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HowCouldSheDoIt ( member #78431) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021
Conchi:
Does she know you know about her affair? If not, you have an opportunity to see if she confesses after you do.
I'll also expand on what TIF had written, and speculate that she might be understanding, being a cheater herself.
As a BS, I can't say loud enough OF COURSE you should be totally honest if you want to R. No offense, but even questioning that is a very WS thing to do.
Me: BH Mid 50's
Her: WW Mid 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Separated and going through a very amicable divorce
siracha ( member #75132) posted at 2:31 AM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021
Should you confess too ? Yes for exactly the same reason you shouldn't pick anyone's pocket. This isnt really one of those things that people dont know . Your friends are clearly cheaters and enablers themselves .
Are you both addicts by any chance ? If so you really need both addiction and infidelity trauma counseling . That all being said i hope you feel better soon . Good luck .
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 4:54 AM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021
Should you confess too? That depends.
If you want to have a superficial relationship based on lies, do not confess.
If you want to finally have a real relationship, committed, and based on honesty and respect, then confess.
Your choice. The latter is in no way guaranteed. Only thing for sure if you tell the truth, is your soul will start to unfreeze. The amount of work you put into truly rebuilding will determine how far it thaws.
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:25 PM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021
I'm not surprised either. But he absolutely should NOT indulge himself on this. Instead, he should go to his WW and tell her the TRUTH, and not in the nebulous future after some therapy, but right now, TODAY. Every minute he allows her to wear the hair shirt while he knows he's as guilty as she is (if not more) is going to add to the difficulty of recovery. Because she's going to remember every time she apologized, or God forbid debased herself in guilt, and she's going to experience that as NEW betrayal.
100! Read this very carefully, OP. This is very much what my feelings were like. I was working my butt off to do whatever I could. The pain of what I did was so unbearable, I was at rock bottom. And, for him to lie to me for so long about his affair while I was groveling was not just a blow, but the one thing that will be the longest for me to get past. She can still find out about yours independently from you. H didn't think I would find out either, but I did. This is your chance to really start working on R, because if you tell her or she finds out at a different juncture it will complicate and probably derail all the work.
And, recovering from affairs is LONG work. When I got here and saw 2-5 years I said no way! Definitely. And, he restarted us after our 3rd year. Don't do it.
[This message edited by hikingout at 8:28 AM, April 29th (Thursday)]
8 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, April 29th, 2021
Just to make it explicit: recovery is not reconciliation.
You need to process the feelings around being betrayed. You also need to change from cheater to good partner.
Those are prereqs for leading a good life in your future, whether you R or D.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
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