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@Oldwounds and he couldn't admit that there was a problem with him sending it.. even though I believe he knows it was wrong and hurtful

@HellFire, he has done many of those things. But he hasn't changed jobs, it would be even more of an issue for lots of reasons that aren't related to the affairs, he doesn't understand the trauma, and he is already at a point where when I get upset, he declares, "I'm not doing this for the rest of my life."

@HellFire, oh and I did not tell her husband. I did confront her without actually saying what the problem was. Before she knew I knew, she had actually invited me to lunch before my husband went on his trip.. I had a sense that there was an issue before then, but the only proof I had was my intuition and the distance he created between the 2 of us, that it seemed like he was making to get closer to her.For example, he met her and supposedly 2 other female coworkers at a bar& lied to me about it. This was before the work trip. he even tried to hide it by using a credit card I didn't have access to.

@The1stWife, one of the most difficult parts about his behavior of denying that he has any idea about what his role should be in this is that, we both have degrees in psychology and work in mental health.. I do believe that he doesn't personally have experience with the healthy coping skills he needs for himself, let alone how to really help someone else cope.. I do believe it is a skill though and skills can be learned and practiced. We are working on getting to a counselor who will hopefully be able to make sense of that for him

Remorse. Effort. Support go a long way. Even asking what you need.

Don’t accept zero. This sounds like an excuse. To do nothing

Minding blowing considering his field.

Not sure what that says about him. As a professional or a spouse.

I get his point. You would think he would offer what he can do.

Did he mention the part where he caused it?

What’s your list of can’ts. Show him

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:55 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

he is already at a point where when I get upset, he declares, "I'm not doing this for the rest of my life."

Then he will not be married to you for the rest of your life. It's that simple. Either he atones and puts in the effort or a D will happen. That could be because you're fed, a new DDay, broken NC (seems that already happened), or because he doesn't want to deal with R anymore and files.

even though I believe he knows it was wrong and hurtful

Allowing you to look but refusing to address any issues is SUCH a cop out. This is transparency in name only. What's the point if you aren't allowed to call him out for broken NC? He clearly knows you're checking so even if he wants to re-start an A or start a new one, he will make sure not to have anything incriminating on his phone.

WSes like yours have high D rates so you must understand that you can do everything you can to keep the marriage and he may still file. He is already setting you up to take the fall as the crazy wife who just won't get over it. You can't work with this and you can't move forward with this until he truly finds remorse and is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes AND cut off all OW for good.

Read Cancuncrushed's profile. She took the path that you're attempting to walk on. She rugswept. She didn't call out her WH for blaming her for his As. She did everything she could to keep her marriage and guess how her WH repaid her? With D papers a new OW to boot. If he's still not keeping NC, no matter how "innocent", with an OW, he's not a safe partner to you and he's at risk of cheating again. In fact, I consider ANY contact with an OW to be a continuation of an EA at minimum.

180. DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). See a lawyer and find out what D would look like in case this all goes south. Prepare yourself and make choices based on his ACTIONS and not what he says or what you THINK he might be saying/thinking. His ACTIONS are saying he's unsafe, possibly still in an EA with that COW, and will not R with you.

I'm so fucking sad and it really doesn't matter.

I'm so fucking sad and it really doesn't matter.

It does matter! You matter! Your CH is an asshole. He's the one who doesn't matter.

Take charge of your life! Do what's right for you right now. Fuck him! (Not literally.) You've got your own life to live.