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Well I talked to her mother trying get her to understand. It was a moment of weakness trying to get blood from a stone. She is as delusion as her daughter. Basically she said the relationship was over so the affair doesn’t matter. I told her, her daughter needed therapy, causing so much hurt and pain isn’t a normal thing to do.

So today the wife sent me her version of an apology. It was in an email. It’s no coincidence that after three weeks, when I tell her mother her daughter has lied to her about everything as well, that I get an apology. It was laced with “shared blame” for everything. Just another projection, not surprising I guess.

I’m not going to respond to it. I now understand what I’m dealing with. Nothing I can say will get me what I want, and she is simply incapable of helping me heal. If anything, it has helped cement the fact that I just don’t like her anymore which is a really nice feeling. For the past three weeks, it has been the rejection that has really hurt, but in such a short amount of time, I’ve already started to become indifferent. I hope this feeling doesn’t go away. A cold indifference is a beautiful feeling at this point.

Anyway, thanks again for all the posts. I want to join a support group so badly but everything is still shut down of course. This has helped. I’ve learned that empathy is a true blessing when you are hurt.

Now only 15 more years to go...

I should mention that yesterday, again in a moment of weakness I called her boss at work and told him about the affair and the theft that was going on. I am sure he already knew about it by his response. So in the end she will suffer no consequences. I’m glad I tried though. It is not my responsibility To hide the truth. I will treat my children the same way. I told her I would never tell the children, but I realize now it’s not my responsibility to lie to them to hide her actions. I don’t know the right way to go about that yet, I’m sure they must be wondering. Any advice on that matter? I have all sorts of books for children dealing with separation, divorce, living in two houses, but how do you tell children their mother did something wrong. Especially when that person didn’t try to rectify their mistake? I don’t want them to be hurt or confused but I refuse to lie if they ask.

I also made a Facebook account. I’m not going to message everyone she knows, but the people who have always been kind to me on her side should know the truth. I still value what they think of me, I’m not going to roll over and let things be said about me. It’s a fight I’m not looking forward too, but whatever., the truth still counts for most people I think.

I'd keep my powder dry on informing the kids until the divorce is final. Certainly, you don't want to lie to them if they ask, but family court judges take a dim view of it, with most assuming that it's an attempt at parental alienation.

Your relationship with your kids needs to be one of trust, and they need to know that you'll always be honest with them. But until your divorce is finalized, your actions are under scrutiny and wherever the worst of motives can be assigned, they likely will be. I think sometimes it's okay to say, "that's between your mother and me for right now".

Looks like she never told or hinted to you of any unhappiness. Regardless of whatever problems she is pointing out, she will most probably never find a better man than you - only pretenders and cheaters which seems to match her shallow attitude. Also I think with her false pride she is like a run away train. soon she will burnout.

Keep your head up. Yes it is a huge shock because you had no indication. As the saying goes that does not kill you make you stronger. Your best response is to do your things better and advance in you career etc. Now that you told them, better not to talk with in laws other than for business.

Once everything settled you can contact a lawyer to check the possibility of suing the employer for any monetary compensation for their allowing this behavior. Send the boss a polite email repeating what you told him over the phone. Hopefully he will reply and you have a written record

ChamomileTea is giving good advice.

Yes, you should always be honest, but there are ways to be honest with children that don't involve cluing them in on the dark ins and outs of the affair world, or in my opinion even letting them know Mom did something bad/shameful/whatever. It's different with older or adult children, but little kids really don't need that at all. It would really rock their foundation, in my opinion, and not benefit them.

I read in a book and have often defaulted to some version of "That's grownup stuff. You let us worry about the grownup stuff so that you can focus on kid stuff!"

Etc.

No stock answers get you out of long, sometimes heartfelt conversations with a kid. They struggle with D, too, of course. Just be honest, mindful, and age-appropriate. Make sure they know you're there, that you both love them, that you're able to work together to give them what they need.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:22 AM, June 28th (Sunday)]

Milk,

I get you wanting your pound of flesh. But it won't help in your healing. You are way too close out from all of this fresh trauma. It's going to take some time.

The more energy you put into publicly outing her, the more you will hurt. You need to stay focused on you. Stop trying to convince her family of anything. Same with mutual friends. The truth will always out.

Stop trying to communicate with her unless it's about the divorce or the kids. That's it. And you have to really abide by that rule.

As others have suggested, get a VAR. She's shown that she can fabricate abuse allegations. So protect yourself first.

You're going to be up and down and all over the place for a while. One moment you think you're fine, then next you're a total wreck. The roller coaster of emotions is totally normal.

Find new hobbies. Think of new things you can do with your kids. You need to focus on leaving wreckage of your marriage behind you instead of showing everybody you're on the right side of it. Think ahead to a life without this garbage person in your life. I know that'll be tricky having kids with her. But it is possible with minimum contact.

She will get nasty. She will continue to be mean. Grey Rock her. Google the term.

As for the kids, don't talk bad about her. If they ask what's wrong just say it's between mommy and daddy and none of it is their fault and that you both love them. If they persist in asking questions you can give them the most sanitized, age appropriate version.

Good luck.

[This message edited by squid at 2:06 PM, June 28th, 2020 (Sunday)]

Hi Milk, sorry you're going through this.

I’m just lost. It’s only been three weeks, I understand I’m still coming to terms with this. But I just don’t know about the universe when people so blatantly get away with things. I have accepted if she hasn’t apologized by now, anything she says will not help me heal. It’s just so hard to accept, one day you are eating together as a family, the next your life is destroyed and you have to shoulder the burden of everything.

Thank you again for the responses. I know many people have gone through this and even worse, and I feel true empathy for all of you. This is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I just don’t understand what is going on.

This is wat betrayal trauma does to you. As stated by Marnie Breecker, therapist with an expertise in betrayal trauma, there are 6 dimensions to it, maybe read through them and see if it resonated

Shattered inner world: the world is bad and unjust, people are bad, I'm not worthy

Life crisis: how to handle the practical things, when do the kids see me/her, how will I pay for an attorne, basically navigating daily life in this new situation

Existential trauma: I don't know about the universe when people so blatantly get away with thing, she did this but I married her, am I able to make good decisions?

Emotional trauma: her lying, her deceiving, her manipulating, you will remember moments that didn't add up and realize she was prob off cheating or gaslighting you

Sexual trauma: maybe realizing she slept with you while sleeping with him on the same day, mental pictures etc

Relational trauma: the person who was expected to keep you safe, didn't.

You are not alone. Check out this thread to find a link to tbe podcast. It might help you understand your feelings a bit better.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617809&HL=74175

[This message edited by Hedwig at 8:46 AM, June 29th (Monday)]

You can at least be thankful she didn’t drag you down the road of false reconciliation, prolonging the agony and causing more insult to injury. The sooner you get her in your rear view, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life and meet a world full of wonderful well adjusted ladies. You will get over this and you will be glad you did without too much wasted time.

Regarding the kids, this is a parental dilemma that many experts give totally opposing viewpoints. Here are some basic tenets I always keep in mind dealing with my kids.

I always keep in mind that my kids are made up of half of their mother. If I tell them their mother is a bad person they might question if they themselves are half of that equation.

Don’t let her write the narrative or rewrite marital history and demonize you. You should not demonize her. Try and come to an agreement with her on this fundamental principle. She may agree and comply or she may not. She may not be in a state of mind yet to think rationally in this regard.

Must be age appropriate. Only necessary age appropriate details.

Must not be malicious.

Kids already sense dysfunction and will blame themselves to some degree if they are kept in the dark.

It’s ideal if you two can come to some kind of mutual agreement on what and when to tell them. It would be really beneficial if you two could lay all differences and drama aside for a moment and come to a mutual agreement to never shit talk each other. You two have something in common you can work with, your mutual love and interest in your children’s well being. Make a pact-based on that mutual love and interest, to never bad mouth each other and talk about how doing so causes harm to the kids. Even my fogged up WW had a sober moment long enough to understand this principle.

In spite of all that has happened, you two still have a

co-parenting relationship to salvage and nurture.

Your kids are watching you very closely, and learning. Learning how you handle a crisis. Learning lessons on dignity, self respect and regard. Learning about boundaries and consequences and also about chivalry, compassion, class and composure.

Divorce your selfish, lying cheating unremorseful wife post haste but, do so with class. Cuz the kids are watching.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:54 PM, June 28th (Sunday)]

Thank you for the posts. I will keep quiet with the kids. I’ve always known and have been able to do that so far. I’m starting to come back to earth so I think the most dangerous part is over in terms of saying anything stupid. It still infuriates me that I had to tell the kids that mommy and daddy are both being silly. It’s like a never ending cup of garbage that I have to eat. Covering up for someone else’s mistake when they don’t appreciate it is something I’m just not mature enough to gladly do. Maybe this is one of the things that make you grow and become a better person. The whole thing is just so hard.

As to the post above, thank you. I know being vindictive will do nothing for me in the long run. Vengeance only clouds my mind with negative thoughts. Again, I just don’t have it within me yet not to lash out. I can see far enough ahead that anything I say will look petty in the long run, but I can’t get past the feeling that she will be able to minimize the affair or hide it all together from people. I know her consequences are that she will continue to carry this behaviour into the future, but to be honest, that does nothing for me. If she ruins another relationship in ten years, that doesn’t help how I feel now. I’m just fighting with trying to be a better person. It is incredibly difficult to take the high road. Thank you to everyone for the support. Although it’s only the internet it means a lot to know there is empathy out there, and wisdom.

Milk, no one is telling you to lie to the kids or hide the A. You can make it simple by telling them that when you married you made promises to each other and their mother broke those promises and has decided she doesn't want to be married any more. When they are older, you can expand on that, when they are ready.

I hope you've been looking for a good lawyer that will protect you. Your WW sounds like the type to try to take advantage of anything she can.

The whole " keeping it from the kids" deal is misguided, IMO. Yes, "experts" vary on this. But, if, you do not editorialize and keep it clean, I think they should be told(age appropriate of course).

It is not to be vindictive but, rather, to clear confusion and self blame from the kids.

It is, after all true and a true portrayal of what their mom has done.

telling the WW boss is not how to expose at work. many times

a boss will cover up the affair.

exposure at work must be done to the HR dept, asking them

what is their response to handle this problem with CC the

business owner, CEO and the Board.

When I phoned, the HR department did not pick up, so I phoned the boss. I’m not going to phone again. If nothing is done, then that is that. Anything more will be pure vindictiveness. At some point I have to move on and retain my integrity. Yes I want her to suffer and lose her job. Honestly I want her to be run over by a train so I never have to see her again. But the reality is I will see her many, many times. She is the mother of my kids, and the only way I think I’ll get through this is if I somehow find joy again to the point that it overwhelms whatever anger and hatred I have for her.

I have spoken to the children. I talked about telling the truth and what keeping or breaking a promise means. My youngest keeps asking when we will all do stuff together again and it’s very hard to answer. I’ve told them mom and dad are not friends any more. They are comfortable with the idea that there will be two homes, but I know they don’t understand why. At this point I think I’ve said enough. I will just have to take the burden on myself so that they can be kids.

My wife is now trying to get the child care changed. It’s been my parents for six years, so I hope the courts see through her cowardice. Just when I feel I’m getting back to earth she throws something else at me. I have the kids this week, so that helps at least.

Milk,

The1stwife nailed it. I was in a very similar situation as you. My XWW never admitted she did anything wrong, she simply started a “ new relationship” (while married to me) with a married man “because I didn’t love her anymore”.

What I suggest is that you focus on what best for your children and you. It’s not in your best interest and not in your children best interest that your STBXWW loses her job. You DON’T want to pay alimony to a ex cheating wife.

Nothing is certain in life but it is likely that your STBXWW won’t have a happy future. She is perfectly capable to take bad decisions, destroy her life, and not learn anything because it’s someone else fault. She destroyed your family and the OM family. You want revenge? Sit back and let her be herself

You will have to interact with her for years and you will see it happen. I saw it happen to my XWW, but I won’t bother you with the details.

The next day she came back and said I had grabbed her arm and left a bruise,

Be very careful with this. She can try to deflect the blame, make you the bad guy and file for false DV. Buy and wear a VAR.

Take care of yourself, take it one day at a time, talk to friends and family. Stay calm and focus on what’s best for you and your children.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:39 AM, June 30th (Tuesday)]

Milk, I do hope you have an attorney who specializes in divorce. And take care of your finances. Now, were it me (the bastard I can be), I put their emails on my FB page- especially the ones about the theft. And see to it as many people knew as possible. That type of peer pressure may turn her around. Also, on the presumption of you getting joint custody, do go after being the custodial parent. Your rationale will be your STBXW lacks moral judgment and make the emails (again include the ones about her theft) as part of your evidence. Being the "custodial" parent leaves all decisions of any importance up to you so you can do what is truly best for your kids.

I think I have a good lawyer. I Live in Canada as well so it’s different than the states. I’ve been told by the lawyer the text messages I have won’t do anything. I can take it to court but it will just be a waste of money and time. The courts in Canada don’t care about infidelity and I cannot prove she is a bad mother otherwise.

I have contacted her relatives on Facebook and told them the truth. Some of them will be disgusted but it’s more likely many of them won’t care. She has no real friends, and we have no shared friends. I’ve basically done what I can I think to tell those around us who she really is. I do not want to be purely vindictive, I think that will only harm me. I have the text messages saved and they do prove a relationship and possible intimacy. But I think if I send them out people will lose respect for me. I don’t really know what to do, but I know I have to move on with my life at some point. It’s a terrible position to be in. As I’ve said before, her affair has left me with the burden of carrying the pain.

Last night I saw a picture of the guy my wife had the affair with. I basically raged and thru put all her possessions in the dumpster. This morning I thought better of it and picked them out. I kicked her out of the house three weeks ago. I am thinking this weekend I will put her stuff outside and tell her she has a day to come get it or I will throw it out. We are both owners of the house, so I assume I can get in trouble for this? I just can’t stand looking at anything of hers anymore. Any advice? I

I also wanted advice on how to contact her extended family. I have sent messages on Facebook but I’m not friended with any of them so I don’t know if they are even getting them. Some of the people have been genuinely kind to myself and my children over the years and I would like to say goodbye. I also want to tell them I they will not see me again. Does anyone have any experience on how to do this?

Brother, take care of yourself exercising and drinking water etc. Please seek out IC for yourself. Advice here is a good but do as advised by your legal team.

One day at a time

Buffer

I am thinking this weekend I will put her stuff outside and tell her she has a day to come get it or I will throw it out. We are both owners of the house, so I assume I can get in trouble for this? I just can’t stand looking at anything of hers anymore. Any advice?

Yep, here's some advice. Don't do any of that. I don't know how the law is in Canada, but based upon American experience, you can't toss your wife out of the married domicile without repercussions. Especially if she is the co-owner of the property before separation and settlement. She will have ammunition to rake you over the coals legally and financially. You don't want that hassle.

See what your (Canadian) lawyer says about ejecting her from residence and throwing her stuff away. I'm guessing he or she will advise against this. A better move would be to put it all in storage. Yes, this costs money and it's a pain in the ass, but it is doing the right thing.

You will likely sell the house or buy her out, there's no other way around this at least in American law. Don't give her grounds to attack you later. I suggest you don't deny her entry into your house at any point until after separation. You don't have a protection order in place, so you don't really have the right to do this, at least in the States.

Once the property has been portioned out or disposed of, and you have a working custodial agreement in place, you can feel free to go NC as much as you like. Until then, you may have to swallow your pride and let her be in her own house (half of it anyway).