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She led you on with that trial R shit. Go for the jugular.

I agree with the others. You still need an attorney, if for no other reason than to make sure everything is filed and processed correctly.

You don't have to make it contentious. If you are comfortable with what she is offering, then you can accept it. However, as others have said, she very well may be lying. You don't know if she has hired an attorney to protect herself. You can't trust what she says. All you can do is protect yourself.

And the whole "gave everything to this marriage" is BS. If it were true, there would have been no A and she wouldn't be shacking up with another guy now. It's just her way of justifying things to herself.

Wow thanks for the post influx, a lot to think about.

1. The attorney has already been hired for my side and I've paid his retainer. Makes no sense not to go through him, so I called his office this morning and forwarded him the email.

2. I did respond back to her email and told her that it was too late (Sorry Sharkman - I honestly wished I did no response but it was too late), I already hired a lawyer when she didn't respond sooner and that I would run her proposal by my lawyer to see if it was fair.

3. She responded with, "I read your email and understand. I really didn't want to use lawyers but I see why we would need to." Then she asked if mediation was just for me or the both of us, so I explained what mediation was cut and dry-- no more no less.

So that's where we are now, she hasn't talked back since then and I'm glad -- I don't want to talk to her anymore anyway. As I said, the process has been started and she's going to be served at work either way most likely.

I do like what she proposed. I'm worried because Florida is a "no-fault" state, and even though she committed adultery her name is on my deed so I'm not sure if it matters if I try to go 100% for the house. It's estimated to make a 50-60k profit after it's sold. I imagine at this point she will contact a lawyer and the rest of our conversations will be done through that. But yes, it's apparent from that email and her text that she's done with the M. That said I want to get everything I can, because she royally fucked me.

I used 20k of my own money for the house downpayment, and I believe that was in inheritance money but I will need to verify.

I made a post in the divorce section for further advice

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 12:37 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

IHF,

Your wife works in the corporate business world. She is no fool. If she is desperate to avoid lawyers being involved there is a reason. Well, there may be many. However, I think everyone knows that a divorce that is drafted on the back of a diner menu and sealed with a pinky swear really is worth nothing at all, in any way, shape or form.

Whatever agreement you reach absolutely must be put into black and white by a lawyer or attorney. If you agree some informal thing between you, what's to stop her from slowly whittling the payments down to nothing over a three-year period? Without a binding legal agreement, there is nothing to stop her doing that!

Which raises another point; her offer, while generous on the face of it, may be an attempt to buy her way out of a binding legal agreement, by flashing a few extra dollars at you and hoping you'll go with the pinky swear suggestion.

It also means that she gets to dictate the terms, unchallenged, with absolutely no legal obligation on her to live up to them one second longer than she chooses to. None whatsoever. And she retains total control of the process, with no pesky lawyers to rein in her power.

Given what you know of her recent behaviour:

1) Do you trust every word that she says?

2) Do you believe she has nothing but your best interests at heart?

3) How long do you think she will honor an agreement that has no legal standing?

Further, if you are tempted by the pinky swear diner menu offer, have you balanced what you might gain against what you might lose? By that, I mean that a non-legally binding arrangement that appears to be a bit more money than you might get in a court battle may appear at first to be more tempting than a binding legal agreement that brings you less, but a legally binding agreement is guaranteed.

Think about it, IHF: the legal agreement might be less, but it is GUARANTEED. It takes control out of her hands, it is a binding commitment, and it protects your best interests legally. If I was her, I would push for the pinky swear arrangement, and then, over the next three years, I would slowly whittle the payments down and down and down, because, hey, you're working now, and you have some money, and, you know, we've both got to move on, we can't keep living in the past, and I have bills to pay too, you know...

Seriously, IHF, even if your WW is trying to be generous, or trying to salve her conscience by throwing money at you, you are both adults, and the process has got to be made legally sound and secure. That does not mean it has to be acrimonious, but your wife does not have a good track record when it comes to doing the right thing by you, and you need to keep that in mind.

This is not about punishing her, or sending a message, it is about you and your financial security, as well as ensuring that you do not get bilked out of anything that is due to you.

Edited to add: I was typing my reply as you were typing the post above, so some of what I said here is superceded by you already choosing the lawyer route (which I think is in your best interest).

[This message edited by M1965 at 4:44 PM, November 16th (Thursday)]

You did well. Adultery generally doesn't matter in the distribution of assets, and only sometimes has relevance for alimony. You may be entitled to recover the $20k you used for the downpayment and then split the rest of the equity.

In any event, follow your lawyer's advice. Do not listen to the people who tell you to "burn the b...." You will never get satisfaction from trying to make the process more painful for either of you. The sooner this is over the sooner you can move on and find a better relationship.

Living well really is the best revenge. In fact, it is the only revenge that matters.

Well said 1965!!

It's about protecting his ASS, and this woman has shown she's ALL ABOUT herself and doesn't really care about who she screws (no pun intended..oh what the hell pun intended )

in the process.

It's NOT about "all out war"....it's about doing the right thing which protects him legally.

Maybe this should be in the Divorce Forum now but I'll tell you some experience I had. My XWW kept talking to me about terms, "just between us, let's leave the attorneys out of it and save some money, we can be fair, etc." and worked on me for weeks. Turned out all along she had an attorney who was advising her what to say and offer. You've already got an attorney I would use them. I would take her offer to the attorney and at a minimum make her get on the record with the asset disclosure statements. Does she have some retirement finds, 401(k) etc.? She didn't mention those in her email.

So she will always treasure her time wth you. How sweet.

Oof, looks like today she found out I charged 1,500 to our joint credit card for the lawyer. She was not pleased. Lol.

I had to take out a $3000 personal loan from the bank today just to stay afloat, I need to stretch that money until January paying bills (rent, phones, electric, internet). I wonder why the CS can't see the cause and effect of their actions? Hmmm

Is the lawyer going to schedule mediation? Did you talk to him about next steps?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:32 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

"She was not pleased"?

Charging $1,500 on a credit card PALES in comparison to what she's done.

Oh man the text conversation got super ugly.. I'll just paraphrase:

HER: You didn't tell me you were charging 1500 to the credit card.

ME: It was for the lawyer, divorce isn't cheap. What is the monthly payment on the card?

HER: I thought we were splitting it. The monthly payment is paying it off. I had them at 0.

ME: I'm not sure if you realize this young lady but you when ran off to your new fantasy life you left me royally fucked, personally and financially. I just took out a $3000 loan, what can I do?

HER: You fucked yourself financially by not having a job and leaving me alone to handle everything. Still leaving me to handle everything. When do you get your paycheck? You need to make a budget and not rely on other people or credit or loans.

ME: Wow. We were supposed to be a team you selfish ass. You told me to stay at the house and go to school or are you so far up your own butt you forgot? Maybe if you learned to talk about shit instead of running everything would be ok. But nah you like to ignore problems and don't know how to communicate.

HER: I don't want to talk to you anymore right now. You fluctuate from being what you call "fun" to being harsh almost every time a new conversation starts and it feels like a physiological nightmare. I don't know what to expect from you when I open a text or check an email.

ME: I don't know who you are so the feeling is mutual. Physiological nightmare is laughable compared to what you put me through. Maybe one day take the time out of your busy life to read about what it's like to be a betrayed spouse and you can get just a glimpse into why I seem so fucked up to you. But you won't, when I call you selfish it's not harsh it's the truth. If you cannot see what you did was wrong and fucked up something is not right. Peace.

Not proud of that conversation at all, but I'm hungover and she had me pissed.

You were far milder than I would have been.

Frankly, I despise the word 'selfish' when describing infidelity. It doesn't adequately convey the tragedy of cheating. I see the word all the time on SI, and it makes me cringe.

She shitted on you, turned her ass up in the air for om, then told you to go fuck yourself. That's far more than 'selfish'.

This ain't tea time, bro.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 11:23 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

Back to the 180, she is literally being a delusional bitch and then has the audacity to make it seem like it's my fault. WTF lol. Lawyers 100% from here on out guys & gals she can figure out that 1500 charge on her own.

My first wife left me for her boss (a partner at a NY law firm who later became east coast general counsel of Disney).

At no point once I learned that she had cheated on me did she listen to anything I had to say about what she had done. From the moment I learned of the infidelity I was an opponent in litigation, and everything else was secondary.

Her loyalty was to the other man, not me.

That is where I suspect your own WW's loyalty lies.

Talk to her as little as you can.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 11:44 AM, November 17th (Friday)]

My ex wife rightly feared my retaliation: She left the high-paying job, om. AND she left town.

Moreover, I made off like a bandit in the divorce. My law firm boasted a team of street fighters.

Good luck.

You must understand that she's no longer your wife. Act accordingly.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 12:42 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

Dude. She should be talking to the lawyer about everything. Lose her number.

You may or may not be aware (hopefully your lawyer already told you), but Florida law allows the court to order the higher earning party to pay some or all of the lower earning party's legal fees, depending on the circumstances. Never happened in my case, since exWW and I made about the same amount of money, but it does happen.

Could be one of the reasons she didn't want to involve lawyers...she knew there was a good chance she'd be paying both of them.

Edited to add: Just did a bit more research and it appears that in order for payment of legal fees to be considered, the request must be made in the petition. Might want to review this with your L before she's served.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 12:55 PM, November 17th (Friday)]

And there you have it.

For any other posters who said "this shouldn't be an all out war" or "take what she's offering now if it seems fair" now you can see where this little Princess's mindset is.

For her to throw out "you should of.....".

How about this little whore refrains from spreading her legs to another man (while married) as well as sneaking off in the middle of night to tell OM how much she cares for him.

She has a track record of changing her mind about any and everything.

Use your attorney, do NOT speak to her again, and everything goes through your attorney.

She reaches out to you about anything......CRICKETS!!!!