SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seeking2F

It's a no-win situation because if she was enthusiastic it felt like she was just doing it because she felt bad. If she wasn't enthusiastic it was confirmation of my inadequacy.

This resonates too. I'm sorry you have to deal with this but good to know that it has lessened (sometimes).

Stevesn

My thought is that when he truly does the work to fix what was broken in him to cheat and then worse, lie, that you can finally feel he is no longer that person and instead someone who stands beside you in hating who he was and what he did.

I agree with this in theory. In fact, I lived this during our false R. I fell in love all over again but in what I thought was a more authentic way. Now, we started over, but so much of the big hurdles were already crossed (communication/boundaries/priorities) that it's hard to get back up again. He knows this though, and looks for ways to show me where he's changed. I can only hope that time and more data points will help. I also agree that talking about it all helps make me feel safer (and that I'm not alone in this).

OW

Connection at every level is critical, in my mind, for a relationship to be worthy of our time.

I feel the same. I don't want a friendship masquerading as a marriage.

It’s clearly a free will type of deal. You can’t force it, you can’t use Jedi mind tricks or fake it. But you do have to figure out what it is or why it is you may not feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

You know, I read this while I was one vacation with him last week and put some thought into it (and discussing it with him). I think I don't trust him yet (we haven't been put in many situations where his boundaries are tested since DDay 2 was only 8 or so months pre-pandemic). But I also think the larger issue is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I'll be able to survive another heartbreak. Twice was enough. I know I'd be "fine" financially, but emotionally and physically? I really don't know if I can handle it. So keeping my walls up, disconnecting emotionally and "safe". I'm really not sure how to bridge that distance. I thought if I felt financially secure it would help, but nope. I have my post-nup securities, and just finished a program that would be great in the job market. I'm just not healed enough in my head or my heart.

Thanks again SI friends. Beyond the encouragement and support, you always give me great food for thought!

9 years out, WH is doing everything right for the most part.

My sex life is dead. I’m dead on that front. It’s been long enough to say it isn’t coming back. Oh well.

I have sex every other week with WH. I trigger each time during it, he doesn’t notice. I don’t bother saying anything because there is just simply nothing he can do. It’s gone. I used to try to talk to him about this issue, but I just left the conversation feeling more broken inside, more defective. So I stopped having the conversation anymore. It never got me anywhere. Because it’s in my head, and always will be in my head.

I hope he got enough fantasy land from his anonymous hook ups, because I have this huge wall that will prevent him from touching me. And I built it because it is protecting me from being hurt again.

I can give myself better orgasms without the mind fucking anyway.

During the first 6 months after DDay, we had amazing sex almost every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. For as much as it was hurting as hell, sex was really amazing. I can not explain, I guess it was a mix of feelings of being about to lose what we had, the feeling of learning that she was desired by someone else, and also that she desired other people (this is hard to admit, but yes, this can trigger a new level of excitement). We also lost some fear of talking about our desires, which was good. We experienced some fantasies together, which also helped.

Of course things cooled down over the next months, but on month 9 after DDay there was this episode when she was truly rude to my parents (humble people who never interfered in the relationship and who are incapable of being rude to someone), and from this day on, the enchantment was broken... the "me" who initially thought that she was worth R started questioning that... and over time, we have grown apart.

Now, 3.5 years after DDay, we don't have sex very often (mostly because we have a 1 y.o baby boy), but when we do, it's very good. We are both in good shape, there's desire from the both of us... BUT... of course something is not right. We are mostly roomates instead of a real couple. We share a home, we share responsibilities, we look after our baby, but there's always something wrong. And talking about it won't help, because what happened is in my head (and will always be), and because of some childish behaviours from her side, when things are not the way she wants them to be. Admiration is constantly being lost.

During the first 6 months after DDay, we had amazing sex almost every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. For as much as it was hurting as hell, sex was really amazing. I can not explain, I guess it was a mix of feelings of being about to lose what we had, the feeling of learning that she was desired by someone else, and also that she desired other people (this is hard to admit, but yes, this can trigger a new level of excitement). We also lost some fear of talking about our desires, which was good. We experienced some fantasies together, which also helped.

This is a common experience: Hysterical Bonding or "HB" around here. It's a natural response that seems to be a desperate effort to reestablish the intimacy that was destroyed on DDay. Conveniently, the WS is getting the attention they crave and the BS feels like they're reclaiming what was theirs.

It invariably flames out. Good sex doesn't address the underlying causes of the A. It's all still there the next day. Or later that morning. Or that afternoon.

I'm sorry that you feel stuck with what sounds like a failed R. You don't deserve to live the rest of your life with a roommate. Your child will pay the price for growing up in a home with all of this tension hovering over it.

Based on your other posts I have to wonder if you've ever been more than roommates to your WW. It sounds like your WW has never been willing to do the work to show you that she was truly remorseful and willing to try to atone for her betrayal. Maybe that's because she's fine with a roommate and sperm donor.

You deserve better. But your role there is demanding that she do the work. And being willing to do your part to find forgiveness or at least acceptance if she does.

Or maybe it's time to move on.

It sounds like your WW has never been willing to do the work to show you that she was truly remorseful and willing to try to atone for her betrayal.

And I`m forever waiting that she would finally do the expected work, but I know that this is not going to happen.

And if we were roommates before her A, honestly I don't know. I haven't had any other relationships to compare. But what I can tell is that before the A, I felt in peace when I was with her. My home was my refuge. And it's not like that anymore. Not for the past years, and I don't see it changing in the future. I know it's up to me to make a move.

It sounds like you should consider something like a 180. Start focusing on what you need to be happy moving forward with or without her. Your WS needs to decide whether she's willing to do the work to be a part of that happiness.

Wishing you the best.