I wasn't feeling shitty about myself, don't misunderstand I definitely feel shitty for what I have done, but that spiral I was going down was for what N is going through.
Can you elaborate on this? Because...
I made the choice to be a danger to my husband.
And...
I sit there, feel like crap, cry a little, and then remember how I want all of those things again with him.
Are really more about you. I do t doubt that you feel bad for N, but I hope that you are able to start understanding what that means and why. Get to the specifics of the hurt you caused.
I put him into this pitch black dark place, and I feel like I'm blocking him from getting out.
As you begin to explore all of the ways in which you have hurt your husband and learn to turn it on it’s head so that you can see it from his perspective your empathy will be what stops you from “blocking” him. It’s empathy and remorse that shine some light in his direction.
When you feel bad for N, ask yourself why. Make yourself get very specific. When you find the answer, don’t be afraid to share it with him. Write it down. Journal those feelings. It will help both of break through that darkness.
