SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Now I have been researching and reading relationship and psychology books and I think this woman is a true psychopath or at least a narcissist who just used me and never really did love me. Because she has been able to flip a switch and move on to someone else and not care about the loss of me or the loss of our relationship or future or anything.

First, I want to say I am sorry you are in this mess. I agree with what others have commented on about how you should proceed.

However, before you start labeling her as a psychopath or narcissist I would give pause and do some self-reflection. She cheated on you twice; you cheated on your wife twice. You moved on fairly quickly (you were still married), she moved on. Lot of flip switching. So what makes you different than her? I don't think you're a psychopath or anything, but I would ask myself that. Remember, when you point the finger at someone else, you have three pointing back at you.

She's not your problem anymore. In the interest in healing, growth, and change, I would focus on you and figuring out why you were attracted to her and went back after she cheated on you the first time. We can only change ourselves after all.

I wish you peace and healing.

>>>>I have a hunch I know what you guys are going to say.<<<<

If you had a hunch that you would be diagnosed as a "codependent" within a few hours, you were right.

Good lord. Do you have any idea what a committed relationship might look/feel like? I can understand why your rational mind is telling you to run for the hills. Why your rational mind isn't telling you to spend considerable time (years?) as a bachelor before you ever consider getting into another relationship I cannot imagine. How many years of therapy, meditation, soul searching will it take to understand what has been happening to you? What will have to happen before you have something substantial to offer a good, decent, loyal, honest, honorable partner?

Your latest fling reminds me of the woman who was asked why she thought she had had eight husbands. She responded somewhat defensively "Well! One of them died!"

Thank you for the replies so far. I invite and ask for all the help I can get. So thank you in advance most sincerely.

I am aware of my co-dependency very much. I am in independent counseling for it now and I am reading No More Mr Nice Guy and Co-Dependent No More and other things. It is definitely needed and the journey I am on right now is to learn more about myself and be alone for awhile.

Some other tidbits that might help answer these questions is that my mother cheated on my father when I was little and left him and then came back some years later only to cheat and leave again. That was a very traumatizing experience for me at 8 years old although I did not know it would have such long-lasting effects at the time. I did not have any kind of real relationship with my mother for 30 years and still really don't to this day.

My father raised me and he kept saying if only he would have done this or that better or if only he would have been a better husband or father...

My therapist says I have PTSD from this point forward and I have been seeking the approval and acceptance and love of the opposite sex as a means to reconcile my mom leaving and abandoning me. If your own mother doesn't love you then who will? It makes you feel like you are not worthy of love or that something is wrong with you for your whole entire life. This has been my struggle.

So I have gravitated to the pick me dance because my dad said if only he would have been better or done better. He passed away and I guess I have been trying to make him proud by working hard to do all I can to be better. But as this forum has consistently pointed out, the pick me dance does not work.

It is hard for a co-dependent not to associate their self-worth with the approval and acceptance and love of another. That is something I am most definitely working on right now.

Only you can change you. And you can only change the things you acknowledge. So I am so glad to hear you are in IC and have been developing these insights. Give yourself some time.

Meanwhile, do two things:

1) absolutely have no contact whatsoever with the vampire gf. She actually IS rabid and you have to avoid all contact to avoid infection.

2) volunteer somewhere on the weekends or in the evenings to help you feel valuable and important to others. Do you have a hobby or skill you can teach seniors in assisted living? Maybe even just a sonorous reading voice for reading aloud?

Just get out in the world and interact in a non-romantic but caring way with other people who can see you for the good human being that you are!

[This message edited by Odonna at 3:24 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

@LightningCrashes, sending hugs to the abandoned 8 y.o. boy. (((((LC)))))) and sending hugs to the traumatized man that you are today ((((LC)))). It isn't your fault that you have PTSD. You know it and you are facing it. That is showing some strength, friend. I am sure your dear father would be so proud of you! He did the best that he could with the knowledge he had. You have more knowledge so you will do better.

"Are there any honest and loyal women out there"?

Yet you yourself were not "honest" and "loyal".

That you even got involved with a woman who's been married not once, not twice, not three times, not four times, but FIVE times tells me that you need to get yourself into counseling and stay out of relationships until you get your head straight.

Be selfish and work on you.

I wish you well and sorry you're in pain. That said use that pain to your advantage and again work on you.

A little more information about my life, not for defense, but for explanation and for you guys to understand my circumstances better so that I may receive the best advice here.

I was raised on a very rural farm out in the middle of nowhere. I was also raised in a strict conservative religion. This provides the backdrop of my childhood. No real social interaction other than farm life and church life and very small town life. Everyone knows everyone and most people are related. My grandmother shot my grandfather because he was molesting my mother. My grandfather did not die. He went to prison for 3 years. When he got out, my grandmother took him back. My mom was exposed again to dealing with her attacker. She probably felt like her mother chose her father over her, so perhaps she felt abandoned by her own mother much the same as I have felt abandoned by mine.

Anyway, this is where my father came to the rescue by marrying my mother when she was 16 to get her out of that household environment. But neither my father or mother were equipped to be married or be parents. In our area people do not go to counseling and education is not highly valued so you just deal with your problems and emotions internally and go to work. There is always plenty of work to be done on a farm.

Three of my mother's brothers, my uncles, have since committed suicide as adult men. The theory is that perhaps they could not live with knowing that they did not protect my mother from being molested by their father.

I married young and had a 25 year marriage. My wife was from a different area but she was abandoned by her father and then molested by her step-father in her teens. I guess I was basically following in the footsteps of my father by trying to rescue her from a similar situation that my dad tried to rescue my mom from.

Since I was still dealing with the abandonment issues I had from my mother leaving me, which has evidently made me codependent, I did not allow my marriage to be everything that it could have been for me or for my wife. Instead I focused too much on work and making money. As I have mentioned before in the course of those 25 years together I had a 3 week emotional affair with a friend and I had oral sex one time with a coworker. I immediately confessed those things to my wife. Out of all the things I am and have done in my life, I feel like I will never ever be able to forgive myself for those two egregious failings on my part, ever. They haunt me to this day. Those terrible actions on my part have hurt me more than anything anyone else has ever done to me. I have to live with what I have done. And I have hurt myself by it.

All of these experiences and more have shaped who I am today. I obviously have a lot to work on and have at times been suicidal.

My wife ultimately ended up having an affair for about 6 months until I discovered it and another 2 months of trickle truth until she left for good to be with him. They have a home together now, although she says she can take him or leave him. Being without her has been difficult. Feeling like I am completely to blame for her leaving is devastating.

So almost immediately a friend of mine who is 9 years older than me and has been married 5 times swooped in and said she has always had a crush on me and wanted to be with me and I was the best guy she ever met and she wanted to show me how much she loved me and appreciated me for the rest of her life and I am the love of her life and a blessing to her, etc. So in my abandoned heartbroken state I of course ate that up and turned my attention to a relationship with her. Looking back now I think I just substituted a relationship with her instead of healing on my own because it was easier and it was a distraction from what had happened to my marriage. Plus it was nice to feel loved and worthy of love after having been cheated on and left behind.

Well I gave that relationship all my effort for a year and a half and tried to learn from my mistakes and be an even better version of myself. I put up hard boundaries with other women and didn't interact with friends and family much. I focused on her and her kids and her house. Of course you guys know that was a roller coaster ride of emotion and me catching her in lies and infidelity. But at this point I could hardly fathom that it was happening again especially after she knew my wife lied and cheated and left and how it crushed me and she promised she was nothing like that and would never do that. Well she did it even worse. And now she has turned on me.

One final point to mention is that my religious upbringing involves a practice called shunning and for the last year I have been shunned due to my relationship with this woman and due to the fact that I have not been a member of the religion anymore. To emphasize what this means for me, none of my family members or friends who are in the church will talk to me. This includes sisters and brothers and cousins and yes even my own mother. I have no doubt they love me and are good people. They are just following doctrine and being loyal to their oath. I really have no problem with it except for the fact that I miss my friends and family dearly and this would be an especially good time for me to lean on them and rely on them for comfort. But right now I am alone. Literally.

So here I am having put all my eggs into the basket of this woman who has lied and cheated like my wife did and has gone even further to turn against me now. And I am alone with the mess that has been left for me to clean up while they both go running off into the sunset with their new lovers.

There is more to be told but I am just giving you the basics off the top of my head because I don't want to be long-winded. I just thought that maybe some of this information might be pertinent and would help you to better offer me your kind advice. I do sincerely thank you in advance from my heart.

For clarification, I live alone now. I hate coming home to an empty house filled with reminders of both failed relationships. My life is like a dark empty pit that I walk around during the day and then I fall into it at night. I lay alone in my bed and have trouble sleeping. Most nights I just cry.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 4:12 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

That is a heartbreaking story. I am really amazed at your strength now, LC. Really, you were basically in a "cult" type religion and you broke free from that. It sounds like there is a lot of mental health issues in your family tree. You are seeking help from a therapist! Be so proud of yourself, LC. You are breaking your bonds. You will be free from all that garbage and feel so good. It will take time and work on your part, but you can do it. You are stronger than you feel right now.

ETA: What are you working on with your IC? To stop blaming yourself, I hope. Sure, you made some bad choices in your marriage. Your WW went on to make bad choices but it wasn't because of what you did. Your WW made a choice to do what she did because she is a broken person, too. The second relationship didn't fail because of anything you did on didn't do. You were a victim of a predator. She saw a very vulnerable man and swooped in and took total advantage of you.

I agree that if you can find a group to volunteer with/for it will give some focus and purpose to your life and help others which can, in turn, help you.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:24 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

I have no doubt they love me and are good people. They are just following doctrine and being loyal to their oath.

These are not good people who love you. Love does not have room for that kind of treatment. I'm sorry, but I feel that I have to say this because I think this type of thinking is hurting you. It's basically saying that you think you deserve this treatment. You do not. Those people are delusional, at the very least.

I am so sorry for everything you have been subjected to. You did not deserve any of it. But, you survived. That's a place to start. Take care of yourself. Heal yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through the roller coaster. I think it's important to remain single for awhile and focus on healing. You have to heal to be whole and be whole to make a relationship work. Prayers to you.

I'm sorry you are going through the roller coaster. I think it's important to remain single for awhile and focus on healing. You have to heal to be whole and be whole to make a relationship work. Prayers to you.

Your life story is gut wrenching. You have travelled a long road. Believe in yourself. Despite your trials and pain, there is always learning. You have grown - you left a beginning that would have kept you stunted. You made mistakes that rightfully cause you immense pain - that is growth as well. DON’T allow yourself to be used in order to find happiness. I agree that you tried to make up for the past with this user of a partner. Marriage is about being equals in your life journey together. It’s about growth and sharing, give AND take, communication and honesty. But before approaching any kind of relationship, you must do your IC. You have a lot of love to give; is there an animal shelter you could work with as a volunteer? Fostering would give you a loving animal to come home to while fulfilling your giving nature. Maybe that’s an option. Or, as others have suggested, do community volunteering. You will make new friends in either of these activities and I think you would benefit to making new connections that aren’t associated with romance.