SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this is a hard thing to contemplate at the moment, O2003, but I hope she is not in your will.

Sending strength!

I know the agony and the trauma of walking in on the Wayward with the AP in bed. My heart goes out to you. PLEASE find counseling sooner rather than later to deal with the mind fu@%ery that comes with that. It is brutal.

I too am so sorry about your diagnosis. A very smart man once told me to “Listen to the diagnosis but not the prognosis “. That there is possibility for outcomes that can vary from what we are told. So...

Regarding the situation with your xW, I would suggest you look at several factors.

*She has repeatedly shown you who she is

*It would be comforting to have a loving soul by your side as time passes

BUT...

*It takes a long time to rebuild trust after infidelity, and with a SA, even a tougher, longer road.

It seems, as so many here have said, that your time and attention needs to be on your health. And that you need to consider how much time and effort it would take to try to deal with her actions.

I don’t know you, but I feel you deserve to spend precious time being happy and focused on your living, than trying to work through such a mess.

Best of luck to you.

I must work today and tomorrow but I should figure out how to slow down, that is something that I don't do well. I find joy in work, to a level that is probably not healthy.

You know what? You've just been handed a pretty crummy medical diagnosis and then, just last week, walked in on your xW inflagrante dilicto. If it means anything to you, you have my permission to do whatever the hell you want sans felonies.

What's "not healthy" can be remarkably subjective. If working increases your joy, put that on the scales as positive outlook.

I’m sorry your health has taken a turn. Please take care of yourself. I can relate somewhat. It’s a different place to be.

My exH and I are no contact. He became violent and dangerous in the end. He is very ill. He had brain damage from alcoholism. It’s significant. There’s no coming back from it.

He is a serial cheater. A narcissist. A chronic alcoholic. He’s currently in a three year bender. Again. I have been hurt. I have been angry ,I have hated him ,for all the destruction he has done. I’ll spare the details. It was long and cruel. I divorced him. Thinking all is finished. It’s not.

Emotions are a funny thing. I am codependent The worse he gets , I get very strong urges to help. He’s alone.

Everyone suggests strongly I keep my distance. I remember our early marriage. When things were good. I remember he was my husband. 36 years. I feel anyone would need help. That’s who I am. I’m struggling with what I should do.

There comes a time when affairs are not the issue. Let all bygones be bygones. Maybe this need is bigger then our past . When life is ending. Maybe none of that pain in the past matters.

What ever you need. Whatever you decide Who you want in your life. Just keep it real. She is never going to change. Don’t build romantic expectations. She is who she is. But you can have time with her. You can have conversations. You can enjoy I would not recommend it if it’s continued pain and fighting. It’s a big hurdle. One that probably get easier.

It’s a confusing place to be. To love and need the very person you hate and destroys you.

The real question is. Who will she be as time passes? Will she be there for you? Sadly, even situations like health , doesn’t affect them, sometimes.

Do what you want. Do what you need. Choose. You can change your mind. Say what you choose to say. It’s about you. You can open that door. And shut it again when your ready. If it hurts to be with her. End it. Don’t fight it.

Have you looked into narcissist? She sounds like she could be. In that case. You might need to rethink all of it.

I’m tempted to be there for my Ex. I have to remind myself he is dangerous. He is not going to be a nice person again. I’m not helping the man I married. I have to accept reality. And stay in reality no matter what happens. I wish so many things. That’s not how it is. Those wishes confuse things. It’s fantasy

Healthy distance is a must.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:03 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

I’m going to continue on the pragmatic approach:

If you two are divorced, then the financial and legal-rights separation should be clear. What is yours and what is hers is part of the D process and no judge would have signed the decree if there was any uncertainty there.

What you two might have thought or what might have been implied is not relevant. If she THOUGHT, you would remarry and then she would get her rights to your pension or whatever doesn’t matter. What matters is what was signed and accepted by the court.

I hope and want to believe you will survive your illness. I hope you respond well to treatment and battle this and win.

But once again: pragmatic…

Go through ALL documents that are relevant to the situation.

Make a will: Have it legally done by an attorney where you clearly state where your money goes, who should manage the estate and so on.

Designate an executor: Do you have a brother, uncle, aunt, niece… anyone that you know is a cold, logical and ethical person? Attorneys are often used, but they tend to charge by the hour and gnaw at the estate. Someone that you have had the difficult talk to about your will, what you want and so on can pay dividends.

Check your insurance policies: Any life-insurance? Who gets the pay-out?

End of life: With your doctor and possibly a priest or moral guide decide how far and long you want to go. At what point are you OK with having the switches flipped.

Who gets to decide, be with you and know: While married then by law that’s your wife. Divorced and she will by default be denied entry into the ER or post-op or to see your files or take part in any decision if you aren’t capable. Decide who gets that role now and prepare them.

Talk to your bank about how to access your accounts if you aren’t able or have passed away. I know of a widow who had to borrow money from family because she couldn’t access her dead husbands accounts for over 4 months after his passing. The bank was sympathetic, but “correctly” pointed out that the man had never marked the box granting her access.

I’m probably skipping several issues here… It might sound macabre and maybe defeatist. But in reality, MOST of the above are things ANY and EVERY person should consider. You might be facing a potentially fatal disease, but we all face the risk of getting run over by a car or tripping and breaking our neck. Cover these bases NOW while you have time, health and the mental capabilities and it will give you peace moving on.