SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If it’s legal in your state Inwould definitely pursue a post-nip agreement if the M is to cont8nue. Also, check out al-anon meetings or info as well. Really, the motivation to change has to come from your WW. She has a multitude of issues. There is really nothing you can do to change her. Is she really digging deep in IC? Is she open and does she approach you to talk about her A? Being embarrassed and self hating needs to morph into a committed effort to change. Good luck.

"my wife is broken. Do I just ignore that? I know I can't "fix" her. But I have to still care about her and support her if we want this to work."

you keep saying things like, "I'm just this way."

how has that worked for you?

consider changing. you don't always have to do things the way you've always done. usually, it takes a 180 by the BS in order for things to move in the direction they want it to.

D-day 3. I'm really sorry and sadly I can relate. I have had 3 d-day's of sorts with my WH (I really don't count TT events as d-days in my case but after a second one whose counting anyway?) and it's absolutely devastating. What nekonamida said is spot on regarding the pain/misery that you must deal with largely on your own.

It's amazing to me that infidelity is the only situation in the world where you can destroy someone emotionally, give them a condition that frequently involves depression, PTSD, etc that takes 2 - 5 years to heal with therapy and it's okay because at least you're not really a bad person who grievously harmed another person. I can't think of a single situation where someone physically beat another person to the point where they had PTSD and required 2 - 5 years to fully heal where it wasn't illegal, deserving of considerable prison time, and widely recognized as a thing that says a lot about the offender's moral compass. Somehow because there's no bruising or damage that you can see, it's much better to abuse your spouse with infidelity than it is to beat them. Doesn't matter that the psychological damage and the pain is basically the same.

I said this same thing to my WH about a month ago and he looked stunned. My exact comment was "I wish you had beaten me instead because I could see it coming and at least attempt to defend myself and you could be doing time." I didn't want to accept that I had/am married to someone who beat the crap out of me. Granted my WH has said that sometimes it's so hard for him to look at me because he can see "wounds from the perpetual knife he stuck in my back" still fresh and it makes him sick to his stomach to know he is the one who continually "stabbed" me with his actions.

I'm staying this not to be negative - but instead to let you know what to expect if you keep repeating the same things - just as I did. You said you are done posting here, and I hope that you don't have to come back and eat crow as I have. The thing is, almost every single one of us on here felt like you did in the beginning...and some for longer than others. Unfortunately for me, the advice given here is spot on:

As a WW this is the only thing that got me off my ass to do the work during my 15+ YEARS of rugsweeping. Something would happen to trigger my BS and most of the time I would be sitting with him when it happened but I would not open my mouth. I would selfishly act like nothing occurred and then days would go by where the sadness and frustration in my husband would boil over and he would stop his daily routine. It was this stop action that put me INTO action.

My WH still does this - sits and stares at me sometimes and doesn't open his mouth...but when that happens I don't allow it for long. He says there are times that I am staring into space and he feels horrible for me and doesn't know what to do. I'll admit I'm a difficult case - sometimes I don't want to be comforted - and sometimes I do. Sometimes I am really pissed off and him interjecting isn't going to help anything..but he's not psychic so I am trying to be better about that. Sometimes I don't want to talk about it and just want a break, etc. The thing is, UNTIL your WW really wants to do what she needs to do FOR YOU, you will find yourself in this cycle of misery that you are in now.

My WH and I are probably not going to make it - multiple d-days have done so much damage to me that I don't think I can go on. That being said, we are now living in a different world that seems to be a lot more honest and a lot more caring and a lot more difficult. I am hoping that sometime in the future if my WH does all the work he needs to for himself and not just for me, that I can gain some respect for him again. It's starting - I can see he wants to be a better person and deal with his issues, but it's a long road and your WW has to really indicate with LONG TERM ACTIONS that she can and will do that. Do not accept anything less - for YOU.

where did I make my wife the victim? Re-read the post.

OK. I reread it. Everything you write about your W paints her as a victim of circumstance, but how about this sentence as a distillation?

She didn’t want to, was too naïve to, or incapably of warding them all off.

She's too naive? She was incapable of warding them off? Consider those concepts. If she's an adult woman and is that naive or if she can't say 'No,' she's a Victim. Or she's an adult woman who made a choice to cheat.

I urge you to read about the Drama Triangle. Karpmandramatriangle.com (citation OKed by mod) is a good place to start.

I posted here for encouragement on a very difficult journey I am going to attempt.

The thing is, your post pretty much says that you won't succeed unless you change your approach.

I agree that your W may be a good person who makes horrible choices. I agree that she can redeem herself. I agree that you can make a great M.

But that requires both of you to change.

Your W didn't cheat because of M problems. MC treats Ms. MC is not your solution.

Your W needs to change her internal justifications for drinking too much and for cheating into internal prohibitions. She needs to change herself from cheater to good partner. That's hard work, and she clearly can't do it on her own. IMO, she needs a good therapist.

You need to change, too. You need to learn to keep yourself out of Drama Triangles in which your W is the Victim, with some Persecutor on the side, and you're the Rescuer, with some Persecutor on the side.

R is possible, if the partners change. R is possible, if the partners step up authentically and put themselves out there, on the line. R is possible, but it requires risking the end of the M.

But ... R is not a reasonable goal at this point.

You need to recover first. You heal you. Your W heals herself. If you do that and both decide you want to stay together, then R becomes a reasonable goal.

But heal yourself first. Don't swallow being betrayed. Process the grief, fear, anger, and shame. Don't stuff them inside your body.

My W was damaged; she's a CSA survivor. During her A I had loved her for 45 years. 45 years of loving her with everything I had, and she took in only a little bit of it.

After fucking up our M, she started to tear herself down and rebuild. I felt the damned feelings and let them go. We both worked to tear the M down and rebuild it - essentially the same ingredients, but different attitudes towards ourselves and towards each other.

We did it. You can, too. The thing is, you need to learn to stay out of Drama Triangles in addition to processing your feelings. Drama Triangles is where co-dependent people live, so I've just used different words to say you need to get yourself out of co-d. I had done enough therapy pre-A, so I didn't have to do that work to recover from being betrayed. I think you do.

I'm not saying your path is easy. It's very difficult. But you can navigate it, and despite the pain, you will be a lot happier if you do the work than if you don't.

So ... IMO you're on a wrong path, Divided. You can find and follow a right path. If you do, you'll get all the encouragement you want.