I'm going to give this a very, very conditional/qualified "yes," the revelation of an affair has the potential to improve a marriage-
NOT the affair itself, but the work done afterwards if both parties are sincere.
Some of you know that I've posted (ahem) strongly about Husband's one, limited, nearly anonymous physical indiscretion many years ago. He 'fessed up at the time- sort of. He significantly minimized. We had two small children and we were in the process of realizing significant goals for our young family. In the interest of the kids and family goals, I rug swept like a champ. I'm an over achiever and rug sweeping was no exception.
Several months ago, some additional detail about this ages old incident came tumbling out in a random conversation- Husband forgot he'd given me Narrative Lite many years earlier. He was surprised at my glib, superficial, naive narrative and understanding of the thing and he actually outed himself.
All hell broke loose here when I realized exactly what he'd done, and that he was not just a passive recipient of unsolicited attention.
It's been a process, and after the initial disclosure several months ago Husband immediately retreated to minimizing. I did not rug sweep this time- I pursued and ran it to ground. I was relentless.
(I ended up knowing more detail than I really need to know- mind movies for miles, for months- that's why I always advise newly BSs to consider detailed disclosure, especially about sexual/physical infidelity, under the guidance of a professional therapist who specializes in infidelity.)
Husband had to unpack this old incident and face it head on himself for the first time since it actually happened.
My major concern was not the incident itself, which was relatively mild, but the timing of it (HOW COULD HE? the timing vs. concurrent events and context was seriously a thing for me) and the mindset that allowed him to step over that bright line.
In examining the mindset, and also the minimizing, and putting it in context with other behaviors and choices and attitudes over the years, I *finally* got traction with Husband with a LOT of issues- not just the one incident of physical infidelity.
We unpacked and examined MANY things, things that were informed by the same attitudes and mindset that contributed to the cheating.
Husband doesn't act out immaturely anymore, hasn't really for years, but again, much of the mindset was still there, unchallenged and unchanged.
Husband knew that he never wanted to step over that line again immediately after the incident was over, many years ago, and he never did- but beyond the most obvious, superficial reasons he never really examined the mindset that got him into the deep end of a pool in a sketchy neighborhood in the first place.
I should probably post an update in reconciliation but despite my caterwauling on SI (and perhaps because of it, particularly some of the latest posts) we've made significant progress here.
Husband is walking the walk. He's making choices in the best interest of the marriage rather than continuing to rely on me and on the marriage to make the best of his decisions on his own behalf, or to be a support and infrastructure resource for him while he pursues his own interests and agendas. Some of that support is normal and expected, but we'd gotten way out of balance here as a result of emphasizing his goals and an unspoken agreement that they would always take priority.
I doubt we would have ever had the difficult, often strongly confrontational conversations we've had since DDay 2 had it not been for further revelations about that long ago incident. I doubt I would have come out swinging (figuratively) the way I did without that particular impetus.
I can and have put up with a lot of one way, selfish, self-centered, immature behavior without thinking too much about it. I compromised because Husband has, overall/in the balance been a good, responsible and giving Husband. What he took in some areas he gave back generously in others. But I did let the areas of compromise get to such an extreme that they were unquestioned and out of balance- and that did need to be corrected.
Physical infidelity is/was an absolute deal breaker for me- no matter how mild/insignificant. All of the sudden my tolerance of a variety of selfish, myopic behaviors was revoked. All bets were off.
Finding out that physical infidelity had actually occurred years before was almost a deal breaker even now- but it thankfully, ended up being a game changer instead.
I have both the advantage and the disadvantage of a lot of years in between the incident and the more complete discovery. There is enough transparency baked into our OS here that it's very easy for me to believe that Husband never stepped over that line again- so there's that. I believe he was immediately ashamed and remorseful.
I don't know that it would be so easy to transition from revelation to relationship improvement for a recent infidelity, in which there wasn't a built in track record of no repeat incidents. I can see how that would present a particular challenge.
P.S. I should add that Husband is not in Marriage Jail. I can be surprisingly open minded about many things, including sexual expression and experience, given safe, sane, informed, legal consent by all parties, including me. His arousal, his sexuality, and his experience of sex are his own as a discreet, enfranchised, independent adult. What blew me out of the water, and what he had to face and with which he had to come to terms, was that he engaged in sexual contact with another woman without my knowledge and prior consent, and with every intent of not telling me. He was well on his way to doing just that- but the guilt and shame were killing him and his face gave him away. When I confronted him directly, years ago, he 'fessed up, sort of, see above.
Another silver lining in this cloud- and this one we discovered years ago, thankfully- is that it's not necessary to hide this part of his sexuality from me. Our boundaries are actually remarkably similar- what feels safe, healthy and sane for each of us is pretty much spot on for both of us. So if he's craving that experience, telling me/inviting me to join in works. :)
I will add this as well, neither of us is burdened with sex addiction, so it's not like any craving or impulse is problematic or out of control. I would not expect the spouse of a person with sexual impulsivity disorder to be as sanguine about this stuff as I am, nor would I expect any spouse to compromise boundaries or integrity or to do something with which he/she is not comfortable.
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 5:31 PM, April 6th (Saturday)]
