now we are in limbo with our marriage. He wants to work on it and I want it over.

I'm so sorry your going through this! Hugs

Daisy, thanks for your story and your honesty. Thanks everyone for your comments. I am in a similar situation with my WH and your comments are invaluable. What was written about porn in secret being infidelity makes me feel relieved and validated (as WH tries to convince me that it is “normal” and he does not have a problem). And that he attacks you for the consequences of his behavior - me too. I wish I had advice but it is important to commiserate and not feel alone...if you are like me you probably have nobody you can talk to about it. (Aside from hopefully a counselor - but even then, it feels like talking to someone once a week about it is hardly enough.)

I have been reading the book Love Must Tough by James C Dobson. It seems to be giving me some clarity in what I at least want to say In MC on the 17th.

My H and I are in this weird stage of quietness and I'm trying to just accept that this is our life right now and pull back and evaluate where I want to go. I've mourned I've cried, I've begged and I've pleaded and I realize I do not want the marriage that I had. That marriage is dead to me. I will clearly state in MC that I will file for divorce if he turns to porn or artificial stimulation instead of me. If he does he is telling me clearly he does not love me, he does not respect me and he no longer wishes to be married. I cannot control his behavior. I cannot make him want me. I cannot make him stay. That choice must be his.

[This message edited by Daisy73 at 9:17 PM, January 4th (Friday)]

Porn is deff an addiction. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, because as a wife of a former porn addict, I know the pain. The being tossed aside for a fake woman; being rejected physically...all of it. A marriage counselor will help, but be sure it is someone well versed in dealing with porn addiction. If not, I strongly urge you to seek an additional person to help with the addiction. Truth is, the beginning of your relationship was basically him using the webcam as you being the porn. The odd thing about porn addiction is that the person doesn't actually want the real deal anymore because the reality interrupts the fantasy they are creating while ummm, engaging themselves. Soooo, the addiction needs to be curbed in order to enjoy the real deal again; much the same as we need to quit sugar in order to enjoy a good salad again! Make sense? It isn't you. If there's anything I can stress-it's that it isn't personal; any more than drugs or cigarettes are personal against a spouse. He needs help and so do you. Celebrate Recovery is free, if you don't want to pay for counseling. It's confidential and will address the porn, your hurt and pain, the whole thing. HUGS!