SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm only 5 weeks post D-Day. My WH also had an EA/PA with a COW complete with ILYs for about 7 months.

We're deep into the territory of HB right now, mostly due to my irrational fear of being abandoned. However, my WS is taking all the necessary steps to prove he is remorseful and to help me heal. We are having a lot of honest conversations that are building emotional intimacy.

However, all the intimacy from our conversations isn't carrying over into the bedroom. Like you, I feel like we are only having sex. It's really good, but I don't feel the emotional connection I would feel if we were love-making.

I've had a couple of mind movies during sex, but not many. That's not what kills me. I don't feel special because their EA became a PA. They didn't just have sex; they made love. They said ILY. That's why I can't connect or make love with my WH now.

We haven't started MC yet, so I still have hope for R in the future. IC is helping me get through the immediate issues. Have you had any success with IC or MC? After 3 years, I would hope so, but your post doesn't say.

Hi 3rdEvolution,

Thanks for taking the time to post. I'm sorry to hear about your WH's A. Sounds similar to what I'm dealing with.

Enjoy HB while you have it! We went through that stage as well but it is long since gone and now I'm dealing with the issues I've posted about here.

I wonder, for both of us, did our WH actually make love to the AP? I know they said ILY but it doesn't necessarily mean they were making love. They might have just been saying ILY to get whatever they wanted (sex, kibbles, who knows!) our of the AP. Just something to think about.

In terms of success with IC/MC. There have been some helpful things along the way but I don't feel it's made a huge difference. I'm honestly not even why sure I continue with it some days. I think it's just to have somebody there for me when the inevitable crisis/mental breakdown hits. My therapist has been recommending we work on non-sexual forms of intimacy (such as flirting, cuddling, kisses, etc.) with the hope that it will carry over into the bedroom.

However, from what I have read here, some people really do benefit immensely from MC/IC and can one day make love to their partners again. Most of my posts inevitably come back to one issue - I think the reason I personally can't overcome this is because he was my only sexual partner (and I, his) and therefore I feel something sacred has been broken. Perhaps your situation is different in that regard.

BSH,

My WH said that he had sex with the OW because he needed to feel "emotionally connected" with someone. He DID connect with her (make love). Afterwards, he became completely emotionally disconnected from me. He stopped saying ILY. He refused to kiss me on the lips. He asked me to start wearing pajamas (instead of naked) to continue to share the same marital bed. All this from a man who's primary love language is physical touch!

No, he isn't my only sexual partner. My username is the hint. I've already been through D twice. He is the 3rd WH I've had.

I understand the therapist suggesting non-sexual forms of intimacy, but isn't that really just a form of foreplay? I would think that open and honest communication to create emotional intimacy would work better toward building the love bonds. They say if you really want to turn a woman on, then you need to focus on her biggest erogenous zone, which is located between her ears (her brain).

[This message edited by 3rdEvolution at 4:08 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

My WH said that he had sex with the OW because he needed to feel "emotionally connected" with someone.

^^ this is exactly what my WH said! Of course why that emotional connection was all about unprotected sex with somebody else's wife is something I'll never wrap my mind around. However, he claims they didn't make love; the sex was just a way for him to get his emotional needs met. I'm still not sure if this is a bunch of BS but he's been maintaining the story for three years now.

I'm sorry to hear that you've already been through D twice. Idk if I have the strength to even get through it once.

I understand the therapist suggesting non-sexual forms of intimacy, but isn't that really just a form of foreplay? I would think that open and honest communication to create emotional intimacy would work better toward building the love bonds.

^ Thanks for brining up this point. Maybe you're right. We struggle with open communication (without arguments) too. So there is a lot to work on.

I'm going to be the total weirdo here and say that I have never understood the distinction between "making love" and having sex. I definitely understand not wanting to have sex with your partner if you are upset, etc. But otherwise isn't it just something pleasant to do together?

The short answer to this is, for a guy I feel most loved by my mate when she makes love to me, and when I know that her sex life is restricted only to me.

Men know their wives love them when said wives enthusiastically and willingly have sex with their husbands on a regular basis. A woman generally feels loved by her husband when he tells her frequently that he loves and adores her, and also demonstrates his love by providing for her needs.

A woman who is not making love to her husband on a normal and frequent basis is essentially telling him that she does not love or value him.

Other guys may disagree with me, but that's my take.

Another weirdo. Don't see much of a difference either. Sometimes we go more slowly and take our time. Yesterday it was a quickie while we were out hiking (irony not lost on me). The quickie was more of a high, it was hotter and riskier so I felt even more connected after. We were both giddy and laughing. If you love the person it doesn't matter how it happens you will feel the closeness if it's already there. Your problem with sex is a symptom. Until the other stuff is fixed you cant expect the sex to go well.