SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Sunflowers

Just wanted to say hello and I know how you feel. My ex of 19 years also had an affair with my very close friend and neighbour. I was gaslighted for a year after they were caught (text messages by her husband) of trying to make us work and told it was all in my head, they were just friends and I was crazy. We also hung around her husband and kids most weekend.

He left in Jan, and then told me in Oct (by text) that they are now together. Also told our kids without my knowledge. She had always been int he background waiting.

So once again was such a shock, and its hard to understand that they both choose to hurt me (and my kids) once again and not walked away. When I found out the first time I got ptsd, lost my hair, lost so much weight and had a breakdown. Its hard to get your head around that the did it again.

Im a year on and Im happy. Im tired, and bruised but Im growing and thriving whilst he is stuck with the same old girlfriend not changing or evolving.

I see him now and Im full of pity as one day he will need to tell his boys how he and his girlfriend broke their mother over and over again, he will never be their hero again. I will never ever understand how 2 people can hurt another human that loved them (I called her sister and I was confiding in her when she visited daily) like how they did to me and you. My rose glasses are defo off now - even hearing his voice makes me sick and gives me the ick. He is a creepy, sleazy coward- just like her.

I too get told that its my fault, he was unhappy, I was abusive - all rubbish. Its all rewriting history and deflection to make their guilt easier - most people know the truth but prepare to lose some friends who will believe him

All I can say is trust your gut, your nervous system speaks to you, take each day as it comes, some days are rough but it doesent last forever, ignore him as much as possible and grow!!! Go out and have FUN, say yes to everything. Ive studied, climbed mountains, met new friends, got in amazing shape from the gym and dated (I have the best dating stories). You will get there - I have.

You wont forget and be thankful that you wont understand - as you would never do this. You will never get the full story or a proper sorry or a reason. So try and move on slowly

I wish you all the luck x

All I can say is trust your gut, your nervous system speaks to you, take each day as it comes, some days are rough but it doesent last forever, ignore him as much as possible and grow!!! Go out and have FUN, say yes to everything. Ive studied, climbed mountains, met new friends, got in amazing shape from the gym and dated (I have the best dating stories). You will get there - I have.

Trix123, I just want to say how inspiring I found your post, and what you've done with your life since this betrayal. It really is wonderful to read how you have done so many positive, exciting things, thank you so much for sharing, and you're so right - get out and have as much fun and experience as much joy or interesting things or fight for causes, or whatever is meaningful, and have the life YOU want. It's so much better than wallowing in sadness over people who don't even deserve any of our time. They're not worth it. If we keep focusing on them it's like going through life with lead weights chained to our ankles. I hope our friend Sunflower is able to break those chains and fly too. It's the life she deserves.

Sunflower Girl,

You have had major, beyond the pale repeated betrayal trauma by both your female frenemy and by someone you loved and trusted with all your heart and soul. It is 100% normal to still be struggling with anger and devastation from this ongoing, long term betrayal.

You are wise to divorce this man. He never deserves your trust again in regard to love or an intimate partnership.

I am dealing with a decade and a half AGO long term EA that has finally come to light and I am struggling every day. If I was younger and healthier, I would leave now even though my WH has been decent for a decade for the most part ( as far as I know).

Some seem to be able to reconcile but I personally don't think I have it in me to ever forget or really forgive because of the TRAUMA I went through during his EA. My gut knew but he gaslit, blame shifted and denied my reality. It was awful to live through and "the body keeps score", and while I never had PROOF, until last year, it changed me and I never recovered but lived with confusion for years. I wish I had left back when it happened but I was not able to for a number of reasons, and again, had no proof. Now I know our gut is all the proof we need!

Keep going, feel your feelings and love yourself. You did nothing to cause him to be a POS. He was that all along, you just didn't know what you didn't know when you fell in love with him.

You are on the right path going forward without this selfish man-child. I wish you the all the best.

JadedLady