SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The problem is that blind trust existed, not that it's gone, although it seems that the problem is that it's gone. I believe the biggest loss from being betrayed is the loss of illusions.

I feel I trust my W 100% even while knowing she - or I - could screw up. Blind trust is a burden that shouldn't be dumped on anybody, IMO.

*****

I am still processing whether that reflects a phase or something deeper, so I am observing behaviour now rather than drawing conclusions.

I think that's the best approach - watching actions, not believing to words until they're backed up.

If your H has been honest and loving since he stopped, R seems eminently possible for you, if you want to R. If you want D, or if your WH really isn't remorseful, you can D with your head held high.

*****

IMO, your best goal is to heal. I think you know that. IMO, the you process the anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body, the more you will heal, and the better your life will be whether you D, R, or gather more info. You're really in charge of your own healing.

Thank you for taking the time to share this sisoon - I really appreciate your perspective.

What you said about observing actions rather than relying on words really stayed with me as that is very much where I am right now.

I am still processing everything and trying not to get too far ahead of myself - so just taking things slowly and staying in observation mode.

Thank you as well for the reminder about focusing on healing - that is something I am holding onto.

I appreciate your support as it does help to hear different perspectives and taking in all the wonderful advice...

Bumped by Request

Thank you Tanner

My DDay anniversary is tomorrow so I wanted to come back to this original thread as this was where I first posted when I joined SI in April and at the time I said I was staying in observation mode and watching actions rather than words. Five months later I think I am clearer about what I have actually been observing...there have been good moments and there have been times where I have seen effort but one of the hardest things for me now is that he does not want the infidelities or affairs spoken about again and I am having to really sit with what that means for healing and for me...the betrayals themselves were many years ago but I only found out a year ago and then more came out later so it has never felt like one clean DDay - every new layer changed something again and made me look back at memories family life holidays birthdays and ordinary days with different eyes.

I am still not rushing myself into any final decision but I am also not in the same place I was when I first wrote this thread...I am clearer about my own needs now and less willing to abandon myself just to keep everything looking normal or comfortable for everyone else. The biggest thing I have learned from SI is that healing cannot really happen on one persons terms only and silence may make things easier for the person who caused the damage but it does not make the impact disappear for the person carrying it and so I am still observing but I think the difference now is that I am not only observing him anymore...I am also observing myself and paying attention to what I can and cannot live with going forward.

Tomorrow will be one year since reality changed and I honestly do not know how I will feel when I wake up but I wanted to come back here because this is where I started and so many of you helped me through those first months...thank you for that.

but I think the difference now is that I am not only observing him anymore...I am also observing myself and paying attention to what I can and cannot live with going forward.

^This is where I am at. New boundaries. Learning how to break the old patterns. After 50 yrs together it's not easy, but I'm slowly coming around and it feels good.

One year is still so very fresh. Take your time.

God bless!

Trumansworld Thank you...

New boundaries. Learning how to break the old patterns.

Yes exactly this...I think that is the part I am only really starting to understand now because for so long I was looking at him and his behaviour and wondering what it meant when actually I also need to look at myself and the patterns I have accepted adapted around or explained away over the years. After 50 years together I can imagine how hard that must be and I really appreciate you sharing that it can slowly start to feel good because that gives me hope that boundaries do not have to feel like loss...they can also feel like coming back to yourself.

One year is still so very fresh. Take your time.

Thank you - I think I needed that reminder today because part of me feels like a year should mean I am further along but emotionally it still feels very recent in so many ways...I am trying to let myself move at the pace I actually need rather than the pace I think I should be at.