SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is it possible that she may be pregnant by you and not the other man? I guess I'm confused. Could you clarify please?

His WW did a prenatal DNA test with OM and the test said it was OM's baby. Director thinks the test could be inaccurate and wants another one done at birth.

Stay vigilant, director. You're doing good.

Director, are you still set on divorce even if the child is your's? It sounds like the cheating and lying is a deal breaker for you regardless of who the father may be.

If so talk to a lawyer about in-house separation and if separation is required for a set time prior to finalizing divorce. You may need to make the divorce final before the birth if you can.

Get all the legal advice so you don't get stuck with child support for another man's off spring.

It is not unheard of for a man to get stuck paying for raising an affair baby even if he is proven not to be the biological father.

Director, are you still set on divorce even if the child is your's?

Yes absolutely.

The past 2 weeks we have been respectful to each other and have not argued at all. Last Wednesday she asked for a minute to talk about our living situation and she explained that she wants to move out. My response was that i think its unnecessary at this point and time but if that's what you choose to do then thats fine.

Last night we had another discussion. I had given her the divorce papers myself, and within the info provided to me by the State it directly states that I am able to "hand the forms to your spouse yourself or send the forms to your spouse by regular mail."

She met with lawyer to go over everything i had given her and he told her that i cant give papers to her, has to be from third party. I didn't argue with her and just said I'll look into it more.

Then discussion began on custody; essentially the only thing we don't agree on is physical care. She wants our son to sleep in her future residence 4 weeks a night every week, and doesn't want to implement a 2-2-3 schedule. She basically wants me to be able to come over to her place and spend time with our son there if i want to see him. I explained no, no way, I will fight for joint physical all the way and am not budging from that.

We agreed that is the issue we will have to resolve. The issue that still stems from that however, is that she does want to move out, and when that happens, I will want to immediately implement the 2-2-3 schedule, and she is against that, so her solution is to not move out.

She has also planned a trip to be away with her family for a number of days and has invited me. I really don't think its best for me to go, however i do think the trip would be ok and I would like to be able to experience everything with my son.

I have contacted the lawyer I initially met with, and plan to secure him to represent me moving forward as me seeing my son less than 50% of the time is nothing more than being shi! on again by this person.

She has also planned a trip to be away with her family for a number of days and has invited me. I really don't think its best for me to go, however i do think the trip would be ok and I would like to be able to experience everything with my son.

This will really muck things up with you, your WW, her family and it might confuse your son. It would be better to say that she can have that "vacation" with your son and you do the something similar with your son alone for the same amount of time.

Someday it might be ok but right now if you are set on divorce you really need to focus on detaching. It will give her and her family false hope if you are nice and if you are detached it will anger people.

Last night we had another discussion. I had given her the divorce papers myself, and within the info provided to me by the State it directly states that I am able to "hand the forms to your spouse yourself or send the forms to your spouse by regular mail."

She is already looking to delay things. Not getting into a fight about it seems like the best approach.

Lawyer up and get ready to fight, the trip is probably a last ditch effort to try to convince you to stay and not D her or to soften you about the custody agreement, I would decline it but if you decide on going be very careful, it's not the first time that an "accident" happens during a planned "getaway" and all of a sudden your WW doesn't have to fight for custody anymore, but aside from that, it's better for you to begin detaching from them, keep in mind at the end of the day her parents will be on her side and their next vacation could very well include OM, not that it matters much since if you D she can do whatever she wants but I'm just trying to put some perspective about the situation and possible scenarios, consider the ups and downs before you make the decision to go or not.

The custody dispute is just an attempt to keep you closer. Your son is her only leverage at a chance to reconcile. She wants you to spend time with your son and her other son, as a family. I am sure she would permit you to spend the night. wink wink.

What do you think the OM thinks of her custody request? I will bet the OM is not a fan of you visiting her on a twice a week basis. He knows he will be compared to you and sooner or later he will lose. Let's look at what she will see. A diseased cheating unemployed loser versus a man and father who is demanding custody. Not good. More than likely he is trying to convince her to give up MORE custody of your son so that they can live in LA La land.

Her parents are not stupid. They will do anything to keep you together. If you were her parents, what would be your guidance? They are your sons grandparents. You will always be in their life. I don't see them trying to harm you, when it is in their and their daughters best interest to remove the OM and have YOU as the father to both of their grandchildren. Everyone knows the divorce will happen. She is becoming aware. She wants the possibility of a tommorrow with you. She has been told not to fight you. If the custody goes your way, she will never see you except for handovers. This is playing the long game

Expect more invites from her family. The battle is not about custody of your child. The battle is for YOU.

[This message edited by 66charger at 11:02 AM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

She is already looking to delay things.

I agree with this strongly.

What do you think the OM thinks of her custody request?

OM is completely out of the picture at this point as far as I know.

They can clearly see the future and will do anything to keep their daughter in a loving stable environment.

Absolutely and do know that her mom feels resentment towards me; she believes that i am not sticking around 'for better or worse' and that me divorcing is what caused our marriage to end and that by doing so i am negatively effecting our son.

My response to that was ww knew if she ever cheated I would not accept it, and would most likely divorce, knew this before we married. My opinion is that by her cheating she wanted marriage to end, and by doing so she caused the divorce.

I should also state that there is a wedding coming up that we were supposed to be hosts at. Wedding is for one of her childhood friends that i have become close with as well. In a discussion about whether or not we go i made the comment that its possible its not best for me to go because i really don't want to be asked how things are going because a lot of our college friends will be there that don't know yet; her reaction was that you should just not say anything and if you do just say that we aren't doing well, which irritated me because that gets back to the beginning as explained in the first thread about how she didn't want to cause 'ripples' and essentially is me protecting her form having a bad reputation.

Director,

I would go to the wedding and tell the truth if asked. There is nothing wrong with the truth.

I wonder what your mother in-law would say if you asked her how she would counsel her son (or grandson) if her daughter in-law engaged in a year long sexual affair that resulted in a child fathered by her daughter in-law's lover? If she's being truthful (huge if) it would offer her a perspective that would lead to some form of balanced thinking. Until your mother in-law can see her son in you, she cannot come close to being rational.

She has also planned a trip to be away with her family for a number of days and has invited me. I really don't think its best for me to go, however i do think the trip would be ok and I would like to be able to experience everything with my son.

^^^IMO, bad idea. It's like you are playing house. Your wife cheated, is carrying another man's child, I think you should plan your own time with your son.

Your wife is a master manipulator. Why would you even consider spending time with her?

Going to a wedding? With your wife carrying another man's child? Director, you are posting in the divorce forum, you need to detach, detach, detach, if nothing else for your own mental health. This is not a game, this is your life. Please be wise about ANY interaction with her.

I should also state that there is a wedding coming up that we were supposed to be hosts at.

Here's the thing. Your WW is will be very pregnant at the wedding. Her plan is for you two to pretend to be a "happy couple" during the wedding knowing that you are in the process of divorce. These same friends are going to see you as the man that divorced his pregnant wife and ..."they seemed so happy during the wedding." The obvious unspoken conclusion in their minds when they find out you are getting a divorced is that YOU had the affair.

Id either go to the wedding but make it clear that you will not be lying to anyone or pretending to be happily married. Or not go to the wedding (if they are mostly her friends). You are still trying to be the nice, understanding guy. I understand why you would want things to play nice during the divorce process... just be careful not to playhouse during the divorce process.

Here's the thing. Your WW is will be very pregnant at the wedding. Her plan is for you two to pretend to be a "happy couple" during the wedding knowing that you are in the process of divorce.

Freeme makes a great point. Ask her and/or mother in-law how do they expect you to be happy and proud as a groom, standing next to a bride carrying a baby that isn't yours? If you decide to ask (in all honesty, it's not important or relevant in the bigger scheme of things) be completely silent and watch how they attempt to squirm from the reality of this horrific scene.

No to the Vacation. Why insist on continuing to play house? Find something for you and your son to do on your own. You'll want to show that to the court during the D proceedings if you're fighting for half custody that you spend half your time and as a capable father doing things like vacation with him on your own.

The other thing is what are you suppose to do about the sleeping arrangement? You gonna sleep in the same room and same bed as the WW, whats your son going to think? It is best to detach, and to get that process started. Your Mother In Law blames you for the fail marriage even though it was her daughter that was sleeping around.... is that someone you want to hang out with? Spending a weeks time with two jilted women doesn't seem like much fun to me.

As for the Wedding, if you go, you'd have to tell them the truth. The WW got knocked up by another man. Damn, that's a hard pill to swallow. There would be a ton of gossip and whispers, even though you aren't the cause of this, but why put yourself in that position. Instead, I would write a email/letter to your close friends, and just let them know your reason for not attending, and you want to respect them and your ex B/C they are her close college friends.

You could go to the wedding. You'd need a transfusion of ice in your veins to pull it off.

Say you're there to support the happy couple and wouldn't miss it for the world as they're so important to you - the kind of people who would crawl through broken glass to help you; the kind of people you value as friends

When people see your STBXW and invariably mention how happy you must be, let everyone know calmly and politely that the woman who is accompanying you, even though you are married, decided to try sleeping around behind your back and consequently got knocked up. You're doing everything you can to make her "Not my monkey - not my circus" any more. Even something simple like "As soon as she shared with me that I'm not the father, I decided to start the divorce process. I continue to wish her every happiness in her life" Even tone, no emotion, like you're selling a car that started to leak oil. Then immediately on to a new subject.

No hate. No snark. No recriminations. Just strength and truth.

If you toast the newlyweds, it can be an uplifting tale of the first water about the importance of faithfulness and trust in a life partner! You'll have to be very strong to deliver it with no - absolutely not the slightest - trace of irony.

Always build up everyone you talk about. I do. I always speak of people in only the highest terms. Not smarmy or false, just positive. Some people, like your STBXwife, are people I just have nothing to say about.

Keep your VAR on. Cool strong detachment may set either your STBX or STBXMIL off. Just stay cool.

Or, on second thought, don't go.

[This message edited by ARock at 3:29 PM, February 20th (Wednesday)]

First thing first, director, you need to have a temporary custody order in place...like now. Preferably one that mimics the 2-2-3 schedule that you desire. One of the several attorneys I consulted with in my D pointed out how at time the custody arrangement in that period of separation can set a precedence for what the final custody decision will be. For a simplified example, the judge asking your son, or the social worker that interviewed your son, how he handled arrangements during separation period and the answer being "just fine", and then the judge not seeing any reason to deviate from what's already in place. Hence, your STBXW would LOVE to have it her way during separation where she keep him full time at her place while you come and visit. You need to get on the ball with this ASAP.

Second, I agree with you in not going to that wedding for the reasons you stated. You should not be put in that position to be "guilted" for choosing to D or cover for her affair or explain why she has that pregnant glow about her. You will likely be lectured by the well intentioned but inexperienced in infidelity folks regarding forgiveness and how the marriage can improve from her "mistake". They will have no idea of the levels of cruelty your STBXW put you through. Make her explain, or lie to their faces. If the bride is as close a friend to you as you say, she will call you at some point after the wedding to hear your story. If you want to buy her a powerful wedding gift, send her two books - "The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. Those two will help affair proof her own marriage.

AS for the vacation, you should make your own time away with him. As annb reminded you, this is a divorce process now. You should separate your time with your son from her time with your son. As pointed out above, start setting precedence to what benefits YOU and YOUR son, not what she thinks is best for her and only her.

Never hide infidelity. Never allow a WW/WH to make you part of their conspiracy to hide their evil.

Sunshine is the best disinfection for lies. Let the truth out and it will do what is right.

A polite, respectful phone call along the lines of

"I just wanted to call to say congratulations on your wedding. I value our friendship but I won't be able to attend and I didn't want you to think I didn't care or was intentionally not coming. My wife had an A and is pregnant with another man's baby and I didn't want to cast a shadow over your happy day. You guys are the best and I hope all good things for you as a couple. Best of luck with your wedding and marriage."

That's it...simple, to the point, not emotional...and emphasize that you value the friendship and want to avoid drama on their special day.

I want to co-sign that excellent suggestion that unbroken gave above..

If you cover for her, later it will be told about how you just left her, making you look like a low down type of man. Honesty is best in this situation. Don’t allow her family to make it seem like You’re bashing her. You are just telling the truth which is a very ugly truth.

Make no mistake about it, what she’s done is a very low down. This was no drunken ONS. She carried on an over year long affair that included catching a STD, getting pregnant By her boyfriend, not to mention cutting you off sexually. No this is not something you cover up.

her reaction was that you should just not say anything and if you do just say that we aren't doing well,

This is you taking half the blame.

These same friends are going to see you as the man that divorced his pregnant wife and ..."they seemed so happy during the wedding." The obvious unspoken conclusion in their minds when they find out you are getting a divorced is that YOU had the affair.

Combine it with this and what your stbxw might tell them and it's setting you up as the villain. Remember a lie can make its way around the world before the truth even gets its boots on.

You are already being set up in a way. Your in-laws talked about "mutual verbal abuse". They're slowly downplaying their daughter's actions and behavior while casting yours in a negative light.

She is now the adverse party in litigation with you. Do not allow yourself to be put in situations that can be used against you. With custody at issue, you need to play it safe. As it gets closer the gloves tend to come off

Tell the people at the wedding the truth. Do not allow people to think you are deserting you six month pregnant wife. She made this mess, not yours to clean.