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At the same time, I worry about how that comes across to the betrayed spouse. Does it make him feel like, "You are thinking about the other person all the time"?

It could make him feel like, "you really are thinking about me and how much hurt this has caused, aren't you?"

How do I explain the difference between me thinking about the damage, hurt, and devastation my terrible decisions caused, versus him believing I am thinking about the affair itself or missing it?

You do it by saying just that. "I keep thinking about the damage, hurt and devastation my terrible decisions have caused and I feel horrible that I've hurt you so profoundly. I hope one day you can forgive me, but I understand that could take a while, if ever. I just want you to know that I'm going to be here for you, no matter what, for as long as you'll allow it."

I think Gemmy also gave you some great examples of some sentences and phrases you can use. I don't think something like "I've been thinking about how much this must still hurt you" would be misinterpreted as you thinking about the other person all the time. To me it would show that you're thinking about your husband.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:08 PM, Sunday, May 24th]

Ragab, how do you feel about your AP? My wife despises him now and isn't shy about expressing it. Despite the fact that she actually said the opposite on d day, she realizes now that any man who targets a married woman isn't such a "great guy." He's a scumbag in her eyes and she lets me know it.

The difference between "mistake" and "bad choice" is that to most people, "mistake" has a connotation of "accidental." You didn't commit infidelity by accident. I understand that you mean "a choice you regret" when you call it a mistake, and you understand what you mean. I certainly get wanting to feel understood when you speak. But listen to everyone here who is explaining how that word comes across to your BH. It's simple enough to avoid using it. You need to decide what's more important to you: reconciliation of your marriage and possibly the healing of your spouse, or the ability to use one word. And like I said, if you choose the former, make sure to apologize, own what you did, and listen to what your BH is expressing to you.

Ragab, how do you feel about your AP? My wife despises him now and isn't shy about expressing it. Despite the fact that she actually said the opposite on d day, she realizes now that any man who targets a married woman isn't such a "great guy." He's a scumbag in her eyes and she lets me know it.

Exactly.

I take accountability for my terrible choices. If I had not started discussing non-work-related matters and oversharing, he would never have had the opportunity or the "ammunition" to say things like, "Oh, I get you, I understand what your husband doesn’t," and all the rest.

I should have communicated those things to my husband instead and kept the relationship strictly work-related. I have learned from that, and now I do not share personal matters with anyone except my husband.

At the same time, it does not change the fact that he knowingly pursued a married woman. Whether I shared information or not, he still made his own choices, and he is guilty of that. This is part of what makes the situation so difficult for us — we lost so much, while he lost nothing.

My intention is not to avoid accountability for my part in this. I fully accept my wrongdoing, but his actions played a big role in the damage that was caused.

At the same time, it does not change the fact that he knowingly pursued a married woman. Whether I shared information or not, he still made his own choices, and he is guilty of that. This is part of what makes the situation so difficult for us — we lost so much, while he lost nothing.

My intention is not to avoid accountability for my part in this. I fully accept my wrongdoing, but his actions played a big role in the damage that was caused.

I understand, and hopefully your husband does, too. However, it is a tricky line to straddle. Expressing your disgust for the AP without looking like you're blaming him and avoiding accountability is a fine line. I think it's a good thing that you're considering that. The fact that you're self aware enough to realize that is a good thing. Just make sure you always stress the point that you acknowledge that it was ultimately your decisions and your choices that allowed it to happen, but from my perspective it certainly doesn't hurt knowing my wife sees that he's a real pos.

When you are speaking with your BS, do you bring up these thoughts? If so, do you think he might be hearing a focus on the AP's role in the infidelity, rather than a focus on your responsibility to keep the marriage safe? Because yeah, APs are wrong for pursuing married people. But also, it is the WS's job to reject their advances, and we failed to do that. Then the issue becomes, how do we ensure we say 'no' next time? Maybe that's what he wants to hear about in addition to how you feel about the AP.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 6:03 PM, Sunday, May 24th]

I get the impression that my husband wants me to place less responsibility on myself and more blame on the other person. The truth is, I do not really think about the other person or concern myself with him, and this frustrates my husband because he wants me to also feel anger, seek revenge, or pursue justice.

From my perspective, I can only take responsibility for my own actions and wrongdoing. My husband does not see it that way. Because I did not share all the details in the beginning, he believes I was protecting or covering for the affair partner. However, in my opinion, I can only be accountable for my own choices, not for someone else’s actions.

I tried again to start a conversation about "our issue" and used some of the advice and information from this forum. When I read the posts here, it all sounds so straightforward, and I genuinely go into the conversation believing it will be received in the same way. Unfortunately, it feels like it backfires every time.

Instead of resolving things, we end up arguing again. I am trying to understand his perspective, but it feels like he overwhelms me with everything at once rather than focusing on one specific issue or point at a time. He throws out so many questions, accusations, and statements all at once, and then says I am not answering him.

I am really struggling to stay calm and understand where he is coming from. I do understand that he is frustrated, and I truly am trying to work through at least some of the issues between us.

I tried to explain it to him like this: it feels as though there is a huge mountain in front of us, and I am standing there with a shovel, trying to start somewhere, but instead of helping me move forward, he keeps reminding me how enormous the mountain is.

Maybe a pretty out-there idea, but could you guys do a collaborative Google doc? He can write out all the thoughts, feelings, and questions, and you can go in and respond to any of it. That way you can be sure you're not missing any of it, and you can at least map out your attempts to answer questions. Maybe you could read it to him so you're not eliminating the facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language from the exchange.

I feel like him wanting retribution against the AP isn't uncommon, but it sounds like something he needs to work through on his end.