SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My supposed R did not work, but not because of this issue. You asked:

Does communicating with the AP SO really impact R?

In my case, no. My WH never said a word about my not communicating with the OBS. In fact he said "talk to him about whatever you need/want to." The AP had a complete meltdown about my reaching out to the OBS after d-day 2 to see how he was doing (similar to your situation it sounds) and while the AP was upset, my WH never was. Granted, the AP used it to have something to discuss with my WH and, well, the A started back up, but again that had nothing to do with the R process and everything to do with to remorseless selfish cheaters.

I agree that it's very possible your CH is afraid you find put more. Just because you got some info from the OW doesn't mean you got the whole story, or even the truth. She is a proven liar, as is your CH. She was angry that your CH dumper her. She can tell you anything she wants. The only way to possibly verify what she said is to compare notes with the OBS.

After dday1 and before dday2, when I only knew about the EA, my fch took an opportunity to talk to the MOW so they could get their stories straight.

I also agree that using the OBS for emotional support is a slippery slope. You don't know how intentions. He may be looking to have a RA, and who best to do that with other than the wife of the OM? I thought of doing that myself in the early days. Find a trusted family, friend, or therapist for emotional support.

I had some contact with the AP’s SO initially as we knew each other. At first it was good to compare notes and gain what little peace of mind I could. Although FCH didn’t like it, he respected my need to meet up with him. It was good that I did as predictably I still didn’t have the full truth, and neither did he.

Relations quickly soured thanks to the AP being a manipulative horror bag. She convinced her bh that he was responsible for her A, I was the enemy, and got him onboard for her contact attempts. After this I had to block him as I quickly realised he didn’t have my best interests at heart, and AP was using him to get at me.

What you need to ask yourself is who are you stopping contact for? Is it for you or your ch? If seeing the OBH will help you heal then go for it. Your ch has forfeited his rights to tell you what to do.

WH here,

Understand that most wayward have no understanding of how to reconcile. So their opinion on what is good or not good for reconciliation can be taken with a grain of salt.

That said feel free to compare notes, but look out for emotional entanglements. Your WH is throwing up a red flag when he tries to control reconciliation.

My .02 here.

No fucking way would I let my WH dictate to me my healing or control what I do with my time.

No. Fucking. Way.

Your WS’s anger is based from fear. Fear that the other BS will share information with you that your WS has kept from you. Obviously you don’t have the truth.

The BW and the BH.

It not the job to be support for each other when

they are recovering their marriage.

Though it fair game to compare notes with the other

BS to confirm the lies and the trickle truthing

has stopped.

Also to find out things never thought to ask. Such

as quite often a WS will confide in their AP that

this was not their first affair.

So I would do an intelligence briefing with the

other BS. Then close with if you suspect that your

WS is cheating again I will try to verify with

you if my WS is not breaking NC.

Such as my WW is claiming to have to work OT

Saturdays now where is your WH on Saturdays?

My WH is home with on those dates or my WH is

claiming that he has to work as well. Time to

quietly dig for evidence.

Though not to be there to support. There is the

MB infidelity website. Their private messaging

was and still is disabled after a BW and a BH

had a RA. What was messaging for support crossed

over into an affair.

Random thoughts...

I know I could have kept communicating with him, but it would cause tension between my H and I, and I don't want to deal with that.

Can you say more about that?

I'm also concerned about your H's plan/promise/threat to interfere in your relationship with OBS by telling him to get therapy. IMO, your H has no right to insert himself into your relationships.

He can ask you to stop. He can expect most of your non-work-related relationships to be with friends of your M. But inserting himself is a boundary violation, IMO, and he needs to learn to stop himself.

*****

I agree that using OBS to get data may be OK, but to give and receive support is risking an EA.

*****

NC means no new hurts. In general, I think that means NC for both WS and BS. Especially for WS, of course, but important for the BS, too.

If you still want data the the OBS has, why keep yourself from asking for it?

I responded and we exchanged about 10 emails mostly about our own personal processes. We pretty much related on how we had been feeling up to this point. We did not compare information or facts nor did I want to.

Are you positive you're communicating with the OBS and not the AP? It's not unheard of, but it would be somewhat unusual for a BH to be uninterested in the physical details of the affair.

I agree that your WH might be worried about more facts coming out or worried that the OBS will make a revenge affair overture. But if you're only communicating by email, how do you know for sure who you're dealing with? APs sometimes do bizarre things to keep the door open. One of my WH's AP's claimed to be pregnant in order to try and extort more cash out of him, even though she was well into her 40's and had no children.

It's not completely unheard of for an AP to get tired of waiting and expose the affair themselves in an effort to end the marriage. Not that I necessarily think that's what's going on here, but hey, it's a crazy ass world out there.

CT has a good point. We don't know for sure who is on the other side of that email or Facebook message or whatever.