Why does he get to go on like nothing happened after destroying everything I had?
Because he wants to.
What do you want
?
Because he can.
He spent a long time living a double life which made him feel like the sexiest thing out there. He created a bunch of happy memories for himself, including those of seeing his words have me in a ball on the floor harming myself.
And then he could cut and run to start it all over again while getting everything handed to him on a silver platter.
He is not fighting PTSD, an empty bank account, someone he loved putting him through hell, trauma.
Please don't tell me he's doing better because he made the decision to and I'm choosing this for myself.
I'm trying my absolute hardest. I fight the mind movies. I find ways to get myself off the floor. I'm trying to figure out how to get help. I am fighting the thoughts that tell me I should end my life.
I did love myself. I spent years building myself up. I did the work, I found happiness in myself. I didn't take BS from anyone, I turned down many guys who seemed like "that type". I preferred to be single.
And I was badass. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who loves herself.
Then I met an intelligent man with 0 empathy who gained pleasure from manipulation.
It was so subtle at first, I didn't notice it. Until suddenly I wasn't looking at myself and going "look at those hips you sexy MoFo". I was thinking "I bet he'd be more attracted to me if my tummy was smaller". And still it didn't register.
I loved myself, and after the amount of time I spent getting myself to that point, I do struggle when people tell me low self esteem made me susceptible. I didn't have low self esteem. I was enough. I loved me and all I had accomplished. I didn't nees anyone to "complete" me.
Thank you all for the advice.
I've accepted I won't be finding any kind of work until I get help, so I have to pay for it even with no idea when I'll work and almost non existent funds.
But whether or not I'll make it there I don't know. I'm terrified of everything. Going outside. Talking to people. Restaurants that play music. Shops. But I was refusing to let the fear win and still I struck up conversations with strangers every night in the hostels. I still tried to go on an adventure that old me would have been proud of. I still get dressed every morning and step outside. I still go for walks and exercise.
Every second is a fight but I've been doing it, it is the absolute best I can manage. And still people tell me I don't want it enough. I know it's no where near enough to be a functioning person.
And I'm just so tired now. I'm tired at the idea of fighting through this for years just to possibly have someone slowly get i to my head again. Or to discover that I'll be spending every NYE alone for the rest of my life. Or to find out I'll never be able to build a career again like I did before.
There are monsters in the world and I really don't want to be a part of it any more. I'm too tired.
