SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I couldn't sleep. So I fixed the kitchen table which woke everyone up. My wife come down stairs and made a pot of coffee and just kissed my cheek. She went into the living room and sat down and got on her laptop. About twenty minutes later she walked up to me and handed me a letter.

"SWAT,

I just want you to know something. I made a very bad decision when I slept with OM. I regret hurting you and the kids. Most of all I'm upset I hurt myself. Your the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn't respect or cherish that. You will never know how sorry I am. I did what I did for selfish reasons and I allowed OM to say things about you I never really believed and I allowed myself to make you the scapegoat in my mind. I listened to another man tell me and write me things I never should have allowed him to say. I let another man make me feel good about myself and did not defend you or our relatinship. I allowed myself to want compliments and attention from another man when all I had to do was look at you and I knew I had everything I ever wanted or needed. I allowed another man to touch me. For these reasons and some you have probably thought about, I will never be able to make that up to you. But I can tell you I will regret my actions for as long as I live and I will try everyday until I die to show you how sorry and how special you really are.

I do not have any excuses and while it has been difficult I want you to know I have been completely honest with you.

It took me a while but I can see your pain and it hurts to know I caused it. While it is difficult and I know I have down played a lot of what happened before. I have and will not lie to you about this. I will admit it is painful to do this and I never wanted to hurt you. I honestly wish I had never done this and it makes me sick to think I did what I did. I understand that you need time and space to feel better. I understand that you really hate me now and you are struggling. I want you to know I will give you all the time and space you need. I truly love you with all of my heart and soul. You will always be my one, WW"

Ok now...I am sorry I missed your last post. I've asked a few times about condoms and she insists they used them. She is a liar and a cheat but way deep down I believe her. I know she wouldn't risk getting pregnant. WW had abuse issues in her previous marriage and her ex tried to get her pregnant while they were separating. When I found all of the text messages and emails with OM. He suggested she try to get pregnant so it would punish more. She did say no to that. Her last pregnancy was high risk and her doctor recomended she not get pregnant again. I have since gotten a vasectomy since she does not react well to most forms of birth control. I could be wrong but on this one I'm going to give her a pass. Oral sex is another matter and I haven't had the guts to ask.

We all assume the pain of not knowing is the sole preserve of the unfortunate BS, but the WS suffers too.

1] Your WW will never be able to prove she would not have continued the affair if you had not found out.

2] She will never be able to prove that this was the only time she has ever cheated.

3] She will never be able to prove that the sex wasn't better with the OM and that protection was used for both oral and penetrative modes.

That must also be pretty mortifying for the WS to be sincere and truthful, yet not be believed. Part of the misery that affairs produce.

Best of luck SWAT with your reconciliation. That was a nice letter from your WW, who sounds as if she intends to be a FWW as soon as possible. The rest is up to the healing power of time.

She knows about this site..and knows you're a member..and you're posting about her,etc?

And you think she hasn't read this thread?

I think you're wrong.

confused615..I'm sure your right. She has probably read everything I've written on here. Not much I can do about it. I've seen her browser history and I know she has at least been on this sight and others like it several times. I'll admit I looked around for her a little bit on this site and others. I know she joined marriage builders. I don't know if she has posted anything on there or other sites. I guess I wimped out and I don't really want to know what she is posting or if she even is.

I lurked on this site for awhile before posting anything and I just read and got some advice. Maybe that is what she is doing. I actually believe she is mostly getting her advice from our SIL. SIL has some experience in counciling though her expertise is dealing with troubled youths. I'm also sure MIL has chimed in as well. Both are good women and are upset with my wife but they also want her to get her life straightened out.

After answering a PM I just remembered something in all of this mess. Wife's birthday is tommorrow. To be honest I almost forgot. Good thing my iPhone has a calendar with reminders. No plans for her b-day she's just getting her a card and gift from the kids. Probably a gift card for e-books, she is a reading junkie.

OK now. I would like to thank you. You have gently held me and my wife accountable and been supportive. Your last post shows exactly how I feel. She ruined something that I thought was very special. She will never be able to remove the "taint" to that. I believe she is very sorry for what she choose to do and she is seeking her from family and her IC.

While I'm hating her one minute and loving her he next. I have to admire her strength. She is not stupid, she knows she let a lot of people down and they are looking at her differently. They still love her but they do not trust her and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

SWAT - I've been following along and read your wife's letter. It sounds as if she is feeling the consequences and understands the ramifications of her actions. Very positive steps... although nothing eases the pain in the early stages.

I want for you to consider something - it was something that took me a while to learn in regard to all the "stuff" that took place between my wife and her AP.

It is SO easy to get caught up in the events of the affair. "OMG... they didn't use condoms!" "OMG... she didn't show up at the hospital for 12 hours!" "OMG.... they did it in THAT position!" "OMG.... in our bed!!"

The "OMGs" are never-ending. And they all hurt.

But you know what? This is what people do in affairs. People have unprotected sex. They fuck like rabbits. They try new things. They scheme and plan and do things not necessarily in a malicious way to hurt US, but rather to get more pleasure themselves [an important distinction].

This is hard to put into perspective when the trauma is still raw. But eventually you will come to the understanding that what actually happened is of far less consequence than what she is doing NOW. I say this because I want to encourage you to consider this as you move forward... and potentially toward reconciliation.

As your wife begins to understand more about what she did and shows genuine remorse there will come a time when you will need to move toward HER. And this will require you to put what happened between THEM to bed and allow new, pleasant memories of YOU to take root. For me, putting the affair into perspective (She had an affair... and you know what? People in affairs fuck - a lot!) allowed me to settle myself into a stronger, better marriage.

Hang in there. It's a tough ride but it seems that you may have a truly remorseful spouse. If it's going to work that is an essential ingredient.

It is SO easy to get caught up in the events of the affair. "OMG... they didn't use condoms!" "OMG... she didn't show up at the hospital for 12 hours!" "OMG.... they did it in THAT position!" "OMG.... in our bed!!"

The "OMGs" are never-ending. And they all hurt.

But you know what? This is what people do in affairs. People have unprotected sex. They fuck like rabbits. They try new things. They scheme and plan and do things not necessarily in a malicious way to hurt US, but rather to get more pleasure themselves [an important distinction].

LifeisCrazy's post really hit on some key points.

You are still very early in this disaster called infidelity, and you can't rush through it, but it can give you some comfort to think of the end game---because the two of you are definitely heading on the right path.

One of the things that I always try to point out, is that a remorseful spouse awakes to the fact that they betrayed themselves....which has to be the biggest betrayal of all(although it may not feel that way to us).

They debased themselves---and for what? To compromise all the good that they stood for? To have to fight themselves to feel equal in their relationship? To always wonder in the back of their minds of what their partner *really* thinks of them....only to struggle with an authentic answer?

The bottom line is that you are eventually going to have to accept what has happened as part of your past. And I can assure you that it gets easier. For example, I can remember as plain as day, the early times when I literally did not have the strength to ask the tough questions. I couldn't ask how many men, how many times, and what acts were performed. I thought I would just cease to exist if I heard the answers.

The truth is my WW slept with several men, several times, and did acts that were supposedly only for us, in our marriage. Our exclusivity is forever gone, and I can't change it. But I did have the option not to accept it, and leave my marriage. I eventually chose to stay...for several reasons....and one of those reasons being what I described earlier. My WW disgraced me, her children, but most importantly, herself. And she has to live with that, but she is proving to herself and to her family that a dark time in her life does not define who she normally was(and is again). Good people sometimes make very poor decisions....for various reasons.

It is how they handle themselves after their realization that shows their true character.

Yesterday was the wife's birthday. When I got home I gave the kids their gifts and cards for her. Watching them with her was a blast. DD gave the gift card, DS 5 gave her the flowers and the little guy gave her the card and a big sloppy kiss. Took them all to dinner cause the wife loves seafood. I believe a good time was had by all. After dinner and putting the kids to bed my wife wanted to talk for awhile. We actually just talked about day to day things with no talk of the affair and it was kind of nice.

Today I was done teaching at the academy and went out with the other instructors and recruits. They graduate in three weeks and they get to coast from here on out. When I got home I was kind of shocked. No kids and wife had made dinner. Candles, wine the works. She was dressed to kill to. I was a little shocked and she just said she wanted to thank me for giving her a second chance and for one of the best birthdays ever. I was stunned at this because it really wasn't anything special and I told her so. She said it was special because she realized what she could possibly lose. Well we ended up in the bedroom and dinner got really cold. This maybe the first time I ever ate cold chicken parm and loved it.

Good! It is awesome to have a good day like yours happen..My prayers are that these kind of days will get more frequent as time passes..

I just read something earlier that has me thinking...

Remorse is good but remorse by itself doesn't guarantee that a partner can stay with his mate for life thru thick and thin..For some people the shame post A can be too much...

Remorse + Devotion are an unbeatable combination of qualities to have in a partner who is one's mate...

From what I am reading in your posts, your W seems to feel both of those ...

I was just reading through this thread again. Kind to wish I felt the way I did on April 18.

What a difference a month can make.

You have learned a lot more about your WW since that day on April 18th and you are that much further down the rabbit hole. So be kind to yourself SWAT. You are on the roller coaster from hell and every day is going to be different. You still have had a lot going on in a very short amount of time. Embrace whatever you feel on that day that you are feeling it. Know that tomorrow you could still feel the same or something else completely different. It's going to be a while before you get off this ride.

Don't let your feelings at this point dictate what you think the outcome may be later. You will get there.

That said. I know what you mean. It's a much better place to feel good rather than feeling shitty or just down right blah. It's the pain talking. We are listening.

yop

A very wise man, maybe the philosopher C. Stengel or his student Y. Berra, once commented: "It ain't over till it's over".

You're in the top of the second in this serious game.

On the other hand, it looks like OM has been ejected. That's a positive. He got himself thrown out of the game by insane behavior.

Yep SWAT, huge difference in a months time. Even bigger after a year. The roller coaster is the only analogy that comes close to describing this ride.

I haven't commented on your other threads but, I keep up with you. My daughter is married to a police officer and I think of him every time I read your posts. He too, has earned a very good reputation by being a man of character and, I love that guy like I gave birth to him.

Since you seem to be a fixer, I genuinely believe that you are desperately wanting to stabilize this situation and, I get that. I'm a fixer too but, sometimes it doesn't serve us well in that in our knee jerk reaction to "fix" things, we are quick to forfeit things that would serve our own best interest. Please go slow SWAT. I've tried to read your WW's posts but, the immaturity she displays makes me recoil. In the immediate aftermath of dday, many of us BS's cling to the idea that there is hope in all the wreckage so we grab on to every positive word or behavior we think we hear or see. Right now, seems to me that she is telling you what you want/need to hear but, please be careful. She is nowhere near safe for you right now. While she says she understands things much better, her thinking is still not right yet.

Just be careful. Proceed with caution. Pay attention to the warning bells. You can't let her off the hook yet. She may be very sorry, remorseful, regretful...but, she still has SO much to learn before she will be a safe partner for you.

Just sending positive vibes your way. (((Swat)))