SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tell your story, it's important to get it out, it's part of healing, and you deserve to heal. Everyone does, but being a rape victim as a teen... You started at a massive disadvantage during one of the hardest times of anyone's life. I am so very sorry.

I had 3 relationships with older men when I was a teen, starting when I was 16. I will tell you, as I got older I realized how messed up that was. I too married a man 8 years older than I was, the relationship started when I was 17. I was a child, my ex had many issues, and I would not classify him as a predator, but he was wrong to have sex with me, he was the adult. Your husband was even more wrong to have sex with you. He may have stayed in your life when you were at a low point, and given you a place to stay, and I do see how that part was admirable. He could have done that without having sex with you. You were very clearly a wreck and he knew you were an addict, he should have kept his hands off of you. He could have been there for you as a platonic friend, at the very least until you got your head on straight, if not until you were 18. No one is helpless to their sex drive. I just hope you think about the possibility that he was wrong too.

His being wrong does not mean that what you did was right. I will be looking for the rest of your story. Please tell it. I just hope you see, at least in the beginning of your relationship, he was not a saint or this shining perfect example of caring. He was not powerless to your charms, and your short skirt did not take away his ability to not have sex with a teenager. I am a BS, and cheating is never OK to me, so I am not excusing it. His sleeping with you when you were a minor does not change how wrong you were to cheat, but at this point in my life I can see how immature teens are. You were clearly more messed up than most. He never should have slept with you.

He may have been a good husband, but just like the rape not taking away your responsibility for your bad behavior, how he was as your husband does not make it right that he slept with such a troubled girl.

I am telling you this because I think you need to look at the full reality of your life. Waywards tend to repaint what actually happened. It looks like you are now lost in your shame and it could be coloring your view. Part of your work is to see things clearly, for what they are. I truly hope my saying all this does not make you defensive. I also hope you take this in the spirit I intend it. I am not trashing on your husband, just please take the time to really think about it. Not to make him less than in your eyes, but to understand what the facts are. Reality will serve you far better than deception, even when it is pretty and comforting. Illusions are worthless.

You are on the path of personal growth, that is no small thing. Keep going.

[This message edited by MaryannFaithful at 5:16 AM, December 11th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

Wonderful post, Maryann.

I want to echo what she wrote about wayward repainting and build on it a little bit. I was molested by an adult neighbor as a kid. I haven't quite been able to figure out how old I was, but I was definitely preadolescent. I was also old enough to be groomed into feeling that I was special because of the sexual attention he gave me in private. It made me feel powerful, and that was valuable to me as a precocious kid who hated being treated like a child. He made me feel like an equal in a world of people who condescended to me. Sometimes, I would even hang out hoping that he would initiate something. If I had been an adult, it would have been flirting.

I spent most of my adult life believing that I was not a victim, that it was offensive to call myself a victim when there were real CSA victims who were fucked up by violent coercion. I did not see until recently how the experience really did fuck me up mentally and emotionally, because I was too young to understand that I was acting above my pay grade. However, the adult man did know it. He knew that I was not a gray area -- no jurisdiction lets you act in a sexual way with an 8-year-old -- but he wanted what he wanted. He may have told himself lies about why what he did was mitigated by how I behaved, but if so, I'll never know.

You have two kinds of sexual abuse in your past, which must make the contrast feel even more stark. In the first, it sounds like you were violently raped by strangers, an experience that deeply traumatized you. In the second, there was a man with knight in shining armor tendencies who tried to get you away from a potentially lethal situation. You see him as completely different, more your victim than the reverse. It's not nearly so black and white.

Part of what I took away from my CSA was that my sexuality made me feel powerful. To admit that I was vulnerable and victimized, when I saw myself as having the upper hand, was really hard for me. I did some really awful things while chasing that sense of sexual power. I refused to see the way the OM lied to me and manipulated me, because doing so would have meant admitting that the A was wrong and sick and that he had had power over me. And that wasn't the narrative I wanted; what I wanted to believe was that he was kind and I was irresistible, a siren who made him want me against his better judgment. In short, I made him the man down the street, only this time, I was an adult who should have known better.

I love what Maryann said. Just because he was wrong doesn't mean you were right, but also, just because you were wrong doesn't mean he was right. He's painting himself as the steady, reliable, mature adult as a foil to your permanently adolescent shitshow. The shitshow may be accurate, and you have a lot of work to do to own it, but a steady, mature adult does not fuck a teenage addict, no matter what inducements she offers. She is not in a position to give informed consent to anything.

I am so sorry about what happened to you at 14. I hope that your healing will help you cope with that, at long last. I also hope that both you and your H will acknowledge that the origins of your relationship were deeply problematic on both sides, and that he has work to do in facing his role as a perpetrator as well as as a BH.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 11:34 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

I have had 50/50 custody of my daughter from the age of 3. She is now 21. I could handle some 24 year-old sniffing around my 16 year old daughter, but what no parent can handle is

Meth

Heroin

Crack

Oxy

insert new designer drug here.

It is really hard for me to find fault with someone who assisted in removing someone from that life.

This child's life was headed toward a life of prostitution, living on the street and an early death. When she stole the drugs from her dealers, her life could have ended that day. Walk the streets of LA, Santa Monica and Venice and you will see plenty of 40 year old teenagers.

I do not mean to discount her beginning nor give anyone a pass. The experiences and advice from women who have been there are more than relevant. By all means these should be taken into account however my fear is that she may reach back for comfort to the drugs. Please stay sober. No offense intended with the knives and pitchforks post.

I will take my leave and wish you well.

[This message edited by 66charger at 5:26 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

I am glad you have gotten clean.

That probably saved your life as you seem to already know.

I will be waiting to hear the rest of your story.

Good luck!