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He still insists its fire caulk and that the ingredients that are listed could be in that as well. He brought home the tube of fire barrier and it has only one ingredient in it that the stain had and that is iron oxide. He said that the zinc oxide is the same as the zinc borate. What about all the other things found, wax, oils, gypsum, quartz, and so on?

I feel insulted that he would question a scientist. This man has his Phd. I asked him earlier if it had come back as something else would he fight it? If it were me, would he believe me over the forensic testing?

Its like he may as well have said, "are you going to believe me or believe your own eyes?"

Its like he may as well have said, "are you going to believe me or believe your own eyes?"

at least you see it for what it is. (((((ion))))) stay strong and safe.

He still insists its fire caulk ...He brought home the tube of fire barrier and it has only one ingredient in it that the stain had and that is iron oxide.

Perfect! Now that you have a sample of the fire caulk, use it on another pair of his underwear. Let it set and then wash as before.

Of course, don't inform him you're doing this...

Let's see if the results look anywhere near that of the first pair of underwear?

He still insists its fire caulk and that the ingredients that are listed could be in that as well. He brought home the tube of fire barrier and it has only one ingredient in it that the stain had and that is iron oxide. He said that the zinc oxide is the same as the zinc borate. What about all the other things found, wax, oils, gypsum, quartz, and so on?

First of all, zinc oxide and zinc borate are very, very different substances.

Regardless, the lab that did the original analysis can determine to a very high degree of probability whether the "fire wax" is the same thing as was found on the underwear.

Of course, that would cost several hundred more dollars. . . .but if your husband is telling the truth he should be willing to pony up that amount to salvage his reputation and marriage. . . .

I'm going to be completely upfront with you -- your plans, etc. Good. But the absolute easiest way to do this is to take everyone to a shelter. Sell every valuable thing you own in one or two days and then just take the kids and split. No note, nothing. Get the shelter to get you in touch with an attorney ASAP when you get there so that you don't get charged with parental kidnapping, etc. You need professional help and a lot of it to get out of this situation -- but it's available.

First of all, zinc oxide and zinc borate are very, very different substances.

This ^^^^^^^^

I'm glad you have a plan, and I'm glad you're seeing your WH for what he is, but GAWD I wish I could help find you a way out of there yesterday. Please take care of yourself.

ION

No amount of proof or convincing is going to make your husband admit he cheated. If the scientist who ran the test came to your house, put his hand on bible, looked your husband if the eye and said,

"Its Lipstick, Revlon, Scarlet A coloured, manufactured on 17 April 2010 in Bang Toe, China"

Your husband would say he's making it up cuz you paid him too.

He's not ready to admit it and he may never be. This isn't about what he has to say or who he convinces to believing him. It's about what you need to do.

So sorry. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 2:35 PM, June 14th (Thursday)]

He's a cocky SOB!! He was lifting weights this afternoon and I asked him how he could deny what the scientist said? He just kept repeating that he didn't do anything.

He keeps saying the same thing no matter what I say. There were actually two scientist. They did one more test for quality control. Its almost like he has this "get out or deal with it" attitude. I guess I'll have to get out.

I'm sick of his BS. Last night he got into a horrible fight with our 16 year old. Our 16 y/o is bi-polar and he's 200lbs and 6 feet tall so he's not a tiny kid. He was really messing with my WH. Last Sunday, my son had to go to the hospital for another episode probably caused by his bi polar disorder. He threatened to burn the house down. So apparently the cops were actually at the door last night while my WH and son were fighting. They were coming to arrest my son for the incident the other night. I don't know why it took until yesterday, but it did.

They heard everything. I was in the other room with the baby hiding. When I heard them fighting I hit record on my Ipod. So I have most of the fight on record.

Long story short, they both got arrested. I'm in a living hell. I honestly don't know what to do. I have to go to court with my son on the 25th and WH has court with son next month.

12 pages of postings have told you what you should do. You KNOW what you should do. it may be the hardest thing you ever have to do but you need to GET OUT! This "person" is TOXIC!

I'm no shrink but I believe this person is capable of flying into a rage and doing you GREAT bodily harm or WORSE!

Putting it off another week or even a day will not change anything.

Find a shelter or even a clergyman ( other than the "cracker" from your current church)to help you and your family.

YOU KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE!

Itsovernow- your name says what you knew from before you came here. It's over. His recent arrest is yet another opportunity for you to show the world why it's over. Get to a shelter and let them help you so you can get started on the rest of your life.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 10:35 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

Itsover,

You need a plan? Here’s one…

• Call a DV shelter IMMEDIATELY. Arrange for someone to come help you pack and get you and your babies out of there ASAP. This must be done directly after your WH leaves for work. ***Request the results of the testing be sent to the Shelter*** This will be evidence in court.

• Drive to the bank that same day, while your WH is at work, withdrawal at least Half of the money—no less, maybe more.

• Go through the DV shelter for a lawyer—get started on the process. Whatever needs to be done, do.

• Contact the police and file a RO. Don’t violate it when it’s granted.

• Get some counseling for yourself AND your children.

Another thing, from what you’ve described, everyone on here is begging you to seek safety for yourself and your children.

As an adult, you may think, “I can handle whatever he throws at me and stay and be alright.” But your children won’t. You’re doing a HUGE disservice to your children by staying in this crap relationship. They’re watching your abuse and LEARNING to treat others that way. Are they being abused to? Are you unwilling to admit that they are--to yourself and to others? Don’t you feel guilty they’re being subjected to the POT that your WH is?

If everything that you’ve said is true, why are CONTINUING to subject your children to this BS?

What will it take for you to wake up? For one of your children to be seriously physically injured? They’re already suffering tons of emotional damage. And please do not say that your WH treats them just fine or is a model father—that’s an absolute fallacy. Abusers abuse with every word they speak—it may be subtle, but they do—and they do it to everyone around them.

It will be hard as hell, but aren’t your children worth better than this?

Yesterday morning when my two boys 9 and 7 woke up, they went right to their older brother and promptly said how much they hated him for having their dad arrested. They said that my oldest was beating the crap of of their dad.

If I leave and take them away from their dad, they'll hate me.

My husband isn't the father of the year. It has been hard with my oldest and since he turned 13 its been really hard. He bashed my husband over the head with a baby gate when he was 13 and we had DCF in the house then. My husband was trying to calm him down. My oldest has been abusive to me when I was pregnant.

I feel bad posting on here because I haven't left and I'm scared to leave. If I had any family and parents that were supportive I would leave.

I can't explain how family is the courage behind you when you have to do something like leave. They protect you, give you a home, help with lawyers and give you strength. You feel backed and safe.

I don't have family.I have people that are related to me but the only "family" in my life is my sister in Florida. She is unstable right now and doesn't even have a job or a place of her own yet. Her new husband is also very stressed out around children.

I'm also a care giver to my mom. She is in a rehab place right now and this past Saturday, my mother had another stroke. She can communicate with me on a 3 year old level now.

My husband and son both have upcoming court dates I have DCF coming Monday. I'm going to reach out as much as I can. We are court ordered for counseling and I'm not holding back.

Fourever, you are so sweet and generous. I can't thank you enough and its possible that I may need that if all hell keeps breaking loose. I know I need it now.

I'm so sorry for frustrating you all. Thank you for caring.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 2:19 PM, June 15th (Friday)]

If I leave and take them away from their dad, they'll hate me.

sometimes kids hate what's good for them. even some kids that are being sexually abused still get mad at whomever takes them away from their abuser. should you leave that kid in her dad's bed? or do you deal with her anger to get her out where she has a chance and help from professionals?

My husband isn't the father of the year. It has been hard with my oldest and since he turned 13 its been really hard. He bashed my husband over the head with a baby gate when he was 13 and we had DCF in the house then. My husband was trying to calm him down.

ETA: i totally read that wrong. sorry. still...did all this really start when DS was 13? suddenly your sweet doting H became verbally abusive, dishonest, disrespectful and cruel? or do you think maybe DS watched a bunch of this happen before then...or have H react in a less than supportive, fatherly way to his behavior? i'm very familiar with BP so i understand how difficult that can get...i just have a hard time believing that your FT of a WH wasn't a contributor to this nightmare with DS and your younger ones.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 3:07 PM, June 15th (Friday)]

(((Itsovernow)))

You will get support here whatever you decide to do. We all have advice but nobody is in your shoes but you.

God knows, I was told to leave my WH a million times and didn't, and my real friends were the ones who understood how hard it was and why I couldn't leave.

So don't apologise for your decisions. You alone know what you can and cannot face just now. Listen to the advice but it's always your decision and you will be supported regardless.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

So "possibly" your husbands long term anger and volatility thru the years is now starting to show up in your sons?

when my two boys 9 and 7 woke up, they went right to their older brother and promptly said how much they hated him for having their dad arrested. They said that my oldest was beating the crap of of their dad.

It has been hard with my oldest and since he turned 13 its been really hard. He bashed my husband over the head with a baby gate when he was 13 and we had DCF in the house then.

I really honestly hope you get into some kind of IC for yourself to see the pattern that your husband's FOO issues and yours are perpetuating.

Again...when one is abused they do not see what the rest of the world sees. You staying is not making a happy well run family. But unless you see it nothing the rest of us say will help you...except that you HEAR that you need help.

So "possibly" your husbands long term anger and volatility thru the years is now starting to show up in your sons?

Children tend to mimic the behavior they grow up with.

You need to get them away, whether they are angry or not. They need counseling so they can see what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like.

You know your relationship is done. Just make your plans, do what you need to to survive right now, and keep moving forward.

Have you called and talked with a shelter at all?

You don't need to go, but talking to someone can help put your mind at ease and help you realize what needs to be done, and that you do have some control over your own situation.

A Domestic Violence Shelter will help you. They can provide the support you need, even if they aren't family.

Think of it this way--you are your family to your children. Can they depend on you to provide them with a safe environment?

If I leave and take them away from their dad, they'll hate me

.

As Gently as LH can do gently...

Being a parent isn't a popularity contest. Do what's right for your children's health, and mental stability, and for your own. Not what you think will keep you in their good books.

There's not a person on here that doubted it was lipstick from the first post. You married a douchebag. Get yourself and your kids out of there and you'll realise very quickly you've been living under a dark shadow for so long you've forgotten what the sunlight is like.

Good luck, stay safe, and take care of yourself.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 6:53 AM, June 16th (Saturday)]

Think of this as an opportunity. When DCF visits, let them know what's been going on. Ask them if they can help you even though he hasn't hit you recently.

Good luck, and I hope your son gets the help he needs. This situation must be very hard on him. That's an even bigger reason to provide him with a better one.

I feel bad posting on here because I haven't left and I'm scared to leave. If I had any family and parents that were supportive I would leave.

Please please please don't feel bad for posting on here. Folks do care about you and want to help you! We all feel the sense of urgency, and want to be as supportive for you as possible. If posting helps you get a centimeter closer to your goals, then by all means do so, even if you haven't left yet. I'm sure it can be overwhelming, but please understand we are all concerned for you and your family's safety. Please, never feel bad for posting here! (((itsovernow)))